Chapter 9 Marriage to a Person Marriage to a People

This is far funnier than JKRowlings new ghrown up book

it can be bought on Amazon Kindle  

         The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker (C)

                              By

                         Michael Casey

Chapter Nine ...Marriage to a Person , Marriage to a People

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            So Joan Derby was buried , as the crowd of mourners filed away

 

Percy  stood  at  the foot of her grave .  He threw a red  rose  onto  her

 

coffin.

"Well Joan , I hope you forgive me for inviting everybody . I did tell you

 

that you wouldn't be alone ,  but things certainly took on a life of their

 

own .  I just hope you liked the Jazz music ,  I'm sure Mozart would  have

 

approved anyway ,  he liked things to go with a swing .  It's a good job I

 

combed your hair too ,  you looked your best for all the crowd . Well I'll

 

be saying goodbye then ,but don't forget to avoid Bartok like the plague ,

 

Mozart is the one to look out for ,  " with a final look at the name plate

 

on the coffin Percy left Joan Derby to rest in eternal peace .

 

          In another corner of the field ,  the grass not having been  cut

 

in ages so the graveyard did look like a field , Mr Stone was saying a few

 

words to a long dead pantry maid .

"Well I'm sorry that your name got brought up , but I'm not sorry that you

 

were  sweet on one of my ancesters ,  but for you I wouldn't be here  .  I

 

don't  stand a chance in Hell of getting selected now ,  not that I'd  get

 

elected , but I just came to say that I love you , all us Stones love you.

They'll  be  flowers  on your grave on your anniversary for the  next  one

 

hundred  years ,  just as there has been for the past one hundred  .  Well

 

I'll be leaving you ,  " saying those words Mr Stone bent down and  placed

 

an enormous bunch of flowers on the grave of a pantry maid .

        Percy had spotted Mr Stone in the far corner of the graveyard , so

he made his way over to him .  Percy noticed the bunch of flowers and read

 

the inscription ,  "Rest in Peace Beloved Pantry maid " ,  Percy looked Mr

 

Stone in the eye , there were tears .

"Well a promise is a promise , so I've come to offer my support , I'll do

 

everything  in  my power to help you get elected ,  " Percy held  out  his

 

hand.

Mr Stone took it and shook it firmly ,  with a pantry maid as a witness  a

 

deal  was struck ,  in heaven Mozart had struck up a tune at Joan  Derby's

 

bidding , it was a march , starting slowly , ever so slowly , but it would

 

build  and  build  ,  just  as a builder builds ,  and  it  would  end  in

 

Parliament ,  and there it would become a dance ,  a merry dance , a dance

 

for the Black Country .

         Sid was singing , a sign had gone up at the end of the street , a

 

new lorry and car park was being built by the council ,  the road was dead

 

and buried . Big Sid was still singing when Len came in clutching some ten

 

by seven inch photos .

"Look at these Sid ,  I hope you like them , " said Len putting a photo on

 

Sid chopping block .

It was a snap of Mr Stone knocking Councillor Albert Pratt O.B.E.  for six

 

all in glorious colour .

"But where did you get this from , I thought only Beacon News was there to

 

cover it ,  the tv and the papers having gone home , " asked Big Sid as he

 

savoured the sight of the Councillor getting his just rewards .

"Well I've got a few cameras at home ,  they are expensive Japanese ones ,

 

you know the ones they make in their new Black Country factory ,  "  began

 

Len .

"You and the camera must be good to get a shot like this , " smiled Sid .

"Well  your  grandchildren grow up so fast that I decided to  get  a  good

 

camera ,  so it became a sort of hobby ,  " said Len looking at the  floor

 

embarrassed at his own reckless spending .

"Your right , Len , take as many photos as possible , a photo is something

 

to cherish , " boomed Big Sid .

Len smiled like a schoolkid ,  he liked Sid a lot ,  they could almost  be

 

brothers .  Mrs Murphy happened by ,  she started to look at the photos  ,

 

Len had used a high shutter speed so he had a series of snaps which caught

 

the councillor as he fell .

"I wouldn't mind a camera like that ,  what with Patrick's wedding and the

 

baby coming too , " she said as she examined the photos .

"This is Mrs Murphy , Len , Patrick's mother , " explained Big Sid .

"Patrick's penance mother ? " asked Len his eyebrows arching into question

 

marks.

"The very same , " answered Mrs Murphy .

"Well  it'll  be an honour to take you shopping for a camera  , I'll  just

 

bring  in Sid's meat then I'll give you a lift in the freezer  lorry  ,  "

 

said Len with a smile .

         Percy and Mr Stone were in Percy's study ,  Mr Stone was  reading

 

the entry in the old Frost journal about the burial of the pantry maid .

"Can I have a photo copy of this please ,  just for sentimental value  you

 

know what I mean , " Mr Stone sounded almost apologetic .

"Certainly , now about the selection meeting tonight , I'll come along and

 

say a few words , I don't know what I'll say but I'll think of something , 

 

then once your selected I'll take you on a tour of the rest homes . "

          Len delivered a few sides of beef to a butchers while Mrs Murphy

 

went  into  the camera shop next door .  She went up to  the  counter  and

 

opened  her  handbag  ,  she  had a few hundred  in  notes  inside  .  The

 

assistant's eyes lit up when he saw the notes .  So he showed her all  the

 

expensive cameras ,  trying to blind her with science ,  trying to get all

 

her  money  .  Mrs Murphy was on the point of buying a  really  ridiculous

 

camera  when Len came in .  He strode to the counter like George ready  to

 

slay the Dragon .

"Listen sonny , she doesn't want that , " said Len as he took Mrs Murphy's

 

money from the top of the counter .

He started to empty his pockets ,  he had a thousand pounds in his pockets

 

plus his cellular phone , his camera and his meat cleaver . So holding his

 

cleaver  in one hand and the Black Country Flash camera in the other  hand

 

he boomed to the frightened assistant .

"Look  this is what she wants , the Black Country Flash ,an aim  and  snap

 

thingy  , none  of this stuff ,  " Len gestured with his  cleaver  ,  the

 

assistant wasn't going to argue , Len was the size of Big Sid after all .

          So  Mrs  Murphy bought the Black  Country  flash  ,  the  latest

 

Japanese camera ,  built in the Black Country .  The advertising  campaign

 

for  the camera had a blacksmith making a horse shoe ,  the sparks  flying

 

while  a proud girl snapped the proceedings with a flash. Len assured  Mrs

 

Murphy  that  it was good enough for her requirments ,  so  she  paid  her

 

seventy pounds and left the shop a happy woman ,  as for the assistant  he

 

had to sit down , he was feeling drained .

          As they were leaving Nangit Tangit who did all the  photographic

 

developing  for the shop was coming in .  He collided with Len ,  so  some

 

photos of the seige of Old Forge fell out of Len's pocket to the ground .

"Sorry lad are you ok , " said Len as he pulled Nangit up from the floor .

"I'm alright man ,  I shouldn't have been in such a hurry ,  I could  have

 

hurt your sister , " replied Nangit .

"She's just a friend , not my sister , " replied Len .

Nangit bent down to pick up the photos Len had dropped .

"Hey man , these are really great , and that's my wife in the background ,

 

she was one of the Daughters of The Temple , " smiled Nangit .

"Balbinder , Amjit's wife was there too , " said a proud Mrs Murphy .

"Man these would make great posters ,  I don't need the negative ,  but  I

 

could  make  really great posters of these ,  " said Nangit  scouring  the

 

photos for any more of his relatives .

"Well  you can have these ,  I'm Len by the way ,  Len from Len's Meat  ,"

 

said Len pointing to his van .

"I'm  Nangit Tangit ,  I do the photographic developing ,  "  said  Nangit

 

handing Len one of his business cards .

With that they said their goodbyes , they'd probably never meet again .

          That  evening the Liberals met ,  they had to finally choose  a

 

candidate  to fight the By Election for Old Forge and Singing  Anvil  . Mr

 

Frederick  Chance had stood in every election for the past fourty years  ,

 

he'd always came a poor fourth behind the two main parties and the MRLP ,

he was like a sacrificial lamb .  But he still had a seat on the council ,

 

so he didn't mind .

           Percy stood up to speak for Mr Stone , the Liberals didn't mind

 

him not being a member ,  one more person at a ward meeting was  something

 

to cherish ,  so Percy was let speak . Percy did not know what to say , if

 

only he could give the famous speech from Henry the Fifth .  No that would

 

not do ,  so slowly Percy got to his feet ,  perhaps simple words were the

 

best  .

