The Newspaper That is Your LIfe

The Newspaper That is Your Life ©

By Michael Casey

Ok, it really does sound the most pretentious of all titles, I was waiting for the Sky Press preview to start and I hadn’t thought of a topic to talk about to you tonight, then it came to me 5 mins ago. The Newspaper That is Your Life came to me, so this is what I’ll try and talk about, I’ve just realised this is the Just a Minute school of writing. If you Google Just a Minute and find some to listen to then you really are in for a treat. Whether or not what I write tonight is a treat you can tell me at the end.

So what are your headlines? Michael is seen partying the night away, here he is looking drunk and dishevelled, in fact some might say that is my normal look till I’ve had my breakfast and morning heart meds. Stop press we can announce that Michael hung out all the washing yesterday, only he forgot to bring it in before Storm David struck. So his neighbours have a large collection of saggy bottomed drawers and faded clothes, too worn out even for the Charity Shop. In the old days you dried your washing on the bushes, now Michael Casey’s washing is on the roofs and  sheds not to mention the dirt of flower beds.

What would be your biggest headlines? Meeting the girl of your dreams, or getting the prettiest girl in the office to go out with you. Was it because you both got drunk at the office party, and she got pregnant, so she ended up marrying you. Or was it because you really were a nice guy, despite your dandruff and bad breath. You were there to listen to her when her mum died, you were that shoulder to cry on. And no you didn’t take advantage of her, quiet the reverse, and that made her love you all the more. She did insist that you used Head and Shoulders shampoo, and you always had 2 boxes of tic-tacs in your pocket. But then you really fell in love and on the anniversary of her mum’s death you got engaged.

Simple Silly things are the Headlines of our lives. Like finally getting the right medication that will change your life, or getting contacts and a decent haircut. There are turning points in our lives, which we will mark with banner headlines in the Newspaper That is Our Life. Hearing from your wife that she is pregnant when you both thought she could not have a child. Crying with joy in the computer room where you were working when she told you the news. Your workmates being embarrassed but you were so happy, you wanted to look to the very stars and SCREAM. You can imagine the photo and the Caption Michael Casey will be a DAD.

There are sad times too, where you want to screw the Newspaper that is Your Life into a ball and throw it into the fire, or tear it into a thousand pieces. When you cry and all the ink runs off the pages and turns your hands black. You just wish Newspapers did not exist. I’ve been down that road several times, and that explains when I try and stick to Comedy to Humour, because it hides the pain, and deflects the sadness away. Then the Newspaper that is my life is turned into a cartoon, into a stupidity, into a joke, till even I cannot remember what made me cry before.

And on it goes, little things and silly things, big images and small images, and the images that matter, until finally our grave, the final image, the final headline. But if you ever come to my grave in the far distant future, if you do bend down and listen then you may hear me laughing. What a fool coming to my grave, he should have gone to the pub, not unless I get my final wish, to be buried in a pub. A place of merriment and laughter.

Food Bargains

Food Bargains ©

By Michael Casey

It’s been a busy day for me today, I took a peek at another house, I think it’ll be a No, not unless they drop the price bigtime, and then the wife decides she likes it. I also had to take my big daughter to the Optician to pick up her new glasses, pair plus spare. So I was out a couple of times, and did a fair bit of walking. 

Sadly the days when I could walk 5 miles at the drop of a hat are over, if you are metric 5 miles equals 8 kilometres. I used to walk up to 20 miles and more a week when I was working in the hotel. Sadly these past few years have slowed me down. I am still alive thanks to the surgeons but I am not as good as I used to be prior to surgery, Don Camillo my local priest said that at our age its 3 years not 3 months before you get back to normal. That’s without Arthur my arthritis and my cKd adding to my tiredness.

Apart from that I can sit and write and read the Press to my heart’s content, the ability to write is my saviour. I still feel 20 in my head and in my outlook though my birth certificate says I’m older and my pain says I’m older still. But pain does not rule me, I am a bridegroom eager for the night ahead, on a page, on my bed of words.

Now what I really want to talk to you about tonight is Food Bargains, and how did this idea come to the fore today? Because after me and my  daughter picked up her new glasses, she now looks like a female John Denver, I asked her what she fancied for food today. Which led us to the Coop and its buy 5 items for a fiver, instead a tenner. I don’t always go to Aldi, though it is my spiritual home. Part of my therapy as I joked to the checkout boy today.

Now Politicians say offers in supermarkets can be bad, but speaking as somebody who lives on a tight budget I say all offers are good. When I finally get my major media deal I’ll shop in Sainsbury’s and Waitrose, but until then I’m an Aldi boy, yes boy, I am so young in spirit. You are so cruel laughing at me through your computer screens, if I could reach out and spill your energy drinks then I would.

Offers allow us poor people to survive or have a few special treats at low cost. Rising prices for social policy reasons penalises the poor. So leave we the poor alone.

Now you wouldn’t expect me just to make that point without seeing the flip side, so I’ll continue with the flip side.

