Law Speak

Law Speak ©

By

Michael Casey

We all have our own way of speaking, you know what I mean like, um, er, yeh, you know, what I mean, like, in it, like what I was saying like.

That’s why we have barristers or is it baristas in Court? To speak clearly on our behalf.  And those that use words as their tools have a special way to use these tools, these things called words. If you know what I mean like, Harry.

A lawyer says:- I was somewhat disturbed.

We say:- I was livid, I’ll kill that bastard.

A lawyer says:- There will be consequences.

This means:- You will have a visit from the bailiffs in the middle

                      of the night.

A lawyer says:- It would be mutually beneficially for our economic  

                        viabilities.

This means:- Lets move in together, get those Silks off now!

A lawyer says:- We should compare and contrast the aspects of

                         our mutual satisfaction

This means:- page 79 and 99 and 103 of the Kama Sutra

A lawyer says:- The prospect of advancement for our  mutual

                       skills through the generational aspect.

This means:- Let’s work our way through the Kama Sutra,

                     because I want your babies, NOW!

So on it goes, posh words, tender words. Words dripping with the letters of the alphabet. Letters which are Bold, letters which are in Italics, letters which are underlined with love. When a lawyer gives his heart, she gives her everything. Signed, sealed, codiciled, copies taken and bound, and certified and stamped. That’s what you get when a lawyer falls in love.

Love is too weak a word for a  lawyer, its mesmerising intoxication, it’s an hallucination of pulchritude, it’s a goddess visiting Birmingham from Heaven itself. And no this does not mean his new girlfriend is from Harborne either.

Her beauty stills his beating heart, he drops his briefs, his papers on the floor, you non-lawyers can be so so  so, non-lawyer like. A lawyer in love is such a great great thing, like an eclipse. The diamond of her beauty, her pulchritude overwhelms, intoxicates him, the air itself is torn from his chest.

She has power over him, just like  in the James Bond film. If you have to compare a lawyer in love, who else but James Bond bares any comparison, they do go to the same tailor after all.

After the scales of justice have been shaken to the core, blindfolds and love games galore, then there will be children, 2 or 3 or more. Tarquin, and Rapunsel  Smythe-Casey Q.C.s just like their dear papa Michael Casey.

So was it good for you, see you by the drinks machine, you can unruffled my hair as we stand there.