Being a slob

Being a Slob ©

By Michael Casey

I am of course not a slob, though today you may have thought otherwise, due to the state of my beard and hair, and the fact that I was wearing women’s size 20 pyjamas, a nice blue pair with pink and green flowers everywhere.  There was a sale in one of the shops so I bought some. I did spend  decades in the nude, but marriage and having daughters means you have to wear at least a dressing gown around the house. I revert to being as nature intended in the privacy of my own bedroom. The only suit I wear there is my birthday suit, I must remember to put some new curtains up or the neighbours will be frightened once more. I do resemble a saddleback gorilla, now that all my body hair has grown back after my surgery shave prior to my quadruple heart bypass.

Now where was I, yes slobbing around the house, a lazy Sunday after a pained night, sorry to bore you all but pain is part of my life so I mention it. So there I am eating my brown bloomer toast, though I am not wearing bloomers myself, just women’s PJs, not the underwear, just so you know, I am not Eddie Izzard you know, and why should I dress like him since we broke up as friends. I have an eye out for Totoro our cat she will steal anything and make a break for the fridge if you leave it open more than a nanosecond. The fact that we have a 6months supply of Whiskas under the kitchen table is irrelevant, she is a big game hunter and loves to hunt, our breakfast.  She used to steal the bread and bring it upstairs to eat, so now you know.

I used to drink coffee, weak instant coffee for 50years then I gave it up for maybe 3 years, to help my health, now about a jar ago, I restarted my coffee drinking, as I want something nice in my life, but I am strict and only have 3 weak mugs a day. I keep a written record on the microwave along with a note about the other pills I take, especially pain killers cos they can kill if you are not careful. So there I am in the kitchen in my floral pyjamas, with my small man boobs, caused by pain killers, looking like Les Dawson after a night out with Roy Barraclough down the Legion after their drag act, with my pussy  Totoro trying to steal my chicken, which sounds like a metaphor but is not.

I finish my breakfast and head for the bathroom and am nearly finished my business when the doorbell rings. I dash to answer as it be important, I don’t even have time  to wash my hands. An over eager preacher is at the door, it is a Sunday after all, he takes my hands and shakes them profusely. He tells me he is spreading the good news, he doesn’t notice my women’s pyjamas at all,  I’m told I look a look like my mother, silver hair included, but mom never had 3 days of stubble, or any in fact. I thank him for sharing the good news and as I close, ok, ½ slam the door I wonder what I have spread from my fingers.

I wash my hands thoroughly and then head for the computer and the Daily Telegraph, it is my paper of choice, and if I switch browsers it is always free. Totoro comes and jumpers on the computer chair and then my lap, she wants a cuddle and a stroke. Either that or she loves the Cartoons and Corbyn coverage in the DT, maybe she’ll become a journalist when she is bigger, or just the chicken expert in the Lifestyle section.

So I spend happy hours while the kids are at church singing in the choir, my own church is around the corner, but wherever there is prayer I am amongst you said somebody far greater than me. Tea and dilute blackcurrant from Aldi keeps me going during the day, and going is what I do too, it’s nice just to have a lazy day and watch Sky and BBC on the computer too, not forgetting bit of Spotify, I pass by my sites to see who has been reading my stuff. It’s nice to know that somebody is reading my words, maybe they’ll finally buy my 10 books on Amazon too. And here is the link below.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1   

When your daughter tells you that you look like a tramp, or worse, and children do say worse things to dads, then you have to rise from your computer chair and head for the bathroom to shave. And why is the water so dirty after 3 days of not shaving, I’ll never allow my girls to date anybody with a beard.  Why Corbyn has a harem following him everywhere I do not know, not unless he wears women’s PJs at home like me that would make him irresistible.

Once shaved I am sent out to Aldi before it closes on a Sunday, chocolate must be bought for my girls, I have to finish my daily walk too, so I kill two birds with one stone. Once home I can return to my slob clothes, to my women’s PJ with the flowers on, though I don’t always wear those PJs. Do I have men’s PJs? A pair somewhere, but I do have 2 other pairs of women’s PJs, there was a sale on you see, and men’s designs are so boring, I always like to surprise the postman too, Pop it in Pete is a Nudist, he used to deliver for Larry, Larry Grayson.