The 900 Year Old Man

The 900 year Old Man ©

By Michael Casey

Get your eyeballs here, deep fried and fresh from the battle field, nice and crunchy, eyeballs, eyeballs get your eyeballs here.

I’ll have one, but they better be crunchy or I’ll kill you old man or not.

And were they crunchy? Yes, best eyeball I’ve had in many a year. What’s the recipe?  I collect the oil thrown down from the ramparts and reheat it and let the eyeballs simmer for 5 minutes, I throw in a bit of heather too. You like heather don’t you Highlander? I do can I have a few to take away, just put them in my sporran. That’ll be one gold piece. That’s a bit steep. I saw you take 2 sacks of gold from those corpses over there, you would begrudge an old man a bit of money. 

Here take your money from my sporran, just because you are an old man.

Yes I’m 900 years old. The Highlander laughed, me too, see you when you are 1000 years old. I’ll be here waiting for you laughed the old man. The old man looked at the gold coin and hid it in his boot, these eyeballs were selling really well, maybe in a  few hundred years’ time he’d have a chain of fast food restaurants  selling eyeballs. Eyeballs to Go with a cartoon of a bloody eyeball, it was a great business model.

The old man heard a funny noise going in and out of his head, and a blue flashing light.  An object appeared in the middle of the battle field, a strange man appeared. Fancy an eyeball asked the old man, help an old man, buy an eyeball. I’ll have two answered the strange man in a Scottish accent. And where have you come from in that strange box with the blue light on the top?

I’ve been here and there, I’m the Doctor answered the Doctor  as he chewed on the eyeball. The Doctor wolfed down the 2^nd one as they were so tasty. Do you make theses yourself you could found a chain of restaurants they are just so tasty.  What are the made from? From the Battle, whey let the carrion have the best bits. You mean you mean, you’ve turned me into a cannibal?

Food is food, don’t be squeamish Doctor, replied the old man, holding out his hand for payment. Sorry but I never carry money replied the Doctor. That’s fine I’ll won’t kill you replied the old man, I’ll just have your eyes, I can sell those. Have a heart begged the Doctor, ok I’ll have one of your two hearts answered the old man.

How did you know I have two hearts? I have very acute hearing I can hear them both ticking replied the old man.

Look what’s that over there misdirected the Doctor, as the old man looked the Doctor ran away, all the old man could hear was the noise from the strange box and the flashing of the blue light on top of it. The old man thought the Doctor was just a snack thief, an eyeball snack thief. The Doctor was sick in one of the 50 toilets in the Tardis, what had he eaten, was he a cannibal, if only he could consult a Philosopher. So he decided to go and visit the very first Dalai Lama,  and at least he wouldn’t be eating human eyeballs.

Another Time, battle rages, Highlander spots the 900 year old man stealing from the dead, which is the norm in battle after all. Old man how did you get here? I have a donkey, just like Sancho Panza replied the 900 old man. I bet you stole it from him really laughed the Highlander. No I gave him a meal in a bottle same as I gave all the French you see lying dead here. So you poisoned everybody laughed the Highlander. No I was in charge of catering that’s all, bullets and bayonets killed these  French, NOT my cooking.

So you must be a Time Traveler then, or you follow  a really good diet. What about yourself Mr Highlander   replied the 900 year old man. Me, I just say my prayers at night, I do not know why I live so long. At that moment there was a flashing blue light in the sky and a strange noise. It was the Doctor. Hello Highlander said the Doctor, before turning to the 900 year old man. You are still alive then? Of course we all are, but how is it possible?

Oh no, oh no, oh no screamed the Doctor. I thought all the Dalai Lamas were playing a joke on me, they ALL said I was one of three. I thought they meant regenerations, but no it’s something far far worse than that. WE ARE BROTHERS. The 900 year old man laughed, but why have I aged and you two have not? It must be all the eyeballs, they keep me alive but I lost my youthful face.

I just travel in a straight line through time said the Highlander, I always end up on a battlefield and I always meet the 900 year old man. I just go all over the place in space and time, but I keep on meeting you guys. It’s strange I don’t understand it.  Perhaps we are just pawns on a chest board and are being moved about us even realizing is. Or is it some altered state of reality?

 All three stop. Can you hear the Music, Keep on Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough it’s from Michael Jackson’s History Album.

You don’t mean, yes we’re trapped inside the screen on Michael Casey’s computer, he’s listening to the History Album while he writes story 866, WE are just Figments of his IMAGINATION.