Well you are having Creamy Creamy Ice Cream tonight. Why what do you want? I just love you so much. Did you scratch the car again, I told you to watch the neighbour’s garden fence, it’s more like something from the Somme. No I just love you, have a double helping. What are you after? Do you want my body again, it’s been 4 times this week already. Yes eat your ice cream then take your clothes off. Why can’t you get another model for your Medical Textbook photographer work. They need somebody your age, besides if you are really good, I may, I may… Put the central heating on.

You are getting sausages and peas tonight, you know you love to pee, or rather eat peas. It was on special offer. Then you can have some onion rings too, you know how you like them. Then you can get your clothes off, I need a few more photos for the Medical Textbook. If you are good I have some funny fish faces too. What you don’t like the funny fish faces, because they upset your faeces. Have a double portion of peas instead, then get your kit off.

This Young’s fish is really nice, especially if you grill it, and the peas are nice too, with a dab of low calorie marg melted in them. I don’t know what the marg is made of, but it must be good, its 60% less saturated fat than butter. What does saturated fat mean, I don’t know either. These bargains really are sogood. 

Why do we always get peas and ice cream with every offer. It’s like school Christmas school dinners. Have a cuppa to warm you up, in fact have too. This PG tips was on offer too, and you get a free monkey carrier bag, made from plastic something or another. Have you finished your tea? Good now get your kit off, I have 10 more close ups to take for the urinary care project, it’s so good I married you, it would be embarrassing to photo a naked man I wasn’t married to.

I’ve got you some Pasta today, yes there will be peas too. I have some apple strudel too, and a new mug to drink your tea from. I bought it the charity shop, its new, but it was in the charity shop. Yes two mugs of tea then can you get naked. I have to take photos for the colon examination feature, and I may take photos for the circumcision. No stop crossing your legs, see I’ve put the knife down. I was only going to butter my crumpet.  Come here have a nibble of my crumpet, then stand on the kitchen table while I take the photos for the Birmingham Medical Report.

I got a nice joint for us tonight, a joint of meat. I don’t take photos of the misuse of substances, that’s my twin sister Jane. Yes we’ll be having peas and onion rings with it, and sweet corn. We never got around to finished all the onion rings and peas and sweet corns that come with the offers so I thought we finish them off tonight before the reach the Use By date.

No you can keep your clothes on tonight, I thought you could have a night off. What you want me to take all my clothes off, why. Just for fun, a striptease as a reward for all the male medical model work you have done for me. Ok, that’s fair. Then afterwards you want me to lie naked on the kitchen table. Why? 

Because we still have to finish all the ice creams that came with the offers. Forget Samantha and Sex and the City, this will be Ice Cream Delights on a Birmingham Kitchen table, you can all do this at home, just make sure you take advantage of supermarket offers first.

THe Final Hurdle

The Final Hurdle?

By Michael Casey

Well I hear there is space on Fox News, so why not have a Post Card from Birmingham? Letter from America ran for 50 years, so why not a Postcard from Birmingham, a 10year contract would be enough. A 15min programme once a week, or even once a month, the 15min show would actually last 30 mins if you add on the adverts. Just so long as I finish a sentence before the ads cut it, then they could put the Ad free version on the company website.

What would I talk about? Well after 1,047,497 words so far over 30 years I’m sure I’d think of something, or I could just sit in a chair and read some of my 1000 stories out. I remember John Hurt in Frank Oz’s The Storyteller over 30 years ago, perhaps I could be him, no need for makeup I’m ugly enough already.

Would a Posh Birmingham England accent be good enough for an American audience, you can listen to my voice at www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com and there is a snippet of video on my Amazon writers page along with my 13 books. Yes this is me being Shameless, it is in effect my audition, I just hope I pass.

Strange things do happen though, such as today somebody in Singapore reading a piece I translated into Korean on my alternative Wordpress site. Though it could be somebody from the North Korean embassy. I did get 21,000 Polish readers previously too, so my Comedy or shall I say Humour writing does transcend Borders.  Though if the Scottish get their way The Borders will be Independent.

All this is side-tracking me away from what I was going to talk about. The Final Hurdle, which can be death, or it can be the thing that swings it for you when you buy a house, or get that dream job, or get the girl of your dreams. So what exactly is a final hurdle, it’s the final straw that breaks a camel’s back.

You put up with so much then one day when you’ve been on the pop, that means been out drinking heavily, and you really do need to brush your teeth in the morning you stagger to the bathroom only to discover that bastard boyfriend or girlfriend or mistress has squeezed the toothpaste in the middle AGAIN.

This irritates you so much, you storm back into the bedroom and say, my boyfriend never does that, you let the cat out of the bag because you are so angry. So all is revealed, well you are naked already, but now your girlfriend knows you are cheating on her and with a man. So she kicks you out and you have to go live with your boyfriend in a flat above a taxi booking office. Which means you are never late for work again as you get free taxis, but really your girlfriend’s 5 bedroomed house was so much better, if only you bit your lip about the toothpaste.