"I am just a simple man ,  my task is to bury the dead , I comb their hair

 

and tidy them up so that their families' can take one last farewell ,  one

 

last look and one last kiss .  The mark of the man is not what he says but

 

what  he does ,  the past is over the present is here ,  but what  of  the

 

future .  Now is the time to take a chance Mr Frederick Chance ,  to stand

 

aside and let another be tested by fire ,  to brave the slings and  arrows

 

of outrageous fortune ,  to test the heart and the spirt .  Sometimes  the

 

spirit is willing but the flesh is weak ,  but we have to try ,  we cannot

 

just give up and die .  We have to try for that is our spirt , that is our

 

hope ,  that is our humanity . Hope beyond hope , faith beyond reason , to

 

believe even though we do not know .  Today I buried a lady by the name of

 

Joan Derby ,  she had no family ,  no friends ,  yet at her funeral  there

 

were  over  seven hundred people .  I asked all the  protesters  from  the

 

recent seige of the Old Forge Council House to come along ,  I asked  them

 

to  share their joy with a lady who had been dead for months and not  been

 

buried till today . Was I wrong , perhaps I was , but at least she did not

 

go to Paradise alone .  No she had a good send off ,  a great send off  in

 

fact ,  with a Jazz band too .  When it was all over I  had a few words to

 

say  with her ,  I asked her to forgive me for inviting strangers  to  her

 

funeral  .  I  hope she has ,  I won't find out till my body lies  in  the

 

ground  too .  But to the point ,  in a corner of the field I  spotted  Mr

 

Stone  .  He too was asking forgiveness from the dead ,  from a long  dead

 

pantry  maid ,  for a hundred years flowers have been placed on her  grave

 

and  for a hundred more flowers will be placed on her grave .  Now  to  me

 

that  says more of the man than any empty speeches .  At the  graveside  I

 

shook  his  hand  and promised to do everything in my  power  to  get  him

 

elected .  I know he'll make a good M.P.  ,  all it needs is for him to be

 

given a chance ,  Mr Frederick Chance  . I know for him M.P. does not mean

 

My Peerage , for him it means My People , the Black Country People here in

 

Old  Forge  and  Singing Anvil  .  It is a marriage between a  man  and  a

 

people , at the graveside I saw the man laid bare , I saw the tears in his

 

eyes , real tears , not tears conjured up for T.V. cameras . Mr Stone will

 

win this election ,  not for sixty years has a Liberal won here , but with

 

Mr Stone you will win .  Give him a chance Mr Frederick Chance ,  this  is

 

but  a By Election ,  in two years time the General Election will  come  ,

 

then you can try if Mr Stone fails now .  Lend him your cloak ,  give  him

 

your blessing ,  prove that you are no Albert Pratt O.B.E.  ,  wanting all

 

the  glory for yourself .  Prove how liberal the Liberals are , I  know

 

that I am but an outsider , but with Mr Stone the Emperor really will have

 

new clothes , the little dog will laugh to see such fun , and the Liberals

 

will run away with the election , " Percy sat down , he was sweating .

          There was silence for a full minute ,  Mr Stone clasped  Percy's

 

hand  by way or thanks .  Then Mr Frederick Chance stood up  ,  he  looked

 

Percy in the eye , he sighed , why oh why wasn't Percy in the Party .

"Mr Frost or may I call you Percy ? " began Mr Chance .

"Percy is fine , " said Percy .

"Well  on the condition that you write Mr Stone's speeches ,  I will  lend

 

him my cloak ,  and my sandals and girdle too , " said Mr Chance who was a

 

Baptist lay preacher .

         The selection committee took half an hour to formally select  Mr

 

Stone  ,  then they all rushed off home before their wives got angry  with

 

them  for being out late .  Mr Frederick Chance rung up Beacon  radio  and

 

gave a live interview explaining why he was stepping aside for Mr Stone .

He  made much of the fact that he was no Albert Pratt  O.B.E.  ,  he  also

 

quoted from Percy's speech .

           As for Percy and Mr Stone they went over the road to the pub  ,

 

they were both a little shocked to say the least .  So sitting in a  quite

 

corner they had a drink .

"Well I'll take you on a tour of the rest homes , they'll be two thousands

 

votes there for the asking , if I recommend you , " began Percy .

"We  still  haven't a hope in Hell of winning ,  even though it  was  your

 

speech which got me selected , " mused Mr Stone .

"To be honest you are right ,  but there is a power in the Black Country ,

 

its like a dynamo ,  like a hammer beating down on the anvil ,  if we  can

 

harness that power , then we'll give them a run for their money , " sighed

 

Percy .        

 

"Well its not called Old Forge and Singing Anvil for nothing ,  " said  Mr

 

Stone laughing .

The live interview came on the pub radio , a cheer went up , Pat Cowdell's

 

stable of boxers were regulars in The Punchbag . They'd heard about Albert

 

Pratt being knocked out ,  and they liked it .  On impulse Percy stood  on

 

his chair and began to shout .

"Well lads this is Mr Stone here ,  come and shake hands with your  future

 

M.P. , Mr Stone M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil ! " Percy shouted .

There was a stampeed to shake hands with the man who'd put the councillor

 

down for the count .

"Look  I haven't a hope in Hell of winning ,  but it'd be nice to put  two

 

fingers up at the two main parties , they take you for granted . All I ask

 

is  a  chance ,  you can get rid of me again in two years at  the  General

 

Election . So what have you got to lose ? " said Mr Stone .

To cheers from the boxers Percy and Mr Stone left The Punchbag .

"Well  that's  two thousand one hundred and fifty votes so far  ,  "  said

 

Percy sounding like Smiling Paul .

"I  hope  you are right ,  but we need ten times that amount to  win  ,  "

 

smiled  Mr Stone ,  he'd decided to treat it all as a game ,  that way  he

 

wouldn't be disappointed .

They  were  walking back to their cars when Len and family  appeared  from

 

around the corner , they had had their monthly family night out , smiling

broadly Len introduced his grandson James to Percy .

"This is James , your boy will be teaching him programming soon , " boomed

 

Len .

"And  this  is Mr Stone ,  its been on the radio ,  he's going to  be  the

 

Liberal candidate for M.P. , so vote for him , " said Percy .

"Will the Big Sid and the rest of them be voting for him ? " asked Len .

"Well  I  will ,  you'll have to ask them ,  why not ring him up  on  that

 

cellular phone of yours ? " said Percy .

No sooner had Percy said it than Len was on the phone to Big Sid . Big Sid

 

just said that he respected Percy's opinion so he'd vote the same way .

"Right ,  that's settled than ,  I'll spread the word , perhaps we'll take

 

you  around the butchers shops I deal with ,  " mused Len holding out  his

 

hand for Mr Stone to shake .

They  said their goodbyes .  Percy now reckoned they had four and  a  half

 

thousand votes in the bag ,  what with Len's influence ,  and as he  had

 

told Len ,  in two years they could get ride of Mr Stone if he turned  out

 

to be a vegetarian . Len was still laughing when he got back into his car.  

 

As  he put his cellular phone back in his pocket he found Nangit  Tangit's

 

business card . Len started to laugh , he had an idea which would make the

 

whole of the Black Country laugh .

           The early morning  news had announced that the  eleventh  hour

 

candidate for the Liberals was to be Mr Stone the builder .  Then  reports

 

came  in  of  posters  appearing  in  the  Old  Forge  and  Singing  Anvil

 

constituency .  The posters were all over the Conservative , Labour , MRLP

 

and the Liberal party offices .  The buildings had been totally covered if

 

not gift wrapped in posters of Mr Stone knocking out Albert Pratt O.B.E.   

 

The MRLP claimed responsibility as it ws so funny , gift wrapped buildings

 

who'd have thought of it , was it an American idea ? 

 

           It was Len's idea , but Nangit Tangit was flooded with  orders

 

once people had seen his posters "advertised" on the party head quarters .

The  boxers in The Punchbag laughed till they cried ,  they  really  would

 

vote for Mr.  Stone now . The main parties denounced it all as vandalism ,

 

Mr  Stone  refered everybody to Carol Samson his  solicitor  .  Percy  was

 

worried at first but then thought better of it , Black Country people have

 

a good sense of humour , and besides they'd be votes in it .  

 

           Smiling Paul decided to get in on the act ,  so he  started  to

 

take  bets on the election .  He had worked out he'd clear at  least  five

 

thousand  pounds from the betting ,  so he decided to place a thousand  to

 

win on Mr Stone .  Perhaps Smiling Paul was still being a Chinaman  ,  but

 

nevertheless  he went into town to Ladbrokes and place a thousand to  win

 

on Mr Stone .

            The  preparations for Patrick's and June's wedding had  hit  a

 

hitch  ,  namely Mrs Kemp .  She had decided she wanted a quiet wedding  ,

 

just Patrick and June ,  herself and Mr Kemp ,  and Mrs Murphy could  come

 

too  .  Though June's stomach had not begun to show Mrs Kemp did not  want

 

any questions about a hurried wedding ,she had already decided that photos

 

would be taken from the chest upwards ,  and when the baby was born  she'd

 

tell her friends that it was premature .

          Mrs Murphy rolled her eyes when she heard the news from  Patrick

 

and June .

 "God blast the old bitch ,  the divil carry her and skither her arse , no

 

son of mine is having a quiet wedding .  Me a poor old widow woman and the

 

old  bitch wants to deprive me of the happiest day of my  life  !  Patrick

 

marrying a nice girl and me to be a grannie too ,  and the old witch wants

 

to hide things .  You two love one another anybody can see that , its not

 

as if its some sort of shotgun wedding ,  I'll ring her up and give her  a

 

piece of my mind , " raged Mrs Murphy getting out of her chair and heading

 

for the phone .

