Checking out the Checkout (c) by Michael Casey

Checking out the Checkout ©

By Michael Casey

Maybe I’m old fashioned, or maybe it’s a form of sport for me, but I enjoy the checkout process, it’s fun. I believe in having a chat as you buy your stuff. Self- service tills are evil, they lead to unemployment, I speak as somebody who had family work in shops. I also speak as the writer of Shoplife a comic play of mine, it nearly made me famous over twenty years ago. I also did 3 years front of house at the 4star CPNEC.

So why do I think the checkout is fun? Well as I watch the staff two or three of them if I’m in a supermarket, or just one if I’m elsewhere I observe them and see who is good who is bad and who is sad. Occasionally I say I’m the mystery shopper, just for fun. Just to see their reaction. They probably think I a boring old fart, but perhaps he IS the mystery shopper.

They are all taught to make eye contact, which is hard as I wear shades most of the time, not as a pose, I really need them, 20plus years in dark computer rooms means that I squint in tiny amounts of sun. So they look up and see their own reflection in my shades. But they are nice as a rule. Some will have dead eyes, too much time spent on the pop the night before. Some are clockwatching, they want to go home. Some need to go home, they have the school run to do.

While in the queue I think which joke shall I rehearse with the checkout girl/boy. You can test your material while you have your 40 seconds at the till. Perhaps stand ups should be forced to test their material at the checkout before boring us at the club, he should have tested it at Lidl first would be the whisper.

There is banter too from checkout to checkout, so you can watch and enjoy the free show. Sometimes the checkout crew can hand you a line on a plate, and you just forehand smash it. Laughter reins. I remember Andy on the switchboard from my hotel days. When things were quiet I’d say something and he would ace it with his reply. Sometimes deliberately I fed the line, other times he was just quick. But the ambience was great. Andy would wrinkle up his face and purse his lips before SMASH, we were laughing. CPNEC was known as a very friendly  hotel, the recruitment process chose smiling faces. Andy would go to his lunch and I’d cover on his switchboard while he relaxed for 30mins. I really admire Andy, his disability meant he had to use two sticks, but he’d hold them up like two fingers, nothing would get him down.  

Little old ladies and the lonely get comfort as well as shopping when they go shopping. That’s why I admire checkout folk, they really do make a difference. That little bit of human contact can and does make the difference. I like to have fun with the manager too. There is some hand held computer thingy which they use to count stock. So I always ask the manager has she Tazered any staff or shoplifters today. Or you can ask the checkout girl how fast can they run, then you add you won’t bother doing any shoplifting that day.

So that’s my view on checkouts, and I can hear you all asking how often does the Checkout Closed  suddenly appear when I approach the till?