IN FULL The Return of Darth the Once Mighty

 In FULL

The Return of Darth the Once Mighty ©

By Michael Casey

Now as I’ve mentioned Darth is a Warrior with a capital W. Well that’s almost true, apart from his weaknesses, mainly Mead, or Beer in today’s parlance. Darth is from Viking times, but he would not listen to anybody, Vikings are a bit like that, so he ended up sailing off the end of the world. The earth is flat after all. Darth screamed, may the gods help me, but they did not, but God did help him.

So, Darth found himself in 1987 alive and in pencil, on a dogeared piece of paper all bound with a shoe lace. Imagine the indignity of it all. Though he did discover that 1987 beer was ok, never as good as Mead, but he could not complain. Darth met the lads from StatsMR computer room and they super glued a red read/write ring to his left ear lobe, and for balance a blue read/write ring to his right ear lobe. They told him he looked so good, and Darth slurred one day Michael Casey will be a famous writer, but the lads just laughed and got another round in. Though Mark Alder drew a cartoon of Michael Casey in the style of William Shakespeare, as he was a comedian.

Now Darth did have a companion, a dwarf a very big dwarf, more like a Michelin Man size dwarf, who drank and belched and farted, but in tune to anything playing on the Jukebox in the Horse Trader bar. Falstaff was so talented that way, though when Falstaff drunk too much, more that 25 pints and 14 packets of crisps and 7 bags of scratchings something horrible happened. No not that. Falstaff would turn Plastic, just like a giant piece of garden furniture. So, the lads had to keep count, or plastic would happen.

So, as it was closing time the lads all scattered, the weekend beckoned, Darth was left to carry a plastic Falstaff away, if he could survive the subway near the small brook, it was said to be dangerous, the lads did warn him to watch out. But Fate came a calling, some other lads out for a weekend of 1987 drinking and wenching saw Darth in Viking gear carrying a giant plastic dwarf on his back, so naturally they laughed and mocked him in the subway next to the Asian food store. Debbie was there and she witnessed what happened and told the Statsy boys on the Monday. The yobs, let’s give them their true name, the yobs mocked Darth and his plastic Falstaff dwarf, it was too much for any Viking to accept. So, Darth dropped the plastic Falstaff and started singing Michael Bolton songs, he was very drunk after all. The yobs laughed and jostled him, Darth was outnumbered but on he sung, Can I Touch You there, Michael Bolton came to the rescue, then plastic Falstaff awoke farting and belching in time to Michael Bolton’s Can I touch You there. A dwarf fart is a mighty weapon, and the yobs were vanquished. Debbie smiled she recognised the read/write rings, and then as Darth outstretched his hand to help Falstaff off the floor, there was a flash, no not because of fart and cigarette combined, though Paul Flash might remember a story about that. No, it was the space time continuum, Darth disappeared into space and time, taking his dwarf friend Falstaff with him.

So, since 1987 Darth and his plastic dwarf friend Falstaff have been in the ether, waiting just waiting for the gods to call him back. Now it’s 2020 and the clock is ticking, the clock is ticking, I just changed the battery, maybe I should change it more often than every 33 years. My clock has chimed, and through the clouds Darth is falling to earth, not a spaceman, but a Viking and a Dwarf, not even a  Red Dwarf, just a grubby beer stained dwarf called Falstaff. May the gods help us screams Darth, again the gods do nothing, but God is listening. Darth and Falstaff fall through the roof of Saint Mary’s where thieves had stolen some lead and there was enough space for a Viking riding and gliding down through the sky sat on a plastic dwarf could fall. Splash landing, Darth and Falstaff land in the Baptismal font. They would get zero for technical merit, but 10 for level of difficulty if this were the Tokyo Olympics diving competition.

After all these years Darth was thirsty so he drunk the Baptismal Font dry as Falstaff awoke and wondered where the nearest pub might be. Climbing out the font, Darth spied the vicar, Quasimodo, it was not her real name but some bright spark had christened her that when she was spotted ringing the church bells, when she had first arrived.

Now the gods may have not listened to Darth, but God had been listening to Quasimodo over and over and over again, she was plain, but she had a heart of gold, if only she could find a man and have a child, one would be enough, somebody to love and be loved by. But who would have her? Darth was a strapping big man, so big he could be Ukrainian, though Darth did explain he was a Viking. Was God playing tricks on her, or was the altar wine too strong. She prayed for a man, and now there were two, both falling through the hole in the roof, she thought they were lead stealers at first, but she could tell they were not. She had done English and History at Queens before getting the call, the vocation, come follow me.