"No ,  Shiela ,  please no ,  Patrick will think of something , it'll be a

 

great wedding ,  just leave it all to Patrick , " said June pouring oil on

 

troubled waters .

"Yes I'll think of something , " said Patrick not having a clue as to what

 

he'd say .

"See  I told you ,  Patrick will sort things out ,  or my name  isn't  Mrs

 

Murphy  too ! " said June before kissing Patrick .

Mrs Murphy glowed ,  Mrs Murphy too ,  she liked the sound of that  ,  and

 

judging  by  the  way June and Patrick kissed perhaps they'd  give  her  a

 

clutch  of  grandchildren  .  Wouldn't it be grand if  there  were enough

 

grandchildren  to form a Gaelic football team , the Kingdom of Kerry would

 

need new blood in twenty years time .  Which reminded her that the Bear in

 

Bearwood was showing the Gaelic football on Sportscast soon ,  she'd  have

 

to  get  Michael to give her a drive over there ,  she'd pop  into  Saint

 

Gregory's for a quick prayer or maybe Mass before the Gaelic football , if

 

Michael wasn't busy with the taxiing then they'd make an afternoon of it .

   

"Yes mom ,  I'll sort it all out , though we may have to phone invitations

 

instead  of  posting  them ,  in order to keep things quiet  so  Mrs  Kemp

 

doesn't find out , " said Patrick ,it was the best he could think to say .

 

"Fine I suppose it'll do ,  but I'm sure Mrs Kemp would have made a  great

 

Wicked Witch of the West ,  she looks like the real one , The Wizard of Oz

 

was on the telly the other night , " said a deadpan Mrs Murphy .

 

June just had to laugh , Patrick joined in , Mrs Murphy was a terror to be

 

sure .

"Oh do you mind if I put the telly on ,  only there's a program on  ,  its

 

about having your first baby ,  I'm videoing them but as I'm here  perhaps

 

we can watch it together , " said June as she reached for the telly .

The telly blinked , then blinked again , then the sound came on , but very

 

low . The telly was on its last legs for sure .

"How long has the telly been like this ?  " asked Patrick as he thumpt the

 

set .

"Oh  not  long ,  maybe three or four months ,  its been a good  set  your

 

father bought it a few years before he died , " explained Mrs Murphy .

"Nearly  twenty  years old ,  its time you had another ,  "  said  Patrick

 

shaking his head like a doctor pronouncing a person dead .

"It's ok I'm used to it , " said Mrs Murphy .

"But  you  can afford a new set ,  you get a cheque every month  from  the

 

bakery , " said an uncomprehending Patrick .

"But  I'm saving that money ,  just in case you are foolish and  lose  the

 

bakery , as a kind of safety net , " said Mrs Murphy .

June smiled , Mrs Murphy was thinking of Patrick first and not herself .

"Look Patrick won't go silly ,  you can start spending your bakery money ,

 

besides I'll clip him around the ear if he even thinks of it , " said June

 

before clipping Patrick around the ear .

Mrs Murphy smiled ,  their was love in their games ,  she'd have loads  of

 

grandchildren  that was sure ,  she'd be able to look Mrs O'Toole  in  the

 

face , Mrs O'Toole had ten grandchildren .

"Well we better be going then , if we are to catch the sale , I saw a sign

 

in the window as we were driving here ,  T.C.  Hayes of Berawood is having

 

a sale , " June headed for the door , dragging Patrick behind her .

"Do't be foolish child , this set is ok , " began Mrs Murphy .

"Yes ,  for you ,  but what about when your grandchild is sitting on  your

 

lap watching Laurel and Hardy ? " asked June .

She had Mrs Murphy cornered ,  with a final smile ,  June put her hand  on

 

the door .

"Well if your foolish enough to spend your money ,  get a bargain ,  " Mrs

 

Murphy paused , " Mrs O'Toole has colour . "

"Well  you'll  have  colour and remote control ,  "  said  June  over  her

 

shoulder , as she and Patrick left the room .

         At T.C. Hayes they met Peter with the beard , he'd sold Mr Kemp a

Technics midi system the week before , he directed them to the television

 

area .

"God ,  this place is like a Tardis ,  its massive once you get inside , "

 

said Patrick looking all around .

"Can  we  have a big telly with remote control ,   please ,  "  said  June

 

getting on with the task in hand .

"Why not get Nicam stereo and picture in picture , if we are getting mom a

 

telly we may as well get a good one ,  " said Patrick still marvelling  at

 

the size of the shop .

"In that case , we'll have that one , " said June pointing .

"That'll be , " said the sales man announcing the price .

"Is that your best price ? " asked June .

"Yes ,its our best price , it includes œ80 off , " explained the salesman.

 

"He's paying , " smiled June as she pointed at Patrick .

Patrick realised what he'd talked himself into ,  as the salesman repeated

 

the price . Only Patrick couldn't find his cheque book . So June proffered

 

her Gold American Express card instead . The sales man arched his eyebrows

 

when he saw it . So June put on her best smile and pouted before saying .

"I'm  John Kemp's little girl ,daddy bought a Technics system  from  your

 

collegue Peter with the beard last week . "

The  salesman checked with Peter ,  then full of smiles he wrote  out  the

 

receipt .

"Oh by the way can we have a full five year gaurentee too , I saw the sign

 

saying you have a repair centre here , " said Patrick smiling .

"You'll have to pay me back , no future husband of mine is living off me ,

 

I'm  marrying you for your money ,  not the other way around ,  "  smirked

 

June .

June decided that they'd take the set with them then and there rather that

 

wait for a delivery van .So she drove Patrick's VW from the car park around

 

the  back  and parked on the pavement just by the traffic  lights  .  Then

 

Patrick  picked  up the monster telly and carried it  outside  ,  only  it

 

wouldn't  fit  in the car .  While he was wondering what to do  a  traffic

 

warden came along and was going to book him . Patrick said he was a friend

 

of  Rodger's  and did the girl know him ,  the girl did  , while  Patrick

 

engaged her in conversation June whistled down a taxi . As luck would have

 

it  ,  it was Michael's taxi .  So the telly went in the taxi with June  ,

 

while Patrick invited the girl traffic warden to his wedding , Roger would

 

give her details later .  

 

           Back at Mrs Murphy's Patrick carried the monster telly inside .

"Glory  be  to  God look at the size of it ,  will I be  able  to  pay  my

 

electricy bill , " said Mrs Murphy putting her hands to her face .

"June , chose it , " said Patrick , as he put the telly in the corner .

"Well it must be good if June chose it , " said Mrs Murphy .

           June then spent half an hour showing Mrs Murphy how to use  the

 

remote control ,  including the  picture in picture and the teletext . Mrs

 

Murphy was well pleased .  So pleased in fact that she forgot to feed them

 

not that they were hungry .  June and Patrick left Michael and Mrs  Murphy

 

watching the afternoon edition of Dallas .

            "What are we going to do about the wedding ,  " wondered June

 

as they drove to Harbourne .

"Well Mark has started on the cake already , I was going to tell you , but

 

how are we going to make everybody invisible for the wedding  ?  "  mused

 

Patrick .

They  were still trying to think of a solution when Patrick pulled  up  at

 

June's  Harbourne  home  .  So waving her goodbye he  promised  he'd  work

 

something out , they'd have a proper wedding after all .

         "So you see Amjit , her mother wants to hide the fact that she is

 

pregnant  ,  then  she'll  lie to all her posh friends and say  it  was  a

 

whirlwind romance and a premature baby , " explained Patrick with a sigh .

"But I've booked Nangit Tangit already , he does wedding videos , man this

 

is just not happening , " said Amjit .  

 

"Exactly , SHE doesn't want it to happen , thanks for the video though , "

 

said Patrick sighing again .

"Look  you go and talk to Big Sid ,  he'll think of  something  ,  besides

 

Jaswinder is looking forward to being a bridesmaid ,  so we've got to have

 

a proper wedding for you ,  " said Amjit looking at Jaswinder who was busy

 

talking to Patrick the teddy bear .

          Patrick crossed the road to Big Sid's ,  he hoped Sid would come

 

up with something .

"She's ashamed of the gift of life , of babies , " Sid pointed to his wall

 

of baby photos , he could not understand it .

"My mother said that , " said Patrick looking at all the baby photos .

"So what are we going to do ? " pondered Big Sid .

"Make the guests invisible I suppose , " mumbled Patrick .

"Ok , we'll make them invisible if that's what's called for , I'll talk to

 

Frank  ,  don't  wory lad ,  it'll be ok ,  " Big Sid  squeezed  Patrick's 

 

shoulder .

"When you work something out you will tell me ? " said Patrick standing in

 

the doorway .

"No , I'll tell you nothing , that way that mother-in-law cann't blame you

 

for whatever happens , " said Big Sid with a wink .

Patrick smiled weakly , he just hoped Big Sid would come up with a plan .

"Fancy being ashamed of the gift of life ,  " mumbled Big Sid shaking  his

 

head before cutting the trotters from a pig .

         Another person who was planning for all he was worth was Percy  .