When you are looking for a house a home, a 5 bedroomed detached house would be great but Rupert Murdoch himself would have to be your new boss at Fox for that to happen. So instead you have to compromise, and for some it was because you compromised your girlfriend that you need a place of your own. If you use superglue as contraception none of this would happen. You superglue your bedroom door shut, or superglue the zip on his jeans. Then you’ll only have babies when you are ready.

As you look for a house there are so many things that must be on your tick list, price or the bank of mum and dad is the first one. You want to live close to your family but not so close they can hear your passion, or screams when you are watching Manchester United. We actually stumbled over a house for sale right next door to my brother’s last week.

Sadly Timing is important. Our daughter needs to attend her current school for 3 more years, it is in the top 1% in the entire country. Just by coincidence we happen to live near it. So as nice as the house next door to my brother’s is, today it’s just too far away from the school. A home has to be near a corner shop too, if you live near a corner shop even though country living is great, a long walk to a shop is too much, especially for me post quadruple heart bypass and with add on side order of Arthur my arthritis.

There are hurdles galore when you are house hunting, such as size of rooms and kitchen size. You will never guess what’s the biggest hurdle for us in our house hunting quest. Can you guess? You all owe me a pint of Stella Artois if you cannot. It’s the SUN. No I’m not a Page 3 photographer who takes pictures of naked girls, no it’s not that. Nor has Rupert Murdoch given me column in the paper either, it’s the top seller in England by the way, he’d only give me a one inch column anyway, just enough room for my hyperlink in his papers.

No, when I mean sun I mean SUN, the thing in the sky, we get loads of sun where we live, so when we look at houses we switch off any lamps in any houses we are looking at.  If we are not drenched in loads of natural sunshine then the house is rubbish. We’ve seen some really nice houses but if they are dark we just could not live ether. That is the final hurdle for us, THE LIGHT. In China South Facing apartments sell for much more, and remember my wife is Chinese too, so the Light is a major selling point.

So that’s all the hurdles I want to talk about tonight, though I’ll end on some philosophy, the greatest hurdle we all have in life is ourselves, and it’s when we have a good rhythm and don’t knock those hurdles down that’s when we have a smoother life. But speaking from my own life experience it’s when you get up from the floor with all the hurdles scattered all around you, that is when you find your inner strength, and if you are lucky you have friends and family who cheer you on, but truly the answer my friends is not blowing in the wind, its within you.

 #

Getting Ready for a Wedding ©

https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC

Getting Ready for a Weddng

Getting Ready for a Wedding ©

By Michael Casey

They say that Marriage is marriage to a person and marriage to his or her people, well that’s what they say here in Old Forge and Singing Anvil. My friend Tina is getting ready for her “marriage” so I’m having to give her a bit of advice and pep her up. Big Dave who’s big in the community is also giving a bit of help too, what he doesn’t know about Fashion isn’t worth knowing, yes he always wear a Kaftan himself, but that’s because he broke 5 gastric bands.

Crunchie bars were his downfall, and living right next door to the best chip shop in Old Forge and Singing Anvil.

 He did in fact marry the girl from the chip shop, she was always frying and he was always looking across the counter waiting to be served. In the end she served herself and he was well and truly salted and vinegared and wrapped up in grease proof paper. It was a perfect relationship.

But I’m getting off the subject, we have to dress Tina ready for her wedding night and explain what is expected once she is all alone with her intended. We’ve got some nice shoes lined up, we managed to hide her beloved wellies, she’s always going on walks and wellies and her old blue anorak were her favourites. 

But for her wedding she’s borrowed a pair of red high heels, Derek the cross dresser said she could have them for the night. Then Mary from the Dairy said she could have a garter, never been used, though she had high hopes, but Gordon ran off to the Highlands, and it turned out not to be just a fling. So the Garter was just gathering dust.

Now Tina needs a bit of conversation before they go at it hammer and tongs. It may hurt a little at first but once you get into the swing of things you’ll enjoy it and time will fly and you’ll leave him exhausted in a heap. He’ll look like a broken old man with a dazed expression on his face.

Now I should explain what I’m really taking about. Today the Election Starting Gun was Fired here in England and the UK. So Tina, or There IS No Alternative, who sounded like Mrs Thatcher in 1979 if you remember then, Theresa May is getting ready for the forthcoming fight. It’s a bit like getting ready for a wedding, you have to make a good impression, not just on your intended, but on the whole congregation and everybody at the reception afterwards. Then there are speeches, and finally you are all alone in the bedroom.

You may want to open all the presents before you undress each other, then love grows where my Rosemary goes so to speak. Or in Politics she will call him a tramp and a Worzel Gummidge and he will call her a Vicar’s Daughter which is not an insult or a metaphor, though it does sound extremely rude, because she really is a vicar’s daughter. 

