The Perils of House Hunting

The Perils of House Hunting ©

By Michael Casey

Well we saw a couple more houses today, though I actually missed it as I was seeing the GP, my kidneys are falling apart now, I sound like a right wreck, but I still look like George Clooney, I bet you are all so jealous. I can also see the irony that my daughter wants to be a doctor, and I may need my own private doctor such is the state of my body, but God is Good as my mum used to say….

Now house hunting does improve your geography as you say where is that all the time, thankfully www.rightmove.co.uk has maps so you can look and see where a place is. Oh it’s in Harborne or in Winson Green with a great view of the prison, such a historic place, or near the city centre and all such places left right and centre LIE the estate agents. So you look on the map and see where it really is. Or its in Edgbaston they say when really it’s in pretend Edgbaston or pretend Harborne, less Rolls Royces and more white van man territory.

If you can decide on a map which area you really want to live in then it’s easier, in our case it must be walkable to the girls’ school. My sister chimes in that she had to walk for 30 mins there and 30 mins back for 7 years to her convent school, our two would never walk so far. For me it must be within 10 mins walk to a shop just so I can get milk and bread, rice and toilet paper comes in bulk so we never run out of that. It must not be up too steep a hill either, my walking anywhere as if I were a Sherpa are sadly over. But at least we now know geographically where we want to live.

The only problem is that the houses disappear like mist or spray off a shaking dog’s back. The last 4 went in a week, though I hope that this means our own house goes just as fast, and maybe just maybe I’ll get more for it when I flog it. Note for American readers flog means sell, it has no sexual connotations, though that does give me some ideas…

You look online and the specs look good and the pictures look even better, so you go and look and the room size is always wrong. The 3^rd bedroom is always the right size for a pigmy, or a child of 7, then the estate agent neglects on purpose to mention the central heating boiler which takes up half the space on one wall. I know from bitter experience all about central heating boilers. Mine was condemned and had a do not use sticker stuck to it, this was when I decided that I’d have it serviced, this was a couple of years after I’d been using it decades ago. British Gas were more than happy to overcharge me and install a new one, this was equivalent to 2 months salary.

Never accept a house with a boiler in a bed room, you may just die of carbon monoxide poisoning, or it could be safe but would you let any child of yours sleep in such a space? And yes have a gas safe certificate done before you move in, don’t be naïve as I was decades ago.

Yes this house has a tree in the garden, it’s so lovely to hear birdsong in the mornings. Yes that is true, but not if you can barely open the kitchen window because the tree’s branches are pushing against a window. And Robins are sweet at Christmas but not with their beaks against your kitchen window. Once I actually saw a house like that, the house cost 5K that’s how long ago it was.

Stairs are nice, they help you get to the bathroom, and I know all about needing bathrooms grace a mes kidneys, but if they are so steep you need a rope and oxygen to climb them, then that house should be crossed off the list, you will grow old and never reach the bathroom but pee on the bottom step of the stair. Ditto with zigzag stairs that are so narrow, stairs should be manageable when you are drunk or chasing your girlfriend to bed. You don’t want to fall over and bang your head and spend the night unconscientious on the stairs instead in bed with your girl. That would be a memorable night but for all the wrong reasons.

A garden is nice, but not one which is more like the Battle of the Somme, or the reverse where the garden is like a NCP car park, low maintenance garden, they mean Paddy and Mick poured concrete all over it, or their cousin Shamus tipped the left-overs from where they were working into your back garden.

Always look at the roof too, the stars at night are such a pretty sight, but you should go outside to view them, not look up from your living room window. Talking of night, at night you switch the lights on. And if the plugs and switches look like something from Dad’s Army the wartime comedy then maybe but maybe you may want to reconsider buying that property, or adding it to the costs the house will incur.

I cannot explain what a house means to me or to you, it’s just a 15min decision that you end up paying 25years for.  Children cost more money and you never stop paying for them, though kids are always more fun than houses. I’ll let you into a secret how did I choose the house we all live in now. The dog lifted his leg and peed and only then did I notice the for sale sign. So I bought the house.  

  Yes really, my sister in law who’s a lawyer did suggest that I borrow her dog and maybe he could pee on the right house for us. As you all rush out to take the dog for a walk I’ll go and cock my own leg and go to the bathroom, 2 toilets are a good idea when house hunting too. Just be careful where you dog pees, I hope its love at first sight, the house he pees on that is.