Too Stupid for Words

Too Stupid for Words ©

By Michael Casey

Hello I got your name from the wall of the Gent’s toilet, I believe you may need our services. Who are we? Oh we the Imbecile Corps, yes it is a French sounding name. We help those who cannot help themselves, oh what we do? We are Chasseurs des Ambulance, yes another French word, everything does sound so much better in French.

We heard, that you had a dispute with your Butcher about the size of his bangers, he said they were as big as the Baker’s baguettes, yes yet another French word. But you said you nearly had a visit to the Undertaker because of his bangers. Yes, The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, sounds like a book title from Michael Casey the Birmingham writer whoever he is.

Now from what we heard in the Gents, though it was rather noisy because old Jack was farting away in the 3^rd cubicle, which is his favourite one as it has a window so he can keep an eye on his mobility scooter while he dumps away, and he could be in there for a good 15 minutes, if Elsie has made her meat pies. Anyway we heard about your problem, so we are here to assist.

We can write a nasty letter on your behalf with lots of big words in, threatening Big Sid the butcher if he does not offer immediate replacement bangers. But you would rather have a quiet word with him yourself. Our big words are very long you know, much longer than the size of Big Sid’s bangers.

Big Sid wouldn’t be intimidated by big words, his cleaver is half a metre long, and if he doesn’t understand any words he can always cross the road and ask Percy the Undertaker or Mrs Kemp, Patrick’s mother in law.

Don’t you want restitution? No, you shouldn’t believe what is scrawled on toilet walls. And besides The Trader in Old Forge and Singing Anvil is a much better pub. Have I got any friends who have slipped on banana skins or on raised kerbs, or had somebody fart near them in an elevator. Yes elevator, it sounds so much better if you use the American term for lift.

Can I just piss off, because it sounds so much better in Anglo Saxon. A quiet word is always better than a long letter, a French letter and a French kiss may be better than the English variety, but other than that can you Piss off you Foolish Ambulance Chaser.