Santa's stuck up the chimney

Santa is stuck up the chimney ©

By Michael Casey

There’s a noise upstairs, so I push the wife forward, while I watch her back. She grabs here cleavers on the way up the stairs, one Shanghai wife two meat cleavers. She stamps her feet to make noise to frighten the intruder, or is it to boast her courage.

Meanwhile I switch off Phoenix TV and a Date with LuLu, I want to watch the BBC news instead. Upstairs I can hear a scuffle, then a whoosh, 9 reindeer appear at the bottom of out stairs. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Quickly followed by Santa sitting in his sleigh, with Jing Jie sitting besides him.

I’ll bring your wife a new set of German knives for Christmas says Santa, the Zwilling J.A. Henckels ones, with the picture of the two men on. So smiling JJ sits down and switches back to Phoenix. So I have to play host to Santa.

I get Santa  a cup of  green tea with brown sugar in it, as I mention brown sugar Santa starts to dance, he’s a very old Rolling Stones fan. He got Charlie Watts a new drum kit ten years ago, Charlie had worn it out with too much Jazz. Santa just adores Jazz too. Keith Richards got an Atomic Rooster pace maker, how else could he do the 50^thanniversary shows.

Mick Jagger got a re-tread for his lips, and some new knicker elastic, with all his moves he needed it. The other one, he got a Donny Osmond album, his musical tastes are mind blowing eclectic after all,  just listen to his show if you don’t believe me.

As Santa enjoyed his tea the reindeer grazed on our carpet, we hope to replace it soon, so I wasn’t too annoyed. Besides if we move the glass table it’ll hide the bare patches, won’t it?

Santa looked around casually, “I know what you really want” he said. I nodded “ a new house.” I cannot promise anything said Santa, it is Friday the 13^th after all, maybe a dolls house for your daughter.” I laughed and  drunk my own green tea.

Jing Jie was laughing, Mr Zhou the comedian was on Phoenix, I laughed too, his body language is so funny, no need to understand Mandarin. Santa and the reindeer fell over on the floor laughing, they do of course know Mandarin. It’s the way Mr Zhou tells them, he may have watched a Frank Carson video in the past.

So I asked Santa what he was doing in our loft. Birmingham is so nice nowadays was the reply, the reindeer wanted to eat the plants from the roof of the new library. That’s the real reason the roof top gardens were added, the architect is a friend of Santa’s.

So if you want a visit from Santa make sure you have a plant or two growing on your windowsill, the reindeer do of course adore poinsettia. The reason why poinsettia is red is because Rudolph had an accident and it changed the plant forever, so blame Rudolph.

But why our house Santa? It was the sounds of carols being sung by my daughters, reindeer are attracted to carols, they home in on them. As the girls are in a choir and practice, not to mention Capital radio being on too. It was too much for the reindeer, they fell out of the sky into our house.

So I gave Santa more green tea with brown sugar, as for the reindeer they continued to graze on the carpet. I think I’ll have to move to sofa to cover the bare patch. My wife continued to laugh with Mr Zhou, the reindeer and Santa chuckled too.

It was nearly time for Santa and the reindeer to go, they had to visit a few lonely churches to cheer up the clergy, would people discover faith, hope and love this Christmas. As for our carpet Santa said if I Faith then on Christmas day a new carpet would appear with the book of Kells pattern.

I just hope Santa’s right, otherwise I’ll have to move the sofa.