 

He  had loaded a program onto Andy's Atari 1040 ,  he was working out  how

 

many votes Mr Stone could rely on .  To date he had 7145 votes .  Len  had

 

been  as  good  as  his word .  Mr Stone was taken  first  to  Len's  meat

 

warehouse  ,  here he met 100 workers .  As ever Mr Stone told  them  that

 

after two years they could sling him out , the General Election was then .

After winning their support Len had personally driven Mr Stone around  the

 

area to all the butchers shops ,there Mr Stone had given a little speech .

 

Len  was proud of him ,  though at Percy's request Len said a word of  his

 

own  at the end .  He told everybody to tell any canvassers from the  main

 

parties that they were voting for them . The reason was that when Mr Stone

 

won they wanted it to be a shock ,  to be a knockout .  The word  knockout

 

brought laughter ,  as all the butchers had a poster of Mr Stone  knocking

 

the block off Mr Albert Pratt O.B.E.  . The shoppers would do as Len asked

 

though ,  let the main parties think they had the votes in the bag , then

 

on  By Election Day watch the tv.  It would be great seeing Sir Robin  Day

 

looking  shocked ,  Peter Snow of Newsnight would be made to look  a  fool

 

too ,  there was logic behind all this though .  Westminster would sit  up

 

and  listen  to the M.P.  from Old Forge and Singing  Anvil  ,  the  Black

  

Country  was no pussy cat constituency ,  it had a lion for an M.P. and he

 

would roar and roar and roar on their behalf . There was a tingle down the

 

spine of the shoppers's spines as they heard Len quote Percy's words ,  or

 

words Percy had borrowed from Shakespeare .

 

            Percy  had also spoke to Wayne ,  let the uncles come  to  the

 

Trader and let the uncles bring their friends .  Then from the Trader  the

 

message  would ripple outwards ,  let the anvil be beat ,  let  the  anvil

 

begin to sound , let the anvil begin to resound , let the anvil sing . Let

 

Mr  Stone  be the M.P.  for Old Forge and Singing Anvil .  Percy  wrote  a

 

speech  on the Atari then gave it to Mr Stone telling him to learn  it  by

 

heart ,  a copy of the speech was sent to Beacon and WABC .  Then Mr Stone

 

delivered the speech , WABC decided to come along and record it , secretly

 

the  man in the news room was rooting for Mr Stone ,  he was a boxing  fan

 

after all .

           "I am but an ordinary man ,  I am one of you born and bred ,  I

 

am not descended from a noble family .  I am descended from the wrong side

 

of the blanket ,  but I am not ashamed ,  I am a proud man ,  I am a happy

 

man  .  To  be  selected when I thought I didn't have a chance  is  but  a

 

miracle , and if I actually get elected what greater miracle that will be.

I  have  met butchers ,  bakers and undertakers and Real  Ale  drinkers  ,

 

though we are different we have one thing in common .  We love our patch ,

 

we love our home ,  we love Old Forge and Singing Anvil .  What more can I

 

say just take a chance on me ,  as the old Abba song says ,  Mr  Frederick

 

Chance  stood  aside and gave me his blessing .  Now I am asking  you  for

 

your's . If I prove to be no good then in two years you can throw me out ,

 

you can even call me bastard as Mr Albert Pratt O.B.E. did .  I am of  the

 

people and for the people ,  I am but an ordinary man who likes his  Banks

 

Bitter and pork scratchings . For me M.P. means My People not as some hope

 

secretly for My Peerage ,  " finishing his short speech Mr Stone picked up

 

his  pint  of  Banks Bitter and downed it in one ,  speech  giving  was  a

 

thirsty business .

         Betty and Annie jumped to their feet and did cartwheels ,  they'd

 

vote for him if they were old enough ,  and the uncles would too ,  that's

 

if  they  didn't want the girls to slap their faces .  The  WABC  reporter

 

smiled , he felt a tingle down his spine , there was History in the making

 

to  be sure .  Mr Stone stood up and acknowledged the applause ,  he  also

 

pointed out that though the feelings were his it would be dishonest if he

 

didn't explain that the speech was Percy Frost's the undertaker .

          When the speech was broadcast the main parties wondered who  the

 

hell  was this undertaker ,  was it a code name for a top speech writer  ,

 

had  Jeffory Archer defected to the Liberals and was he  writing  speeches

 

for  them  .  They were relieved in fact when they discovered  that  Percy

 

Frost really was an undertaker ,  besides their canvassing had showed that

 

the Liberal vote was rubbish to put it plainly .

 

         It was in the middle of this election campaign that  George  and

 

Brownie decided to marry ,  George's mourning days were over .  They  were

 

having  a  quiet  cuppa in Mark's cafe ,  only they  kissed  in  public  .

 

Everybody looked , Brownie showed everybody her ring .

"Well I am married to him you know , he's got the right to have his wicked

 

way now , " she said with a wink .

"We didn't want any fuss at our age , it wasn't a snub , " said George .

The lorry drivers all applauded , George and Brownie had made friends with

 

all the continentals ,  so when they had no local gossip there was  always

 

news from abroad .  So now news of George and Brownie's secret wedding and

 

public kissing would reach the far corners of Europe .  The drivers ran to

 

their  lorries  and  came  back  with  guitars  and  weird  and  wonderful

 

instruments . George  and Brownie were  serenaded with  songs  from  ten

 

countries .

          It was while all this was going on that Mr Stone and the  Beacon

 

and WABC radio reporter came in for a refreshing cuppa . The  reporter had

 

been there when Mr Stone had sent Albert Pratt O.B.E.  flying , now he had

 

been assigned to stay with him till the end . So Mr Stone bought a tea for

 

himself and one for William his shadow .

"What's going on here then ? " asked Mr Stone .

"George and Brownie got married ,  so the drivers are serenading them ,  "

 

explained Mark .

"Really you should go to Paris , it is the place for lovers , " said Henri

 

who lived just outside Paris .

"No you should go to the eternal city ,  Rome , that is the place , " said

 

Pietro .

"No , Paris is the place , come and stay with me , " said Henri .

"No , come to Rome , stay with me , " interrupted Pietro .

"We're a bit old for galivanting about ,  though both are nice judging  by

 

all the photos we've seen , " said Brownie .

Mr Stone listened ,  tears began to form in his eye ,  he reached into his

 

inside pocket .

"Look ,  get on a plane and go to both ,  your friends' families will meet

 

you at the airport , they'll show you a good time , " urged Mr Stone as he

 

handed them a blank cheque .

"But we cann't take that , we hardly know you , " said Mrs Brown .

"Look my ancester took the pantry maid on the Grand Tour , it was in Rome

 

and in Paris that ,  well it was there that ,  look I wouldn't be here now

 

but  for  Paris and Rome ,  just go ,  " Mr Stone was embarrassed  but  he

 

really did want them to go .  

 

"Look you go , my family will meet you in Paris . "

"And then my family will meet you in Rome . "

"Look please ,  I owe it to Percy and this street ,  I really am  enjoying

 

this electioneering ,  please just go ,   " Mr Stone blew his nose  ,  the

 

soft side of his nature had really come out lately .

"Ok ,  we'll  go but we'll be back in time to vote for you , " blurted out

 

Brownie .

"Look I don't give a damn who you vote for ,  bugger the election  ,  just

 

enjoy yourself , I'm enjoying myself thanks to Percy , " sighed Mr Stone.

 

The lorry  drivers all cheered ,  Mr Stone smiled , and sipped  his  tea .

 

William  smiled too ,  he had it all down on his tape  recorder  ,  nobody

 

would believe it that somebody running for election would say ,"bugger the

 

election" , but he had it down on tape .

           That night Beacon and WABC broadcast William's  recording  from

 

the cafe ,  ordinary folk in the Black Country thought it was a con ,  but

 

when  they  heard Mr Stone's sniffles and the "bugger the  election"  they

 

knew he was for real . A hard punching man with a heart of gold , and just

 

who  was  this Percy ,  that was twice his name had come up  .  The  other

 

parties demanded shadows for their candidates ,  WABC and Beacon were only

 

too happy to oblige .

          That night Percy and Mr Stone conferred with Mr Frederick Chance

 

in Percy's office .

"Well looking at the old scoreboard on Andy's Atari I'd say we have  17476

 

votes so far , " said Percy tapping out on the keyboard .

"But that's four times our vote from last time ,  are you sure ?  " asked

 

Mr Chance .

"These  figures are accurate ,  Len took head counts when Mr Stone  went

 

arround the butchers , Patrick took a head count too when he took Mr Stone

 

arround the bakeries . " said Percy tapping the keyboard .

"Do you think we really have a chance ? " there was a look of disbelief in

 

Mr Chance's eye .

"Well  with  two and a half weeks to go and thanks to William  ,  I'd  say

 

we'll win , but it may be close , " Percy spoke matter of factly .

"God , I need a drink , " said Mr Chance wiping his brow .

Percy reached for the cut glass decanter ,  they all had a large glass  of

 

Wayne's special reserve . They were glowing from the whisky when the phone

 

rang , duty called .

"I've got to go out to work now , " said Percy as he headed for the door .

"I'll come with you ,  its the least I can do ,  " said Mr Stone finishing

 

his whisky and following Percy out the door .

