Frightening the Boyfriend

Frightening the Boyfriend ©

By

Michael Casey

Well to the sound of the vacuum noising upstairs and floating shelves floating along the wall I begin my 2^nd at the kitchen table story. We’ve just had take away from Louise’s which is no long Louise’s in fact its the 3^rd over over 20 years. And yes this owner is from Chinese church and of course knows the wife, who is world famous amongst the Birmingham Chinese community, even if they only saw her once 10 years ago. I am married to the Chinese Marilyn Monroe equivalent, once seen always remembered.

The “boyfriend” is scared of her, and he decided to invite himself to the new place, to see me too. Afterwards he confided in my daughter that he thought I was scary. Moi scary, je protest. As I sharpen my carving knives. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi phoned to offer support and advice. Just sharpen your knives is what they suggested. Only we still only have plastic cutlery in the house as we are slow moving, not Dday moving into gthe new place. But the Cousins gave good advice, so as the boyfriend arrived I looked up from the kitchen table, my knives, my plastic knives scattered all about me.

Yes, I said with my best Jack Nicholson from The Shining look, this threw the boyfriend, as intended. My daughter just hid her smile, she knew this would happen. I’m he began but I halted him before he could reveal his name, I know who you are and I know what you are and I know what you want. The boy nervously played with his hair, like a K-Pop star. You want to be a Dentist, the boy flashed his smile, a smile full of braces, if he wants to be a Dentist he’d have to look the part. Perfect Teeth.

He was relieved, that was intended so I could take him while he thought he was on safe ground. I whittled away at my plastic knives. I ignored him again, I wanted to see had he a sense of humour, dark humour certainly but if he wanted any connection to us, then he’d need a sense of humour.

My daughter suppressed a laugh and started to hop from one leg to another, as if desperate for a pee. Then she dashed away, she really did need a pee. The boyfriend was all alone with me, fear gripped his face, he preen his hair, he really was auditioning for a K-Pop band, would K-Pop save the the world, or just his braced teeth world. Dentist to K-Pop stars, now that would be an Ultra Bright future.

My daughter reappeared laughing as only a Chinese-Irish girl can do, can do, and will do. And yes the Dos are are Chinese cousins too. The Dentist was confused, he wanted to run, he wanted to hide. But there is no hiding place in our kitchen, especially if I want the toilet. You are so stupid my daughter laughed. I thought he was going to kill me replied the boyfriend, as he stood head bowed as he nervously, but still preening his K-Pop hair.

WE like films, I explained, and then I told him of Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s advice and of The Shining. The boyfriend then explained he’d never heard of The Shining. I groaned, I bet he’s never heard of Barry Norman either. Barry, now I know about him, he’s the Political Journalist on the BBC Dateline BBC show. Now he is very good. But then we had something in common, I liked the Dateline BBC London show too. And Barry and the crew of International journalists.

So the Dentist now preened his hair confidently, so I jumped up and the floor moved and I sung Gangham Style without any warning. Again my daughter ran for the toilet. I had to test the boyfriend’s sense of the surreal. He finally got it and grabbed a hairbrush and sung not like a K-Pop star, but like Elvis, but one now covered with my Dandruff.

My daughter reappeared, she’d escort the dandruff covered Elvis to the chip shop. The boyfriend almost smiled, I stopped him and said, in films they say if you hurt my daughter I’ll kill you. I gave him my best, my very best Jack Nicholson stare from the Shining. I held out a plastic knife he flinched, it’s for your chips, I explained. But inwardly the maker had been put down, nobody hurts my Princess.

Then Lech, Boris and Gregorgi laughed from behind the living room curtain, those Slavs wanted to see the Dad Show, so they had sneaked in after making vodka in the woods. To the Dentist, welcome to the Family.