Getting Ready to Go Out

Getting Ready to Go Out ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I’m Home Alone my 3 girls have gone out, I think Bicester Village is the destination, where they can meet other members of the family, the Chinese family that is. I was watching my Shanghai wife transform herself before she left. She colonised a corner of the breakfast bar while she put her makeup on, she had of course brought our dustbins in from the street before she began. Now as she squats in the corner by the fridge she transforms herself. No longer the 16 year old face, as eyebrows and lipstick and a bit of rouge is added. She becomes the woman wolves want. Luckily she is martial arts trained, so she discards her leopard leggings and National Geographic body warmer and morps into a lady with matching attire. And ages 10 years, but still is 20 years younger looking that she really is.

My daughters discard the house PJs for teenage looks, I ask my small daughter did her trousers, or should I say culottes shrink. She gives me a look that would kill most, its the Fashion is her reply. My other daughter has a short skirt on. When she was born they said she had long legs and would no doubt be wearing short skirts, so the were right 17 years ago.

Totoro our female cat wonders what is going on from her perch on top of the fridge, so she does the cello as she licks herself, all my girls cat included are preening themselves. Then with a See You they are gone. So Totoro leaps off the fridge to find a spot on the sofa. She’ll have peace until the shoppers return.

As for me I look out the window and wonder when will my drawers be dry, we have a 2 washing lines full of clothes. I am tasked to bring all the washing in before a May shower gets it. Forever the housewife. I also have to seek out the best offer on toilet paper, which brand where offers the best options, 100 rolls of toilet paper for my ever so sensitive bottom. In days of old you used to pick your spot and then use a blade of grass to wipe your ass. As my mother often told me, you can Google Earth Cromane Lower County Kerry to see where she was born, though the stone building has now been rearranged into part of my cousin’s house.

I may go out later myself, I’ve just emailed the story so far, what’s above this line to my girls, they should have reached Bicester by now, so while they eat cake they can read about themselves, Home Thoughts from Birmingham if you like. What am I like before I go out, do I preen myself? I used one of the girls’ various brushes to tame my silver locks and my wild eyebrows then I blow several kisses to myself in each of our mirrors. With girls in the house you have to have plenty of mirrors, I of course am far from vain. If I were I’d steal some concealer for my wrinkles, luckily as I am fat I am wrinkle free. Ok, don’t magnify those photos of me, you are so cruel , and you three, Lech, Boris and Gregorgi can you just stop preening your facial hair in my mirrors.

I then head for the bathroom and splash a bit of Jeyes Fluid behind my ears after first having a pee. Then making sure I have closed my zip, carefully, old men leave their flies open or so I am told, so you have to check yourself in the mirror before finally leaving the house. Luckily my dandruff seems to be in control lately so I can skip gaily to the shops. Ok I limp to the shops, I like the word gaily,but sadly some old words have been requisitioned by one denomination or another. Should I say I manfully stride to the shops concentrating on trucking right, which are words from a 10cc song?

Meanwhile Totoro our cat farts, she is alone so she is the Queen, as you know my kids wanted a pet, so I said they could have a dog if I died, or a cat if I had a heart attack. A few weeks later I had my unplanned quadruple heart bypass, it was supposed to be a triple but I was told 6 months later I had 4 grafts. Hence Quadruple Heart Bypass. So Totoro came to live with us 3 years ago.

Once I hit the shops, I will buy brown bread, we really love it now. And whatever offers I can find in the store, I have to get honey for my honeys too, its good on breakfast cereal they tell me. I use a bit on Kafir my Polish yogurt drink, which is supposed to be good for me. So I have to get ready now, I have to decide which plastic reusable bag I will take with me. I don’t want it to colour clash with my clothing do I? Who knows I may get a trolley in the future, but it will be a manly trolley, or I could get a wicker basket one with a walking stick attached. It will be even harder for me to decide what to bring to the shops with me. Maybe I’ll get a dog and send it to the shops for me?

Well Celine Dion has finished singing in French to me, she keeps on saying she wants Oxygen, so maybe I should put JM Jarre’s Oxygene on for her to listen to. Though it could just be that Totoro our cat has been farting really bad, I’ll go open the windows for Celine.