Vote for Me in May 2015

Vote for Me in May 2015 ©

By Michael Casey

I am of course from the landed gentry, my family goes back 500 years, that’s in County Kerry Ireland of course. So I am from the bogs, somebody switched the lights out so I was stuck in there for hours. I am the son of a blacksmith, which proves my working class credentials, so you will of course vote for me.

No don’t vote for him vote for me instead, I live on jam and bread I’m so poor, but I love being poor it’s where my heart is. I love living amongst the rainbow coloured people, I don’t drink lots of tea nor smoke a pipe, I haven’t even got a wife. Just vote for me, I am a man of the people, people love me and my sandals and the faint smell of weed, I didn’t inhale, maybe I just splashed myself not weed myself.

I am a self-made man, nobody gave me anything, I did it all myself, and not because I don’t have any friends, so vote for me. I can lead and I can make money, that’s why I have 8 houses and 5 jaguars. Which is twice as many cars than that man who always had eggs thrown at him. Though not as many houses as that former politician, you know the one that smiles a lot. I’d be smiling if I was ½ as rich as him. Just vote for me, I was at grammar school.

No don’t vote for any of those, just vote for me, I have no policies nor vision, I do like a good pint, which proves that I’m the real man of the people. I just hate a few things, my candidates hate a few things too, but when we find out just what I expel them.

So this is my vision, vote for me. Yes I’ve never had a real job, I did go to Cambridge and do PPE, then I was a political assistant at central office before being sent up north to be an MP for a working class constituency. They’ll believe any BS up north and just keep on voting how they have always voted. I do hate my constituency and  their  little funny accents and cloth caps, not to mention their “culture” but it’s the cross I have to carry. They don’t have decent wine in the pubs and clubs up there, but thankfully I’m so busy with constituency work in London I hardly ever have to visit.

No, that guy is just a fool and a fake. I live in my constituency and enjoy country sports, I’m goosing ½ the constituency ladies, and they and their daughters are ever so grateful. I’m a real county man, and I wear real wellies, apart from when I’m in bed with the Major’s wife, or is it daughter?

See they are so shallow, they’ll never save the planet, if everybody wore hemp sandals the world would be a much better place. We have a Trade Fair sandals and coffee shop, saving the planet is so trendy. I met a couple of really great students, said they were with Greenpeace, then I awoke in their bed the camcorder was switched on. I then had a call from The News Of The World asking did I have any statement to give. I told them to publish and be damned.  

Nothing was published, nobody would believe somebody in my political party would have it in him. The other lot yes, but my party no. We lack credibility, if only I had lied it could have swung the election for me. A swinger would attract attention and votes, but I missed my chance. I’m no Russell Brand believing in nothing and getting lots of press.

Just vote for me, I’m the bloke down the pub, why walk the streets like a prostitute, I mean politician, or did I really mean prostitute? Just vote for me, you know it makes sense, we hate the same things don’t we, so just let’s stick together. Whose round is it next? And can I have some crisps too?

So with politicians like these perhaps Russell Brand will get elected. You get what you deserve they say, so be careful who you vote for.

I would just love to go to Burger King and have a really good conversation with Jeremy Paxman and Norman from the BBC as well as a few other cynics. John Sopal is now in USA  so I really miss his contemptuous style, he would call it probing, I call it treating the politicians just how they should be treated.

Love thy Neighbour as Thyself it says in the Bible. Politicians should never be treated that way. I’ll leave it there for this year, if Lord Archer has room for me at his table in Burger King then I’d love to chat with him too, though I’d love one of his posh dinners in strange places. Though WE could have a posh dinner at Burger King Birmingham, just bring caterers in, I’d vote for that.