She’ll give him a Hymn to sing, and that may even be a Carol, which really is a really filthy thing to say if you are a Vicar’s daughter. She will give him chapter and verse from the Old Testament, and finish him off with a bit of Vespers, her dad taught her well after all. Tina, I won’t always be here to defend my little baby, so he had her do a course of bell ringing, and if any man ever tried anything, she would really sort him and his ding a ling, he could go and chuck his berry.

As for Jezza in the bedroom, which really is a metaphor for the tv studio where Dimbleby and that really is a nasty nasty thing to meet, you have a course of ointment and 3 injections after you have a Dimbleby, anyway Jezza may be first but Tina will be second to be grilled. Grilling is nothing to do with cooking so Jezza will have to be ready. I hear talk that Gillette will donate millions if Jezza shaves and Moss Bros will donates millions if he wears a suit. Only Jezza got the wrong end of the stick, Gillette will donate Minions to GOSH for Children if he shaves. And Moss Bros would match Gillette Minions for Minions if he wore their suit.

Tina, or Mrs May, though she prefers being called Tina in Cabinet is ready for anybody, she’s going to wear Big Dave’s Kaftan even if it smells a bit of fish, and she’s borrowed some steel toe-capped shoes from her personal protection officer. Dimbleby is in for a kicking, and as for Paxo she’ll stuff him too, and he better watch his canticles, vicar’s daughters are dangerous.

I could go on but I have to shave Jeza before the election campaign starts, he was in Birmingham today after all. If he remembers to change bus at the Locomotion Engine and then again at the Cock Inn, then he may have a Hope, but he has to change buses at the Cape of Good Hope too. Then if he’s remember to bring his Brut shaving cream I can shave him ready for the Election.

And what do I think of all this election stuff, well in Chapter 9 of my novel The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker I have a version of an election Marriage to a Person, Marriage to a People. This is far funnier that the real thing, other than that Elections are a Load of Old Ballots.  

 https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC  

Surreal Conversations

Surreal Conversations ©

By Michael Casey

I’ve just had a surreal conversation, I have them all the time, they are fun, it’s a bonding thing that me and one of my brothers have. If you were listening it would sound very Left of Field, so Left of Field you’d be scratching your head. But between brothers, it’s just normal, we start at A and go to B and then C or even D, then he’ll throw in a curve ball, or even a letter from the Cyrillic alphabet, so I reply with a Chemical equation, so he’ll answer with an Undertaker’s reference, we have Undertaker friends after all.

There are over 50 years of references and connotations and then there is the plain daft, and a memory about dad looking like a Russian soldier wearing the old coat my brother gave him, and how he frightened the Black Lady to death when he let loose with an almighty fart one winter’s night as he came home from work. She thought it was a bomb and could have died on the steps of the undertakers’ such was her fright.

Normal family memories, doesn’t every family have them. We may reference something from 20 years ago and sub-reference something on Star Trek. Dennis has such fancy phones, I’m sure he stole them from Captain Kirk, yeah, but Dennis would have to visit Dr. McCoy, he always has Klingons on his starboard bow, his “girlfriend” is such a dirty dirty girl.

So on it goes backward and forward, we’ll mention a Carry On film or something from a Classic Radio 4 Comedy, Hello I’m Julian, and I’m Sandy, WE are Bona Hairdressers, I’d love to do your highlights, just let me throw my dust sheet over you. Filth absolute Filth but at the time the BBC just hadn’t got a clue, I’m Sorry I haven’t Got a Clue is another BBC show but I never watch or listen to it, so I cannot possibly comment. You would say that wouldn’t you, are you a Politician? Take that back, call me an amoral animal, or even an Estate Agent, but calling me a Politician, you take that back or I’ll TRUMP you.

We both start laughing, Nurse, Nurse, where’s his injection, SLAP, I give the injections not you, what kind of Nurse do you think I am? Not the kind I want. SLAP. In actual fact a BBC Radio show got into trouble for Sexist Behaviour towards Samantha, who was the butt of innuendo and all manner of laddish behaviour. The only trouble being Samantha did not even exist, she was a device, not working in Vice, she was not a bad girl like that. It, or She was a comic Device, a tool for fools to make us all laugh.

I should at this point mention Battered Husband a short play of mine was called sexist by a small theatre company about 30 years ago. They missed the point, I was sending the whole thing up. And as for the BBC they banned piece of mine from a website of their because the tag line was “And just send me 10 dollars”, it was from Internet Story which is on my website somewhere. And why did Auntie BBC ban it? Because it solicited money.

So if you feel my Surreal Conversations are Left of Field just think of the BBC’s own logic and despair. Though if anybody wants to buy me a house then.

 http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-59043865.html

I would of course sign a deal to publish all my books and put my stories on the Radio, once terms were finalised. But maybe this piece will be banned too.

I may just emigrate to North Korea, but that would drive  their Mr Kim to Suicide. How surreal would that be?