Mr  Frederick Chance looked at the computer screen ,  this was great  ,  a

 

Liberal  would win for the first time in sixty years ,  and  nobody  would

 

know till it was all announced . He decided to have another drink , God it

 

was  great stuff ,  he'd once had something like it during the War in  the

 

Red Cow pub in Smethwick .

        Outside William followed Percy and Mr Stone , he had wanted to be

 

a Policeman but being a reporter was just as much fun .  At the rest  home

 

Percy and Mr Stone took charge of a body ,  it was old Bridie ,  at 87 her

 

innings were over .  Her father had got a pantry maid pregnant and so  was

 

banished to fight the Boers , when he returned home he had married another

 

girl ,  who was a pantry maid too , Bridie in her turn had become a pantry

 

maid . She  had held Mr Stone's hand only the other day  while  she  had

 

recounted stories about her father and the Boers ,  now she was dead .  It

 

was a shock to Mr Stone ,  he was crying as he carried her body out of the

 

rest home .  He would not do any electioneering tomorrow ,  he would go to

 

her funeral .

           All this was observed and reported by William  .  The  headline

 

news the next day on Beacon and WABC said Mr Stone was attending a funeral

 

and would not electioneer that day .  William interviewed the residents of

 

the rest home , they told him how Mr Stone had held her hand for half an

 

hour only days earlier .  So that was why he was so shocked , Percy quoted

 

his father to Mr Stone , about the dead being the same as the living only

 

the laughter has left them and so on .    

 

          The other parties now started to get worried , just who was this

 

Percy was he the smartest political mover of all time or what .  WABC even

 

broadcast Percy's quote about the dead ,  people rang in to ask could they

 

have a copy .  Though the unkind types in the main parties suggested  that

 

it was stolen from some famous piece of writing and not a genuine quote .

Yet their canvassing returns said they were doing good , yet common sense

 

said this Percy had stirred up a hornets nest and they  would  be  stung  

 

on election day .

         So Mr Stone went to the funeral of a former pantry maid ,  a lady

 

whose  hand  he had held only days before ,  it was ironic that  the  dead

 

should  have  such an effect on the living ,  yet Mr Stone  was  much  the

 

better man for it all .  Percy knew this as he listened to Mozart while he

 

screwed the lid on the lady's coffin .  Percy's code of honour was rubbing

 

off on Mr Stone ,  Percy was proud of Mr Stone , it was almost like having

 

an apprentice undertaker under his wing .  The main parties rushed arround

 

with their loudspeaker vans while Mr Stone and Percy quietly honoured  the

 

dead . 

 

         Patrick's wedding was now only days away ,  he hadn't a clue  how

 

he'd  spirit hundreds of people into the church ,  Smiling Paul had  joked

 

about having a hundred coffins , the guests could jump out of them  like

 

vampires . This idea did not do down very well , there always seemed to be

 

a hard edge ,  an unkind edge to Smiling Paul and his jokes ,  so  sulking

 

Smiling Paul went back to his bookies .

         It was while Roger was in The Trader talking about the next  play

 

he was going to be in that Big Sid had the solution .  The play was  going

 

to be Helen of Troy , the Trojan Horse and so on . Big Sid Jumped up and

 

patted Roger on the back , Roger nearly choked just as Ken nearly had that

 

time in the butchers shop . So leaving Roseanne , the traffic warden who'd

 

nearly booked Patrick outside T.C.  Hayes to come to Roger's aid , Big Sid

 

ran outside .

           "Frank  I've got it ,  I've got it ,  " shouted Big Sid  as  he

 

charged up the street like a mad bull elephant .

"Out with it then , " demanded Frank .

"The Trojan horse ,  that's the answer ,  Roger thought of it really  ,  "

 

explained Big Sid .

Frank  scratched  his head ,  he'd been in the Black  Country  ever  since

 

leaving Prisoner Of War camp , but sometimes English still confused him .

"We hide everybody in our vans ,  in my van ,  in your big removal  thingy

 

and so on , we can get Roger to pretend he's booking the lot so they'll be

 

no suspicion .  Mrs Kemp won't work it out till its too late ,  " Big  Sid

 

was beaming .

"That's  a great idea ,  but have we got enough vans ,  they'll be  a  few

 

hundred people there after all , " wondered Frank .

Big Sid looked deflated for a second , then his whole face lit up , he had

 

it  Ureka , only he didn't run  around naked  as Archemedees  did  when

 

he'd discovered his solution all those years ago back in Greece .

"But there's always Len ,  I'm sure he'll lend a hand ,  I'll go phone him

 

right away , " with that a smiling Big Sid skipped away as happy as a sand

 

boy .

Frank shook his head ,  his wife was from the Black Country ,  an  English

 

Rose  ,  his  children talked in Black Country accents but  sometimes  the

 

people were confusing .  Scratching his head he went back to his furniture

 

shop .

          Len laughed when he heard Big Sid's idea , of course he'd help ,

besides he was invited to the wedding too .He'd send a few lorries along ,

 

he'd have to remember to turn the refridgeration down though  ,  otherwise

 

they'd have frozen guests on their hands .

           The  day of the wedding came ,  Patrick rung June  ,  June  was

 

wearing white at her mother's insistance .

"Just tell your dad to hold your mother's arm tight , as if he's having an

 

arm wrestling match , " explained Patrick .

"What's going to happen ? " asked June .

"I haven't a clue ,  all Big Sid said was that it'd be the happiest day of

 

Rodger's life , then he laughed his head off , " continued Patrick .

"The happiest day of HIS life , that sounds strange . Ok , I'll tell dad ,

by the way I love you , " said June .

"I  love you too ,  and I'll say it before hundreds of witnesses  in  less

 

than an hour , " said Patrick before he hung up the phone .

           June just hoped that her father had a strong grip . Mrs  Kemp

 

drove herself to the church ,  June would follow on with her father in his

  

car , tradition had to be adheered too after all , the bride arriving late

 

and so on ,  even if only a handful were going to be at the wedding . When

 

Mrs  Kemp arrived at the church she was startled to see a traffic  jam  of

 

sorts  , vans and lorries were parked all over the place  .  The  traffic

 

warden and his assistant were handing out tickets left right and centre ,

there were even aguements and fists being shaken .    

 

          Mrs Kemp went inside the church ,  all was quiet , her footsteps

 

echoed around the empty church ,  the lights hadn't even been switched  on

 

yet .  A cleaning lady was wiping the floor at the front , or so it seemed

 

for  in fact it was Peter from Peter's Plaice ,  he was the lookout  .  He

 

watched  as  she sat down ,  then creeping away he went  into  the  Parish

 

House ,  once inside he threw off his disguise and ran around to the front

 

of the church .

"The coast is clear ,  the coast is clear !   Everybody in position , " he

 

yelled .

With  that  the lorries and vans opened up to  disgourge  their  cargo  of

 

people . As for the parking tickets ,  if Mrs Kemp had examined them  she

 

would  have seen that they said "Admit Wedding Party to Troy" ,  yes  this

 

really was the happiest day of Roger's life .

 

          Patrick  arrived with his mother in Michael's  taxi  ,  he  went

 

inside  the church to whispered cheers .  Minutes later June and  Mr  Kemp

 

arrived in Percy's Rolls Royce , to more whispered cheers June and Mr Kemp

 

walked arm in arm up the isle .  The cheese was now in the trap , Mrs Kemp

 

had not smelt a rat , for she was the rat and now the trap was sprung .

Just as June and Mr Kemp reached the top of the church the lights came  on

 

and the Fr.Shaw came out like a greyhound out of a trap . People rushed in

 

from  the  back  and  from the Parish House  ,  people  emerged  from  the

 

confessionals and from the side altars ,and yet more descended the  steps

 

from the choir  loft . Jumping  up like  targets  in  an  archade  The

 

Penticostal Choir began to sing ,  "Oh Happy Day" was the song .  The damn

 

had burst and the church had filled , Nangit Tangit who had filmed all the

 

fun  before the wedding proper was at the priests heels  ,  witnesses  and

 

video too , yes a quiet wedding just what Mrs Kemp wanted !

         Mr Kemp clung onto his wife with all his might , but he need not

 

have  bothered,  how  could  she run out on her  only  child's  wedding  ,

 

especially  in front of all these witnesses .  So June was married  ,  she

 

shared the happiest day of her life with Roger ,  Roger had really enjoyed

 

himself ,  it was his greatest part ever .  Wiston's mum led the choir who

 

sung like angels , but once the wedding was over they had to dash to their

 

coach ,  they were on their way to London for a competition ,  the wedding

 

was but a warm up .

 

          Mr Stone sneaked in the back of the church and sat down next  to

 

Percy ,  a funeral one day , a wedding the next , what a roller coaster of

 

emotions .  No wonder Percy was a poet .  Percy had insisted that Mr Stone

 

come to the wedding ,  all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy was what

 

he'd said . William stood recording everything , the bride and groom would

 

like a recording no doubt about that .  The Wedding Mass over Patrick  and

 

Mrs Murphy too walked down the aisle ,  Big Sid and Len were crying as  if

 

it were there only son who'd married .  Mrs Murphy cried too , if only her

 

Con were there ,  but he'd be watching in heaven , and so he was with Joan

 

Derby  and  Mozart at his side ,  old Bartok was sulking in  a  corner  as

 

usual ,  Mozart had composed a special Wedding March ,  the souls of  Joan

 

Derby and Con Murphy were dancing to it .

