Hot Weather(c) by Michael Casey

Hot Weather ©

By

Michael Casey

They say that some like it hot, me I like it just right, just as the 3 bears in Goldilocks and the 3 Bears did. My wife does call me a polar bear, I am a large sized person after all, she does call me that too. Though me and the girls do call her the witch, with the hackled voice too, on occasions.

But what about the weather?  We are having a heat wave here in Birmingham and the rest of the country.  Though we did just have thunderstorms and a new Royal baby in the middle of it.

Where I live if there is half a smile from the sun then the legs are out. I mean literally, all the men sport shorts, short fat and hairy legs suddenly appear. And don’t you wish they’d hide those hideous legs. Yuck.

Me I have great legs, but as a public service I hide them, I keep them covered. If I were to reveal   them  old ladies would faint and young ladies would swoon. Sergeant Mulholland from Old Forge and Singing Anvil police station did have a quiet word. He said he’d buy me 17 pints of Stella and a packet of cheese and onion crisps, to soak up the Stella, IF I promised to keep my long trousers on, and never reveal my stout hair legs.

So that’s why when the whole of my area is in shorts I’m still in long trousers, standing at bar of The Trader, trying ever so hard to finish my Walkers cheese and onion crisps.

The girls in my area they too are in shorts, it’s like  being at the beach, but there is no sand. Why should a bit of sunny effect people so much? Well we did all have the worse winter in 50years, I can even remember the snowball fights with my brother. One end of the garden had a carved up snowman, the other end near the hedge had a wall the width of the garden. Yes that was 50years ago.

But what of the sun, well we don’t normally get heat waves over here in England. So everything stops. It’s as if a war time siren sounds and its screamed from the roof tops “SHORTS ON”. Our police don’t wear shorts, it’s their legs you see, policemen’s legs have to be covered, it’s the law in England. If you don’t believe me go write to the Library of Congress and ask to speak to Randy Cheserwich he’s the police attire specialist, world affairs.

People smile more when the sun shines, even burglars, because we leave our doors and windows open. So remember to be sensible. Though in the street next to mine we did have an attempted burglary due to the sunshine and open doors. It could have ended in tragedy.

The burglar sneaked into the home, and was half way up the stairs when he saw a sight to behold. The ugliest and hairiest legged man in the world, no not me.  But this man was too hot so he was wander around his own home, au natural. The burglar screamed and ran off.

That was a mistake, as Gregory the home owner happened to be a sprinter. The burglar was already in shock from the what he had seen, but being chased up the high street, was another shock. When you have the fear of god in you, you can tun fast really fast. But not fast enough, people came out of the butcher, the baker and the undertaker and watched the race. Smiling Paul from the bookies even placed a bet on the result.

Screams and shouts as Gregory caught the man, no he wasn’t Gregory’s girl, he was Gregory’s thief. Gregory also happens to be a Black Belt, though he wasn’t wearing any trousers. So Gregory bounced the thief off a wall, before making a citizen’s arrest.

 It was then that Gregory met his future wife, Amanda from the material shop. She had seen everything, and she thought, that’ll do for me, I can always shave him. So striding out of the material shop she wrapped Gregory in green material. He was all hers now, the urge was upon her, and as Gregory looked in her eyes the urge was upon him.

A normal kind of Summer’s day in Old Forge and Singing Anvil, so ask for The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker at Amazon Kindle.

Bye now I think I’ll put my shorts on. Michael