Readers Far and Wide

Readers Far and Wide ©

By Michael Casey

As you all know I have readers in many places, some Far Flung. Today I have readers in USA and Russia with Germany in the middle, I have readers in over 20 countries. Poland exploded in March when I added Polish translations to my site, Poland had 21,700 readers all told, they are on Easter holidays now so their numbers have dropped off.

So what am I to do, add Translations all the time which will no doubt irritate the English only speakers? It’s very nice to discover people all over the place are reading my stuff, Canada returned and Mexico popped up the other day. We are an International family after all as we all married foreigners, so perhaps it is in the DNA and that’s why everybody everywhere likes my stories.

According to the counter I have gone through the 1100 stories mark, this includes the recent translations and a few back to “impress” pieces. Sadly all this has NOT translated into a publishing deal and a radio deal nor a Learn English via Humour deal, nor any money, well not yet.

The irony is that your Life leads you to where you are, Padre Pio and Me will explain a lot as will the other 1100 pieces, which can be read if you buy my very cheap ebooks https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC

I used to listen to Short Wave Radio, lots of foreign broadcasts in English, teaching Esol English, having a Shanghai wife and so being assimilated into the Chinese community, coming up to 20 years now.

Having an interest in International News, all these things give you a wider view on life. As does decades of lodgers, mainly alcoholic. Years spent talking to your dad, before and after his major heart attack.

I could do on, but basically a rolling stone may not gather any moss but it will travel and you will pick up things. Only a dullard will stay the same. Having said that I do know of one person who went travelling around the world and did come back unchanged. So what was the point?

It’s nice to check on Blogger or on my Wordpress site and see that the numbers are good in all points of the compass, though I never know why this piece or that piece is more liked than others. In Search of an Indian Princess is the climax of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker my comedy/drama novel, I got thousands of viewers for that alone in just a couple of weeks all by word of mouth, so publishers out there should read it. I did have a film pitch for it a few years ago, sadly close but no cigar.

It’s like a transport café that had Michelin star cooks working for it, this is in fact one idea that is in the book, maybe my writing is like that, rough on the outside but exquisite on the inside. A badly wrapped Faberge egg, it is Good Friday today after all.

I’ll finish for now and Thank You all for reading my stuff, I’d love you more if you actually bought a few ebooks, but it’s the curse of the Internet, everything is Free, so why should we pay Michael Casey, he is just the fat silver haired writer from Birmingham in the shades.

Glasses a new Vision

Glasses a new Vision ©

By Michael Casey

Yesterday my big daughter had her eyes tested, and it would have been easy to take that as a theme, or even sing a song about it. I decided not to then but today I’ll see what’s in the soup on that topic. As you know all Life started in the Soup, so all our experiences are a soup, it’s what makes us, and that’s where my stories come from.

So what do I know about glasses? Well my eldest brother used to have gold framed octagonal glasses and a kind of afro with flared trousers or maybe jeans. It was the end of the 1960s and he was a queen, sorry I mean at Queens, Oxford. Yes, there is even a photo of him somewhere, maybe it’ll come to light when his kids marry, here’s the father of the brides etc.

Then when I started to read, out of fear of Mr Gallagher, who was a fierce man and used to drink with my father, I was discovered to have a lazy eye, at first they waited and then finally I had to have glasses. I can remember my mother mentioned the Queen, or rather Queens and Oxford to the optician while I was having my eyes tested in Newhall Street in Birmingham city centre. This was before optical stores as they call themselves littered the high street, it was 50 years ago after all.

There was a thing called the Miracle Dot, a plastic circle, like a wheel clamp with cleaning lotion inside, you put the lens, and nobody used that word back then, in the centre and squeezed from both sides. Then you used your handkerchief to clean your glasses, and everybody called them glasses, only an optician said spectacles.

A few years later I upgraded to gold framed glasses, but not octagonal, I was not a hippy after all, I was a grammar school boy, Casey Minimus, though my size was maximus. God Bless Mr Hanney our Latin and Spanish teacher, he could really roll his Rs.  5 feet tall and always in his gown, just like Little Caesar, which was his nickname.

Girls wear glasses too, but they must be nice, or removed if any decent boy is within 100yards. Then you have long sighted and short sighted. So if we are looking at something my sister or daughter will hold it against their nose whereas I will hold it at arms’ length at the end of a selfie stick. So it is funny to watch if you are a casual observer.

Which brings me back to story-telling it’s all about observation and seeing things close up and far away, and telling the difference and mixing and matching too. You must have seen that metaphor coming, or have you forgotten to put your contacts in? People are generally switched off, or only have eyes for you, the you being their mobile or tablet. You have to lift your eyes from the gutter and aim for the stars, if I can misquote Oscar Wilde.

Seeing is more than looking in the direction of, or looking without listening, Listening is part of seeing, though Seeing without Listening makes for lack of clarity if I can try your patience. It’s all about being switched on, and really turned on. I’ll disappoint you by not following the path of the metaphor you now have in your head. But I have got your attention, and that’s what seeing is all about. 