           The  Wedding Reception was split between Mark's  cafe  and  the

 

Trader , close family and friends ate in Mark's , the rest at the Trader .

Once  the sit down stage was finished at Mark's everybody paraded  up  the

 

road  to  the  Trader ,  traffic stopped to see the  fun  ,  it  was  like

 

something  the French or the Italians would do .  Patrick didn't  want  to

 

upset  Mark's  feelings so at his mother's urgings Patrick had  split  the

 

reception ,  though only for an hour . The remaining food was also carried

 

up  the  road from Mark's to the Trader ,  the whole  situation  reminding

 

Percy of Hogarth's painting "The Chairing Of a Member" .  Mr Stone laughed

 

loud when Percy explained , so did William from beneath his headphones .

           Drunkeness of the kind Mozart would have been proud began ,  it

 

was a wedding after all . Big Sid took it upon himself to spike everything

 

Mrs  Kemp  drank ,  he'd already spiked her tea at Mark's cafe  .  Now  he

 

spiked her champagne , with what , what else but Wayne's Special Reserve .

Mrs  Kemp had to visit the ladies as she began to feel unwell .  When  she

 

returned she was pulling a face ,  to hide her face , and why ? Well she'd

 

managed to lose her false teeth down the ladies toilet .

"What's the matter mom , aren't you enjoying yourself ? " asked June .

"Yes , yes , " mumbled Mrs Kemp .

"You sound the same way my mother does when she's lost her false teeth , "

observed Patrick , striking the nail on the head .

Mrs  Kemp would have said "Beam me up ,  Scottie " if she was a Star  Trek

 

fan , as she wasn't she just frowned .

"What's the matter with your mom , why's she pulling a face , she looks as

 

if  she's  lost her false teeth ,  " observed Big Sid  offering  Mrs  Kemp

 

another glass of champagne topped up with 40 year old whisky .

"That's because she has ,  " said June who was going to frown but  decided

 

to laugh seeing as she was Mrs Murphy too now .

"Say no more ,  " said Big Sid thrusting the glass at Mrs Kemp , splashing

 

some down her cleavage .

         Big Sid then pretended to be a plumber , by rushing headlong into

 

the ladies loos ,  a chorus of screams rung out .  Big Sid was undaunted ,

 

working his way through the cubicals he put his hands down each one  till

 

he found the missing teeth .  With screams still ringing in his ears  from

 

the  shocked ladies in the loo Big Sid emerged triumphant  ,  holding  Mrs

 

Kemp's teeth aloft . Now everybody knew , Nangit Tangit even filmed it for

 

for  posterity  ,  if  only Mrs Kemp could have been beamed  up  onto  the

 

Starship Enterprise ,  but that wasn't possible .  Perhaps the earth would

 

swallow her up instead ,  but that didn't happen either .  Big Sid  strode

 

towards her and grabbing her hands put her dripping teeth in them .

"Here  ,  just rinse them out in this jug of Domestos ,  they'll be ok  to

 

wear then ,  " ordered Mrs Murphy the first ,  holding out a jug of  water

 

and Domestos , adding to Mrs Kemp's embarrassment .

Mrs  Kemp knocked back her glass of spiked champagne then did as  she  was

 

told  .  After rinsing out the teeth she slipped them back into her  mouth

 

trying not to be noticed in front of all the people . Her teeth tasted odd

 

but  after  all  the spiked drinks she'd had she  would  have  drunk  neat

 

Domestos if asked to .

"Bravo ,  bravo ,  " yelled Big Sid before grabbing Mrs Kemp so that  they

 

could race around the dance floor .

Dancing with Big Sid for Mrs Kemp was like being asked to ride bare back ,

but  at least she now knew how embarrassed Lady Godiva felt when she  went

 

for a ride , perhaps the horse was called Sid .

          The reception was a great success , Percy slipped out to pick up

 

a deceased ,  Mr Stone followed like a shadow ,  as did William the  radio

 

shadow .  Half an hour later the unlikely trio returned all smiles , there

 

is great companionship amongst the fellowship of the carriers of the  dead

 

to give the undertaking game its ancient title . Mr Stone had decided that

 

he  liked this William ,  he'd tip William off in future if there was  any

 

political newns to be had ,  it'd help him out at the start of his  career

 

after all .

            

            The time had come for Patrick and June to take their  leave  ,

 

though in their case it meant crossing the road so that  Patrick  could

 

carry June up the fire escape to the flat above the bakery . But first the

 

bouquet had to be thrown .

"Ok ,  girls I'll count to three then I'm throwing it .  One , two , three

 

and away it goes , " said June .

The  unmarried  women in the group lurched forward ,  this was  their  big

 

chance .  The bouquet flew threw the air ,  over the outstreched arms , it

 

seemed to be guided by magic .  It hit Roger in the chest and bounced into

 

the arms of Roseanne .  Roger gulped ,  Roseanne blushed yet she was happy

 

perhaps  he'd ask her out again now ,  on impulse she kissed him  ,  she'd

 

have to wait forever for him to kiss her .  Another pair of eyes had been

 

watching the bouquet from afar , there was a flash of fur then he was away

 

the bouquet in his teeth . Hairy Amjit ran off down the street the bouquet

 

between his teeth .

"He's off to see his girl no doubt , " laughed Patrick .

"You mean some old bitch , " snapped Mrs Murphy .

"I couldn't have said it better myself ," laughed June or Mrs Murphy too .

          So Patrick carried June up the fire escape to the flat ,  cheers

 

and wolf whistles filled the night air by way of encouragement .      Once

 

inside he placed her softly on the double bed ,  he didn't want to take  a

 

chance  with the super glue on this his wedding night .  It was then  that

 

Patrick made the biggest mistake of his wedded life ,  he straightened his

 

back too quickly .

"Agh , agh , agh , agh my back , " he moaned as he slumped to the floor .

"So  you're  not going to sleep with me on my wedding night  ,  "  laughed

 

June.

"It's a Murphy tradition , my mother slept with her sister and my dad with

 

his brother the first night . Agh agh agh my back , " moaned Patrick .

June  was going to say something when she realised Patrick really  was  in

 

pain , so rolling over she peeked down at him from the edge of the bed .

"You really hurt yourself ? " concern and laughter growing in her voice .

"Yes , yes , agh my back , " moaned Patrick .

June  lay back on the bed and laughter ,  it could only happen  Patrick  .

 

She'd have some fun at his expense ,  so getting up she first did a cancan

 

then a slow and lingering strip tease , stopping to laugh as she did it .

"I really hate you ,  I really hate you ,  agh my back ,  " moaned Patrick

 

from his position flat out on the floor .

"This  is really funny ,  " said June disolving into laughter and  holding

 

the bed to stop herself collapsing in a heap on top of Patrick .

"I'm reduced to being a Peeping Tom on my own Wedding Night ,  agh my back

 

, agh my back , " moan Patrick .

June laughted all the more and continued her routine , Patrick just closed

 

his eyes , but being a healthy man he opened them in seconds .

"I do hope you're enjoying yourself , " said Patrick gritting his teeth in

pain .

June reached the finale ,  Patrick's mouth gaped open .  June then sat  on

 

Patrick's chest .

"You're completely in my power now , " smirked June .

"Agh my back , " moaned Patrick .

June  bent  down and kissed Patrick ,  there was laughter in  her  eyes  ,

 

Patrick  was so helpless ,  she just had to love him ,  here and  now  she

 

loved him more than ever .

"Agh my back , " moaned Patrick .

June extracted a promise from Patrick now , she might never have the upper

 

hand again , so she got the promise from him .

"Promise me one thing , " she arched her eyebrows and gave him a lingering

 

kiss .

Patrick  enjoyed  the kiss for a moment ,  then his own  worries  got  the

 

better of him .

"Agh my back ,  agh my back ,  I'll promise you anything just get off me ,

 

you are killing me , " screamed Patrick .

June rolled off Patrick .

"Promise  me  that  you'll buy your mother a video so she  can  watch  the

 

wedding on it , " demanded June .

"Of course I will ,  is that all ?  " sighed Patrick the pain leaving  his

 

back now .

"For now , " said June , before starting to tickle Patrick .

"Stop it ,  stop it ,  or I'll wet myself ,  " screamed Patrick before the

 

pain in his back made him scream , "agh my back " again .

So  June  got into bed and spent her wedding night without her  husband  ,

 

though he was only three feet away , on the floor .

          Morning  came and June slid out of bed straight  onto  Patrick's

 

stomach .

"Agh my stomach , " moaned Patrick .

June just laughted , " so its spread from your back then ? "

"I really hate you , " said Patrick pulling a face .

With June's help he got to his feet , then with a lot of prompting Patrick

 

tried to touch his toes ,  if he reached down low then came slowly  back

 

up again it might put his back right .

 

"Agh , agh agh , its worked , " screamed Patrick .

There was a hoot outside , it was Michael in his taxi , so with a mad rush

 

the pair left for the airport and Greece .  Patrick rubbed his  back  non

 

stop  as Michael drove , Michael could see him in his rear view mirror  ,

 

June just laughed , Michael would have some gossip for the street .