Quasimodo, was a great priest, she spent all her time reading, and not because she as so plain and nobody would ever want her. She was just so terrible shy too. God looked on, he had answered her prayers, twice over, now she could not make her mind up. So Quasimodo did what any girl would do, she rung a friend, she rung Fatima her friend from the Fence company down the road. Fatima was always kind, some thought to kind, she may build fences having inherited her dad’s Fence company, but she was a chatterbox. It’s always the case, opposites attract. Some cruel people in fact said the pair of them were too close, if you know what I mean, some people are so cruel and gossip hurts, really hurts deeply. But they were thankful for the friendship between them, and Quasimodo was great at getting splinters out after Fatima had had a busy day. Quasimodo was seen kissing Fatima’s finger after she extracted a really bad splinter, and you can guess the rest.

Fatima came running, Falstaff smiled and moved forward, so obviously Fatima punched him hard and followed up with a kick to his groin, a girl had to know how to defend herself after all. Quasimodo put herself between Fatima and Darth, as she was about to be hit next, in doing so Quasimodo fell over and would have banged her head on the font, but Darth caught her. He looked into her eyes, and it was love at first sight, she had literally fallen for him. Meanwhile Fatima realised violence was not called for and held out her hand and lifted Falstaff from the floor. Falstaff was still rubbing himself with one hand, Fatima laughed. As she laughed Falstaff realised, she was more beautiful that a table full of ale and 24 packets of Walkers cheese and onion crisps. Yes again, love at first sight.

God works in mysterious ways said Quasimodo and Fatima agreed, no need of fences any more. All four of them sat, and Falstaff began to sing, he knew all the Abba back list. That’s how they spent the evening singing Abba songs, sat next to the font. Quasimodo had an idea, if they held a concert they could raise funds to repair the hole in the church roof.  Abba sung by Norsemen, such a simple idea, so it was decided. Now how could Qausimodo and Fatima accept such strange events? Well old Mrs Houseman had said before she died that as soon as she got to Heaven, she’d find two strapping men for them, and then nobody would ever call them Lesbians again. She was always very direct Mrs Houseman, she’d even said she’d throw them through that hole in the church roof. So it must be the work of God, so obvious Quasimodo believed, she was a vicar after all.

The concert arrived and Falstaff and Darth were ready, the posters showed them, they were posted everywhere up the street. Women thought they were male strippers and obviously they came in force. Men thought they were WWW wrestlers so they came too. So some were disappointed by what they saw in the church hall. But ABBA  are universal, the local lesbians came too, because the believed the rumours about the vicar, so wanted to show solidarity. When Darth sung with Falstaff joining in all were amazed, and even more amazed when the vicar Quasimodo appeared in silver spangled hot pants, Fatima matched her with the same costume. And yes they were great singers too. David had come along too to play the organ, David was world famous in the area for his organ playing. All in all a wonderful night. Lots of money collected to fix the church roof, just left in the collection baskets.

David’s bald patch glistened, Quasimodo and Fatima kissed his bald patch and David went red, he was so embarrassed, Fran his wife laughed. Everything was so perfect, David and Fran would cycle home on their tandem laughing. But somebody else was laughing all the way to the bank, Quasimodo had raised enough for a new roof as they raised the roof with Abba music. However is always lurking. Lewis the local bad boy knew this was his chance, he’d steal the money, and be off to Paris, he always wanted to go to Paris. Now with the roof money he could go with his Honey.

After the concert Quasimodo kissed Darth, and Fatima kissed Falstaff. Then the girls proved they were no lesbians, the local lesbians saw the kissing as the crowd filtered home. They weren’t sad, at least Quasimodo and Fatima had somebody strong to lean on, and there was a lot of leaning going on.

Now in the night Lewis climbed down from the roof dressed as an angel and attempted to steal the money. Darth caught him and Falstaff awoke from their position in the choir loft to find Darth strangling the angel. In fact the whole world saw this as Quasimodo had a camera for online church services. Quasimodo and Fatima came running in their nighties, as Fatima had stopped over, as she’d had too much church wine as part of the roof raising celebrations and could not drive. Quasimodo’s nightie got caught on a candlestick, and in the gloom the whole world saw an unfrocked vicar. Darth decided in a nanosecond he’d marry her. As for Fatima, she had layers or fences around her, but Falstaff knew she was the one for him. As for Lewis the angel, he was strung up like a Christmas fairy and suspended by the bell rope, he was left there for the Police in the morning.

Darth asked Quasimodo to marry him and have a small family, 8 children was considered small in Viking terms. Of course Quasimodo said yes, you can ring my bell is what she said, as she began to sing the song. What of Falstaff and Fatima, or double FF as the couple were known. Well they only had 4 pregnancies but each was of twins, hence their nickname, double FF, which represents Fatima and Falstaff. And Falstaff never turned plastic again.