So I’ll finish now leaving you begging for more, as any writer or exotic dancer would. 

An Ordinary day in the Casey Household

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

An Ordinary day in the Casey Household

An Ordinary Day in the Casey Household ©

By Michael Casey

I was having some Green Tea at 5am, no I’m not an early riser, more like pain was annoying me, so I decided I may as well get up. I was enjoying my ta in the kitchen when I caught a blur of white in my peripheral vision, a bit frightening at first. It was just Totoro our cat, she had slunk out at Midnight and was now returning at 5am, the dirty dirty bitch, though I may be misjudging her morals. But a pretty girl who cannot get pregnant may be tempted to be a cat on a hot tin roof.

So I let Totoro in an went on the computer to read Press, then after an hour with the pain lessening I went to bed, though I did get the wife up first, I am an alarm clock. Writing stories and being an alarm clock is my role now.

My small daughter got some new clothes in the post, our street must be the biggest supporter of White Van Man in Birmingham, the amount of transits dropping off parcels and so on is very high. Its less boring for dads too, you just look at a screen and together you pick what you want, then you ring in your order. Clothes Takeaway, the modern way to shop.

My other daughter managed to break the family laptop so I spent hours trying to fit it. My conclusion was that Totoro the cat had walked or sat on the keyboard and managed to delete something, no wonder she goes out at night to drown her sorrows. I get blamed for everything, calling me a dirty bitch, I’m a cat a cat with a Japanese name what do those humans think I should do? 

Totoro then curses in Chinese, just so I cannot understand her. She comes in the door and then lets herself out of an open window. She’s just like a teenager.

The girls eat all the Italian pasta I got them especially, I don’t even get the slops. So I have scrambled eggs made in the microwave, they are Polish eggs with toast made from Polish bread. The yolk is so yellow in Polish eggs, just like a yellow from a Yellow Submarine.

I’m getting tired now, in the story and now 3 hours later, 2 days of pain has worn me out, but the end must be near, Q a fat ugly woman to say The End is Nigh just like in Up Pompeii. My daughter reminds me she has an eye test, so we have to go up the road for her to have her eyes tested. Why can’t a courier take her eyes up to the Optician for her, or why can’t we do it over the Internet?

I sit and wait while the eyes are tested, I resist the temptation to eat the Chocolate Easter Bunny in the corner of the shop. 

Finally my big daughter returns, she has to change her lens, why can’t she borrow the cat’s eyes instead? Then I have to watch as my 15year old tries on all manner of frames, some are just too horrid to mention. Some designer frames only have one design, fleecing you and taking your money. Others are not so bad. Finally to much relief the frames she likes are the lower price range. So I get her to say, Hello I’m Dr. Annie as she tries her new frames. If all goes to plan that’s what she’ll be in less than 10 years’ time.

I pay for 2 new frames, wear and spare as they say. Her current frames are black, just like Michael Caine in Harry Palmer mode, or Joe 90 if you can remember that show. Luckily my bladder has survived the wait so now the highlight of my day, a trip to Aldi. I tell the staff she is my Carer, and obviously they believe me, due to my silver hair and because the Arthritis is making me limp today, I hadn’t shaved either. Then as a treat we go to the Coop as well, that’s where the donuts are, why do girls love donuts?

Once home 4 donuts sink faster than the Titanic, the other 4 I manage to make them save till after Choir Practice. Meanwhile the wife returns laughing, a new employee turns out to be the mother of one of my big daughter’s best friend. Small World as they say. People deny me 3 times, as they order another round of drinks, no cocks crowing. Which reminds me once home I am bursting for the toilet, we have been out an hour.

Now as the gentle rain falls I ring my sister to touch base, she says our brother has had another small win, I laugh and say if I won the lottery I would buy that house around the corner from the one we should have bought. Me too says my sister, we laugh and say our goodbyes.

So this is my ordinary life, today no surreal moments, but it’s not yet 7pm and I do have an imagination, so you better watch out wherever you are. And Mexico I see you reading, if you are Carlos Slim, read more of my words and you will soon get fat. In 1920s Ireland the Priest Banned the song Down Mexico Way for being Immoral. But welcome to you anyway, I do know a little Spanish, so I’ll finish in Spanish, yo hablo espagnol como un burro hablando frances.

Hasta Luego.  Michael

Posted by michaelgcasey at 19:11

Hot Start to Easter Holidays ©

Hot Start to Easter Holidays ©

By Michael Casey

So hot in fact that I just typed the title in and stopped to enjoy the sunshine outside while I sat on the garden wall.  I would have blown some bubbles but my mixture has gone flat and bubbleless. I have found that women’s shampoo makes the best bubbles so tomorrow maybe I’ll  steal some  from the bathroom and make a fresh mixture. Then I can blow bubbles to my heart’s content for Totoro our cat to chase. Speaking of whom, the girls in the house steal my shampoo to wash the cat in, so its balance that I should steal their shampoo so that me and Totoro can have some fun.