          The election campaign ,  or beauty contest as some would call it

 

went on apace ,  Percy's tactics worked a treat .  Mr Frederick Chance  in

 

his capacity as a Baptist lay preacher went around the churches  preaching

 

and praying ,  though he had to be even handed nobody had any doubts as to

 

who he wanted as the next M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil . Mr Chance

 

had  seen  how Percy's values had rubbed off on Mr Stone  ,  this  rolling

 

stone  had gathered moss in the form of Percy's values ,  Mr Chance  could

 

see this for himself .  So Mr Chance preached for all he was worth , if Mr

 

Stone proved to be no good then Mr Chance could preach fire and  brimstone

 

too , if needs be .

           The BBC and ITV let the local network deal with the election  ,

 

the  big guns were saved for down South  in a safe Government  seat  which

  

also  had  a By-Election .  The minute swing this way and  that  would  be

 

analysed to prove just how badly the government were doing . Old Forge and

 

Singing Anvil was an also ran as far as the tv people were concerned .

          So election morning dawned ,  George and Brownie hurried through

 

customs  at Birmingham airport ,  to their surprise Mr Stone  himself  was

 

there to greet them .

"Well  you did say you'd vote for me ,  " he said as he held his car  door

 

open for them .

"Shouldn't  you  be  rounding up the lost sheep or  something  ?  "  asked

 

Brownie .

"People  are sick of it now ,  so I'm having the day off .  They'll  be  a

 

private  party at The Trader tonight once the result is announced you  are

 

both invited of course ,  " explained Mr Stone as he drove off ,  followed

 

by William his radio shadow .

          Percy  and  the  Federation of  Undertakers  and  Embalmers  had

 

arranged for cars , not hearses , to pick up people from the rest homes in

 

the  area .  Those with transport who wanted to do the same were  given  a

 

printout  of  who ,  when and where to pick up other housebound  people  .

 

Andy's  Atari  now holding a database of those needing  transport  to  the

 

polls , young James the son of Len was allowed to watch the proceedings to

 

help  him  with  his computer studies .  Everything was going  to  plan  .

 

Smiling Paul came along to sneak a look at the forcast , then like a snake

 

he  slid  away and rushed to William Hills in Hurst Street  Birmingham  to

 

make a bet . He was smiling , if he was within one hundred votes he'd be a

 

very rich and happy man .

            In  the afternoon Percy called Mr Stone and Mr Chance  to  his

 

office , he had the result ready , seven hours before the polls shut .

"Well  me  and  Andy  and  young James have  entered  all  the  figures  ,

 

accounting  for  the sick and those on holiday who forgot to get  a  proxy

 

vote , " Percy paused .

Mr Chance clutched his Bible and closed his eyes ,  for fourty years  he'd

 

been  humbled ,  now thank the Lord his time had come .  The  Lord  had

 

passed the challenge to a younger man .  The stone which the Liberals  had

 

nearly rejected would become the corner stone , Mr Stone was the man . 

"The Liberals will win by 2500 votes , they will have 32150 votes , Labour

 

will  be second with just under 30000 votes ,  the margin of error is  100

 

votes , if our research is correct , " Percy  looked around the room .

Mr Frederick Chance was crying , the local Liberals were stunned , if this

 

were  true  they'd be staying out late tonight to get drunk  ,  and  their

 

wives could go to Hell . 

 

"Let's have a drink , " said Percy passing around the whisky .

"To Mr Stone ,  Member of Parliament for Old Forge and Singing Anvil  ,  "

 

said Percy before downing his drink .

"Can I broadcast this ? " asked William the radio shadow .

"Only  after the polls shut and just before the official  announcement  is

 

made ,  the other parties won't believe it , then the official result will

 

knock them for six , " said Mr Chance through tear stained eyes .

"Now Andy  ,get in our most reliable hearse ,  to London you must  go  ,

 

deliver  this into the hands of the leader of the Liberals ,  nobody  else

 

must see it , " said Percy sounding like a general as he put the result in

 

an envelope .

 

"But what if the car breaks down ? " asked Andy .

"I'll go with him in my van , " said Patrick who was standing at the back.

"I'll go too , " said Sid , " Len will takeover in my butchers . "

So it was that the good news was brought ,  not from Aix to Ghent  , but

 

from Old Forge and Singing Anvil to London and Parliament .  The butcher ,

 

the baker and the undertaker in convoy raced down to London ,  they  would

 

return in time for the party at the Trader .

  

           The stage was set ,  and a stage it would be ,  for  Percy  had

 

decided there would be iceing on the cake , pure sweet iceing .  Mr  Stone

 

spent  Polling Day driving people to the polls in one of  Percy's  funeral

 

cars  , William the radio shadow lending a steadying hand as the old  and

 

the ancient from the rest homes as they climbed into the funeral car , for

 

some the next funeral car they'd be in  would be the hearse itself .

        Down  to  London raced Andy ,  Patrick and  Big  Sid  .  Sergeant

 

Mulholland  joined  them for the first few miles giving  them  a  flashing

 

escort .  Then he waved them goodbye and turned off the motorway . Just as

 

the  Sergeant was turning off the motorway patrol was passing by  ,  using

 

their initiative they took up the escort , besides they wanted to get back

 

to  base  before the canteen closed ,  the trio of  butcher  ,  baker  and

 

undertaker could follow in their wake .  So it was that the good news from

 

Old  Forge and Singing Anvil to London and Parliament had a police  escort

 

all the way ; other police forces took up the escort duties as each escort

 

car stopped at the end of their area .

         In  London  Andy ,  Patrick and Big Sid gained  two  motor  cycle

  

outriders , they were on their way to meet the Prime Minister's car , Andy

 

just happened to tuck in behind them and glided all the way to Parliament.

"We have a letter for the leader of the Liberal Party , " boomed Big Sid .

"Yes , its for him alone , he is expecting us , " added Patrick .

"Here it is , " said  Andy holding the letter aloft .

The armed police on guard outside Westminister scratched their heads ,  a

butcher ,  a baker and an undertaker with police escort , wanting to speak

 

to  the Liberal leader .  That was a first for sure .  The Prime  Misister

 

came out and was about to get in his car when he spotted the trio from the

 

street .

"Can I help you ? " he asked from behind his glasses .

"We want the Leader of the Liberals ,  mate ,  " said Andy not recognising

 

who he was talking to .

"Sorry I cann't help you ,  I'm with the other lot , but I'll see if I can

 

find  him  for you ,  " said the Prime Minister who went back  inside  the

 

Palace of Westminister .

A  few  minutes later the Prime Minister emerged with the  Leader  of  the

 

Liberals .

"Well I must be going now ,  nice to have met you ,  bye " said the  Prime

 

Minister as he got into his car .

"He's a nice man , so helpful , was he some kind of bank manager , " asked

 

Andy .

"Well you could say that ,  he's in charge of the Bank Of England and  one

 

or two other things , " explained the leader of the Liberals with a smile.

"I have been sent with this , " Andy held the envelope aloft .

"The  result of the Old Forge and Singing Anvil election ,  "  smiled  the

 

leader of the Liberals .

"Yes ,  and Percy says he's sorry that the margin of error is 100 , but Mr

 

Stone will be joining you down here , that's for sure . " explained Andy .

"You must be hungry , come on in we'll eat and have a pint or two , " said

 

the  leader  of  the  Liberals  as  he  led  them  inside  the  Palace  of

 

Westminister .

"I  hope you've got Bank's Bitter in here ,  or Mr Stone won't  like  this

 

place much , " warned Big Sid .

           So  the  trio had a well deserved meal  ,  the  leader  of  the

 

Liberals paid too .  After the meal the trio said their goodbyes , Big Sid

 

handed two bottles of Wayne's Special Reserve to the Liberal leader .

"When Sir Robin Day and Peter Snow get the shock of their lives give  them

 

a  little of this ,  save the second bottle for yourself if you like  ,  "

 

said Big Sid as he handed over the bottles .

With  that they set off for the Black Country ,  they didn't want to  miss

 

the party , they had to vote too in all the excitement they'd forgotten .

         Smiling Paul was excited too ,  he stood to win half a million if

 

Percy's forcast was correct , he'd be rich beyond the dreams of avarice .

Smiling  Paul  hadn't  worked out what he'd spend the  money  on  ,  he'd

 

probably  have  his winnings in cash and spend a day  counting  it knowing

 

him , then he'd hide it under the floor boards . Though he had decided one

 

thing already ,  he'd go to Chinatown in Birmingham's Hurst Street area to

 

have a celebration meal with his new friends .

 

         Big  Sid ,  Patrick and Andy arrived back just before  the  polls

 

closed  ,  so dashing in they put their cross by Mr Stone's name  .  Percy

 

called  a final meeting in his study ,  the iceing on the cake had  to  be

 

prepared after all .

