New Year's Special Offers

New Year’s Special Offers ©

By Michael Casey

On my way back from the bathroom, and cKd dictates a fair few visits, I was thinking about Resolutions as today’s topic. I thought it was the obvious one which is being used the world over, it is still only 4th Jan 2017. Then the postman arrived and I had some junk mail, so I was derailed into writing about that. If by then end of the piece you think I should have talked just about Resolutions then cast your vote, by buying all12 of my books on Amazon. If you want Logic, go talk to Dr Spock or is it the other Spock?

So where I live the Amazonian rain forest comes straight though my letterbox, no not a scene from Jumanji, but we DO have a swirl of paper coming through the letter box. Letters and junk mail, not to mention fliers for fast food and taxis, you would need a taxi because you could not walk if you ate all the fast food on offer. Does the pizza place have a brother who owns a taxi firm, because some of the pizza places are 3 miles away, you would need a map just to find them.

Buy one regular pizza and get a free can of fizzy pop, buy a family sized pizza and  get a 3 litre monster bottle of  your choice, cola or lemonade, that’s the choice, 2. There is a 3rd brother, who is a dentist, he just loves his big brothers to bits, without them adding to the tooth decay in the city he wouldn’t be living in such a big house. It’s him who bought the 3 new taxis for his big brother’s taxi company, and gave his other brother cash to buy a third pizza parlour. Brotherly love and tooth decay go hand in hand. He is rewarded for his kindness, his wife has tanning studios about the pizza parlours, why waste the spare upper room.

Wood burning stoves are very popular where I live, they weren’t but a 4th brother discovering the amount of junk post he was getting and knew it was perfect fire starter material. So after he got his own wood burning stove he had a brainwave, or rather as his wife was doing her nails she joked you should go into business like your brothers. Tell everybody that a wood burning stove as well as being very trendy was perfect for burning all the rubbish post. Kill two birds with one stone if you like.

So a 4th business was born, and brother number 4 and his wife soon moved into a house near his dentist brother, this proves just how much junk special offer post there is where I live.

So everything goes along swimmingly, but there are two certainties in Life, and they are Death and Taxis, sorry I mean Taxes.  So the brothers got over confident, and “forgot” to pay all their taxis, sorry I mean taxes. Suddenly the pizza and taxi companies  were under new ownership, the tanning business too. As for the 4 brothers they moved to avoid the taxman, they say they went to Spain, anyway someplace hot, where Arthritis doesn’t raise its ugly head.

The Four Brothers became a big brand, it was cosmetic surgery on the cheap, the very cheap. There is lots and lots of money in Vanity after all, and no leaflets needed to be delivered. The pizza parlour brother retrained on the computer, he became a whiz at marketing, no longer scattering ingredients on a pizza base, words on a page was all he needed. The taxi brother set up spam servers, delivering the message everywhere, no need to drive about in the dark.

The only dark he used was the Dark Web to hide their money from all the taxmen the world over. The four brothers did think of moving to Ireland because of the low taxis, sorry I mean taxes but their wives overruled them. Sunshine was their priority, Cromane beach was great but not as hot hot hot as where they were hiding from the Revenue.

So this New Year 2017 as you sit in the damp and cold think about the four brothers and be jealous. Though it did all end in tears, a retired Revenue worker was drinking a pint of Mild in a bar in some place hot and guess what. He overheard the lot, and texted his son who worked for some place, ok I’ll tell you, his son worked for the cops, the Police. His son had always loved computers and aged 14 he had hacked the Police computer they had given him a job on the spot at twice his dad’s salary.

You can guess the rest. Death and Taxes are dependable, even if pizza and taxis stick to your teeth, no matter what the fliers say.