Easter is the time for eggs, I always thought the egg represented the stone in front of the tomb, but you need to ask your own priest, or maybe the man in the chocolate shop, Mr Cadbury. My mum used to say if they got an orange at Easter or Christmas they considered themselves lucky. I also seem to remember that she hid things at the back of the pantry.

Tomorrow would have been her Birthday, 97 if she were still alive. So all high days and holidays bring memories of her flooding back. As well as the threat “I’ll give a slap in the puss, or hit you with the wet mop” She never did it I just seem to remember she did say it, even if it was only once, but aimed in my direction, the golden child, ok the family pet.

Easter has lots of Masses and so forth, I never missed all my life, until these past couple of years, Arthritis and post quadruple chest pain is an “excuse” for not attending so often. Though if I offer my pain as prayer, then I think I should be Pope now, or at least a Bishop. It was 6am yesterday/today before I was comfortable enough to sleep, my neighbours think I’m a shift worker judging by the times the light goes on in the kitchen.

Hols are times to avoid doing school work and slinging your school bag to the back of the pantry. Then mum would wonder had Jean our black cat done something at the back of the pantry, and if she had mum would rub her nose in it. Only on this occasion it was just my smelly rugby kit festering for 2 weeks.

Mum had made me a kit bag out of an old pair of bathroom curtains, the curtains may have originally been the cloak that Irish dancers wear when they jig up and down. Recycling at its best, my sisters had been Irish dancers, Ann King was their teacher, so when my sisters stopped the Irish dancing their cloaks became curtains, curtains for the dancing but a new beginning in the bathroom as curtains.

It’s funny what you remember, the man who did the music for the Irish dancing was actually a teacher, he later left teaching to do music full time, he used to live just down the road from where I am now. How you make your daily bread is best if you can enjoy what you are doing, and if it hurts your spirit then change.

A guy I was at grammar school with ended up as an accountant and hated it, I believe he retrained and became a History teacher, if I’m wrong I’m sure he’ll correct me. He remembers me because I made a Whitty Comment, he called it a S**tty  Comment and Mr Ealy the woodwork and PE teacher hit him with the pump for using bad language, about 47 years ago. I’m listening to Bread right now hence the segway into our daily bread.

Easter is food and family, in our case the feeding of the 5,000 all the Caseys and the dog and cat, and at Xmas we fed the lodgers too. I don’t remember feeding lodgers at Easter maybe just a couple of cans of Guinness. What more can I say just enjoy your holidays and time with your kids, soon you will be as old as me, hopefully not as illness prone, and then you’ll see if all the time invested in them is rewarded.

Love and Parentage is all about sacrifice, looking back at the alternative, a life of loneliness and quiet is ok if you like books or records, but the noise and spirit of family cannot be bettered, even if they steal your shampoo to wash the cat in.

Donald Love me best not you

Donald Loves Me Best NOT you (c)
By
Michael Casey

I'm sitting there not you, Donald said I could have the window seat.
I hope you catch a cold that window never closes properly.
I bet you broke it just so I'd catch a cold.
I hope you get double pneumonia or better still triple.
Animal.
Pig.
Hairy animal with pooh stuck to your bum.
I'm telling Donald what you said to me.
Don't care its true, Donald always holds his nose when he talks to you.
You are just jealous I have  the window seat.
Don't care I'm near the heater and the toilets.
You didn't tell me you were near the toilets, you know my problem.
Let's swap back again.
No.
I'll give you my nice chair with the six wheels on and the back rest.
And your Yankees baseball cap.
You know I love my baseball cap.
Is it a trade or is it a trade?
Ok lets swap back, you can be near the window and I can be near the toilets.
Did I tell you the heater was broken, and the toilets  are for transgender only.
You are a sneaky little D.
Don't you dare finish that word or I'll tell Donald you used it.
What sandwiches did you bring?
I'm not sharing with you, you are just a pig, you'll eat everything.
Go on, I thought you wanted to bury the hatchet.
I do, right in your skull.
I'm not going to talk to you any more.
I bet you do.
No I won't.
Don't you want to know where the non transgender toilets are?
Where are they then?
I cannot remember, but if you give me your sandwiches I might be able to remember.
So the sandwiches were handed over.
Where are they then I cannot keep my legs crossed forever.
There are no non transgender  toilets.
What am I supposed to do?
If you were sitting by the window you could pee out the window.
Let's swap back again then.
What will you give me if I swap back with you.
I'll tell Donald if you don't.
Stop Donald is here.
The guy by the window was about to pee  but its too late, he messes on the floor.

Now I'm talking about Donald Duck and Pluto  and Minnie Mouse, who did you think I was talking about? Things can become foul if an office has too much Politics in it.