          Back  in London the leader of the Liberals was  smiling  like  a

 

Cheshire cat ,  Sir Robin Day gave him sidelong glances , something was in

 

the wind but what was it . The leader of the Liberals had resealed Percy's

 

envelope and handed it to Sir Robin just before they went on air ,  it was

 

as if the result of a beauty contest had already been decided .  Sir Robin

 

had once stood for Parliament as a Liberal himself before he went on to be

 

the biggest and best political interviewer Britain had ever known ,  so he

 

knew a Cheshire cat when he saw one !

           Peter Snow spoke of swings to the left and swings to the  right

 

as he prowled in front of his charts in his brown suede shoes , as for the

 

result in Old Forge and Singing Anvil that was a forgone conclusion ,  and

 

an  irrelevance  compared  to the spoils in  the  South  ,  though  nobody

 

actually  said that .  And still the leader of the Liberals smiled like  a

 

Cheshire  cat  ,  Sir  Robin would have loved to know  what  was  in  the

 

envelope in his pocket ,  he must have felt like Gollum in The Lord of The

 

Rings  ,  the envelope was calling to him ,  it was teasing him ,  it  was

 

torturing him .

           Back in the Old Forge and Singing Anvil Council House the count

 

had begun , the various Party spokesmen had made their predictions . It was

 

Mr Frederick's Chance's turn to give an opinion .

"The  Moneychangers will be chased out of the Temple ,  we shall take  off

 

our shoes and shake the dust from them ,  the veil of The Temple shall  be

 

rent  from  top to bottom ,  after death is life ,  "  he  smiled  winking

 

straight into the camera .

In the Trader a cheer went up ,  in The Red Cow a cheer went up ,  in  the

 

Blue  Gates a cheer went up ,  in the Punchbag a cheer went up  ,  in  the

 

Waterworks a cheer went up ,  in The Bell and Pump a cheer went up  ,  all

 

over the constituency of Old Forge and Singing Anvil cheers went up in all

 

the pubs and clubs .  Even in the Bell in Harbourne a cheer went up  ,  Mr

 

Kemp was in on the secret so he'd escaped his wife for the evening .

          Back  in London still the leader of the Liberals smiled  like  a

 

Cheshire  cat  ,  Sir  Robin was allowed to look at the  contents  of  the

 

envelope  so  long  as he said nothing for a while .  Sir  Robin  did  not

 

believe  what  he'd  just  read  so  he  kept  mum  .   The  other   party

 

representatives  demanded to know what the big secret was ,  so  they  too

 

were allowed to read Percy's forcast .

"And  where  exactly did you get this information from  ,  "  laughed  the

 

Labour man tossing the forcast back at the leader of the Liberals .

"Let's say a butcher ,  a baker and an undertaker told me ,  or rather  an

 

undertaker's  son ,  " smiled back the leader of the Liberals now  looking

 

more like a Cheshire cat than a Cheshire cat .

"Come , come , I know we are politicians but lets have a straight answer     

 

for once , " demanded the Tory spokesman .

"Well if you don't believe me ,  then ask the Prime Minister ,  it was him

 

who  personally brought me the message ,  " the Liberal leader   had  just

 

drunk the cream judging from the look on his face .

           Peter  Snow  with more news of his swings  ,  he  was  like  an

 

overgrown kid displaying the tricks he could perform on his home computer,

interrupted  the politicians as he danced in front of his charts  in  his

 

brown  suede shoes .  And still the leader of the Liberals lapped  up  the

 

cream .

           The result was about to be announced in Old Forge  and  Singing

 

Anvil , Mr Stone winked at William .

"Hello just before the result is announced I'd like to announce a  special

 

forcast  produced  this morning by Mr Percy Frost  the  undertaker  .  The

 

Liberals will win by 2500 votes with a total of 32150 , " said William all

 

in one breath to the listeners of Beacon and WABC .

          "There is a local radio report that the Liberals have won  ,  it

 

must be wishful thinking ,  " gushed Peter Snow dismissing the information

 

handed to him on a piece of paper .

"That's  about right ,  isn't it Sir Robin ,  " smiled a Cheshire cat  who

 

bore a striking resemblance to the leader of the Liberals .

Sir Robin grasped Percy'd forcast which was on the desk before him .

"But , but but , just who is this Percy Frost , " stammered Sir Robin .

          The T.V. coverage went live to the Black Country for the result.

It  was true Mr Stone had won by 2399 votes ,  a Liberal had won  the  Old

 

Forge  and Singing Anvil constituency for the first time in sixty years  .

 

Mr Frederick Chance went down on his knees and prayed ,  though it was the

 

other parties who had been brought to their knees that night .

          The other parties were in a state of shock ,  the leader of  the

 

Liberals reached down to the floor and picked up both bottles of Wayne's

Special Reserve .  Peter Snow looked as if ,  he'd been told there was  no

 

Father  Christmas ,  Sir Robin Day was lost for words for the first  time

 

ever in his life . The leader of the Liberals just smiled as he poured out

 

the whisky . As they all drank there was another look of surprise on their

 

faces , where did this whisky come from ?

"Oh , the whisky's from Old Forge and Singing Anvil too , good isn't it ? "

 

said the leader of the Liberals looking surprised for the first time that

 

night .

         The  tv coverage ended with Peter Snow crying as  he  drank  his

 

whisky  ,as  for the other parties all they wanted to know was  where  the

 

whisky came from , "bugger the election where's the whisky from exactly"

was what viewers heard as the studio lights went down .

         Cheers rang up all over the Black Country , now the fat cats down

 

in  London would listen to them ;  cheers rang out through the Old  Forge

 

and Singing Anvil Council House as Mr Stone stood before the microphone .

"God I could murder a pint of Banks , " was the first thing he said .

There was an almighty clash as the doors to the chamber opened ,  Big  Sid

 

and  Len stood framed in the doorway ,  they were wearing blood  smattered

 

butchers aprons and holding the mightiest of meat cleavers . A scream rang

 

out ,  Mr Stone glanced at Percy .  Then there was a blood curdling howl ,

 

followed by another then another ,  people froze with terror . Then a wolf

 

appeared  ,  the wolf entered the chamber and looked around as if  looking

 

for a victim . The wolf howled as the Red Sea parted , the wolf was at and

 

through the door ,  the wolf howled again and again and again . Dudley Zoo

 

up the road went crazy , all the animals joined in , they echoed the howls

 

coming from Old Forge and Singing Anvil Council house .  Nobody knew  what

 

to do . Then a little Indian Princess appeared , dressed as if attending a

 

wedding ,  she was dressed for her marriage .  It was Jaswinder , the wolf

 

was no wolf , just hairy Amjit .

"Silly dog ,  don't frighten  the people ,  " chided Jaswinder , with that

 

she kissed the dog .

Together hairy Amjit and Jaswinder went through the crowd to the stage .

Mr Stone reached down and picked her up .

"As I was saying I could murder a pint of Banks , " he paused .

With  that Wayne and Patrick appeared in the doorway carrying a barrel  of

 

Banks  ,  to cheers led by Len and Big Sid they brought the barrel to  the

 

podium .

In seconds Wayne had tapped the barrel and handed Mr Stone a frothing pint .

"Yes  ,  as I was saying ,  the wolf is at the door for the other  parties

 

now  ," he paused as hairy Amjit began to howl ,  " no more will doors  be

 

slammed in the face of the small ,the little , the innocent people  . For

 

you have  made me your M.P. and tonight my door is open and it will always

 

be  that way so long as I am your M.P.  For  being an M.P.  means but  one

 

thing ,  Marriage to a People ,  cheers !" with that Mr Stone M.P. drained

 

his  glass .

          Local tv.  had continued with live coverage ,  so throughout the

 

Black Country a cheer went up as they watched the new M.P. drink his beer.

People  remember the seige of Old Forge and Singing Anvil ,  but  now  the

 

undertaker  had  returned in triumphant ,  and with him the wolf  and  the

 

Indian Princess to open doors wide ,  never again would doors be  slammed

 

in  people's faces .  Leaving the barrel of Banks for the losers to  drown

 

their sorrows in Mr Stone rode with Percy in triumphant back to the street

 

and the Trader .

 

      The last time the Trader saw such fun was V.E. Day , the beer flowed

 

like the River Black itself ,  there was another black river that night  ,

 

the  river of Guinness which flowed down people's throats .  Smiling  Paul

 

was buying everybody in sight drinks ,  it was as if he'd won the Pools  ,

 

in fact he hadn't , but he'd won two bets on the result of the election .

         The next day the news papers were full of the amazing victory  in

 

the Black Country ,  one or two had a feature on the man behind the scenes

 

Mr  Percy Frost the local undertaker .  He had buried the  opposition  for

 

sure , and his prediction was only 101 votes out , or one if you count the

 

margin  of  error  .  If somebody had had a bet on the  result  using  his

 

figures then they'd be a rich man , a very rich man indeed .

         But one man did have a bet ,  Smiling Paul was his name .  He was

 

now a very rich man .  Another man for whom the election ment so much  was

 

Martin . He'd seen all the theatre , he'd seen Jaswinder and hairy Amjit .

He  just  wanted to spit ,  it made him sick ,  because of her  he'd  been

 

bitten by that animal , now he was lumbered with a pregnant girlfriend and

 

no money .  He cursed her ,  the dog and the street .  Such mixed emotions

 

brought about by a simple election . Who knew what the future would bring.