Organising Your Kids

Organising Your Kids ©

By Michael Casey

Well its Easter hols 2017, one daughter is about to enter Purdah, she’s hitting the books prior to her GCSEs which are the big exams kids take at 16 here in England. She was worried about her Physics as they did a big test and she came home saying she thought she failed, she explained she did not revise. We had spoken before about sacrificing a subject so long as she got the top grades in the subjects she really liked and needed. So I wasn’t bothered, I am not Chinese after all, though she is half Shanghai Chinese. She came home with the school report today and she got an A.

The younger daughter is a comedian, that’s why I say she’ll be the next Julie Walters, the mad Irish lady in some films you see may have seen. She is also very smart, it’s my seeds as I say to my wife, though she says it’s the Shanghai in her not the Kerry Irish background.

Then I say somebody said they’d like to breed with me when I was working at the hotel all those years ago, because our daughters are so pretty too. My final comment is that Japanese and Chinese and even Korean billionairesses would love to have my children. My wife just goes away laughing and goes back to chopping fish heads off on her chopping board.

So you can picture the scene in our house, me the lone male, even the male cat I picked from a cat litter photo turned out to be a female. So Totoro is our bilingual cat, and she does what she likes. In a family you need to organise the family, or rather attempt to.  Can you tidy up is met with I’m studying, I’m too busy to put my own cup and plate in the sink and as for wiping our coffee table, not a chance. Then they debate it for 20 mins, when 50 seconds would have done the job.

Yes we have a small table just like in Japanese homes, we are a Shanghai family after all. As for me I stand and eat in the kitchen leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere, something for Totoro to eat, and if I am accused of making a mess I just blame the cat. Just in case anybody in the family is reading this, I am speaking artistically, would I every leave crumbs and blame the cat, not me, not moi, never.

Children have this ability to untidy anything, it’s as if it’s a bomb, an untidy bomb. Samantha in Bewitched, and I can remember when it first came out on tv when I was in Primary school, I can even remember who the kid was who told me to watch it, I think I was in class 10, maybe 6 years old. I just opened that memory from nowhere, Total Recall for rubbish ask me what I had for breakfast I don’t have a clue. Does this mean I write Nostalgia? Anyways Samantha could wriggle her nose and tidy up things, kids are just the opposite, it’s as if Samantha has had her nose broken by a thug, and everything is in reverse, all is untidy.

I can reveal now that the years are past that I spent years coming in on the nightshift and tidying up before I could get my night shift started. You all know who you are, you all owe me a pint of Stella Artois, though I did get the angel picture on the wall when I left the company after 21years.

One trainer we had said she got fed up of her daughter’s strops and door slamming, so she really did take her bedroom door off the hinges. There are ways of asking and then there is telling, and finally there are forceful ways of making kids do the chores. Hiding the chocolate is the nuclear option, and it works rather well, even the cat can be controlled. Totoro will come running at the sound of plastic wrapping paper being opened as she thinks she’ll get some chicken, and as she is a writer’s cat the sound of scrunched up paper makes her wild, as she will fetch it like a dog does.

Hiding the remote used to be a way of controlling the kids but with SkyQ if they press the Q it makes the remote beep so they can find it. Though as you all no doubt experience Utube is more their thing than tv, not unless it’s the K family. So instead the other nuclear option is switching off the broadband, this gets any child’s attention. They will stand and sit and roll over like a performing animal in a circus. Kids will scatter to the four winds to bring the washing in or take the washing out or vacuum their room, or even do the washing up. Chores teach kids the value of work, and keep the house tidy, otherwise it would become like an archaeological dig. Especially if mum goes to work, it is not a hotel after all.

Speaking of hotels I always remind them of my time at CPNEC, if something needed doing you do it, you do not walk over or past it. I was Employee of the Year, a very close runner up, a lot of the guests thought I was the General Manager, I was too fat for a uniform so I wore a kind of suit of my own, and I was 20 years older that the reception crew. Then as I was standing around the front desk when I was not cleaning rooms with Vicky, or doing security patrols for the security crew, or even working in the laundry, or doing reception or switchboard duties, so I must be the General Manager, this was me in my absolute prime.

Now those days are gone, when I lie down I get pain, arthritis and the bypass scars come out to play. So that’s my motive in getting the girls to do their fair share of chores, it is character building as is hotel working. Everybody should work in a hotel for at least 6 months, it’s very hard work but again such fun too.

A story I wrote called “I’m glad to be fertilizer” drew on these experiences. So I have something in common with Donald Trump, he will never live it down, Michael Casey and me have something in common, somebody fetch me that bottle of vodka Putin sent me, just throw away the cork.  

Chores have to be done, they need to be done, but after they are done the chocolate can be eaten. That’s if they can find where you hid it, and that’s if I can remember where I hid it, I also show my kids the photo of the stone building, a one room shack where my mum was born and raised, where she lived with her parents and siblings, 9 people in a small shack. No bathroom, just pick your spot and a blade of grass to wipe your ass.

If we look back to 1920s Kerry Ireland and the Cromane peninsula or look back to Shanghai in the 1950s we can see just how far we have come, so what’s a few chores compared to that?