Michael's Bathroom a true story from 20 years ago

still having a pain day so here's an old and true story from 20 years ago

Michael's Bathroom ©

by

Michael Casey

Six months previously Michael had decorated his living room , he

had to , the white walls had turned to a nicoteen stained yellow in places

such was the downside of having a South facing living room . Now it was

the turn of the bathroom again . The bathroom was very small , not even

enough room to swing a cat , it was about 7 foot by six foot , which was

just big enough for the bath , the sink and the bog . Why did people want

big bathrooms anyway ? You weren't going to hold dinner parties in there ,

or go jogging , yes Michael was used to and by now satisfied with his

small bathroom . However it always seemed to need decorating , he just

needed to open the window more often and let the steam out . Michael just

loved to wallow in the bath like a Hippopotamus , he had a radio on the

windowsill so he could listen to Heart FM while he shaved and bathed and

watched the spiders . There were spiders galore in his bathroom , his

mother always said spiders brought money with them , perhaps snared in

their webs , Michael even looked under the bath behind the panel just in

case the spiders had indeed brought gold with them , sadly all he found

was yet more spiders and their webs .

Years ago at work the offices were tarted up , so new carpet was

laid in the reception , so Michael had begged for the off cuts , and

persuaded Paul Robinson to give him a lift home with it . Once home though

it was late Michael got out some very sharp scissors and laid the carpet in

the bathroom , he'd have a posh bathroom now , no more cold lino for him .

Actually he did make a good job of the carpet fitting , there was some

left over too . Now the bad thing about ordinary carpet in the bathroom is

that it gets manky , firstly because Michael splashed a lot in the bath ,

his mother had always told him off for splashing in the bath since he was

a child , she was afraid the water would leak though the ceiling into the

living room below . He did not have that problem now in his own house ,

why , because he had a concrete floor . So the carpet got wet , due to the

splashing in the bath . Michael was also a bad shot , so he'd occasionally

piss on the floor , when he came rushing home dying for a piss after

having too many shandies . Also if you spill domestos or other bleach on

carpet it changes colour .

As for the ceiling and walls , they needed cleaning and painting

every now and then because of all the steam and Michael not opening the

window often enough . So Michael would go up the road to Fads and buy

five litres of white emulsion for a fiver , then scattering newspapers all

over the bathroom he'd attack the walls and ceiling . He soon got high and

had a headache with all the paint fumes , even though the window was

wide open , the radio was blaring too , he always had music on

constantly , whether he was painting , eating , washing shaving or just

picking his nose . Michael's painting had more attack than finesse to it ,

splash it here , splash it there , quantity more than quality , his father

had always told him to use a small amount on the brush , a tiny amount ,

but Michael always overloaded his brush , paint was cheap after all , a

tin of paint only cost the price of a couple of pints and a bag of chips

after all .

Once finished Michael was splattered in paint , his grey hair now

turned white , his painting clothes , now more paint than clothes , his

watch had a white thumb print on it , his underpants had paint on too ,

for no matter what he did he was always hitching his jeans and

consequently he had paint everywhere . Michael stepped back to admire his

handiwork , but being as the bathroom was so small he bumped into the bog

and ending up sitting on it . "It'll do " was his usual comment , and it

would have too , he couldn't afford a real decorator .A fiver to do his

bathroom , but a decorator would charge 100 times that and take days , it

took Michael an hour and a half tops , he'd finish in time for Star Trek

and that was important , he had his priorities right . So looking at his

splattered watch , Michael gathered up the paint splattered newspaper

which was protecting his fancy carpet . The only trouble though was the

fact that his shoes were stuck to the newspapers , so Michael had to sit

on the bog and pull the newspaper off his shoes , invariably a spot or two

of paint stayed on the carpet . So Michael had rub hard to clean the

carpet , and take his shoes off so that he wouldn't leave footprints

everywhere . "Ah it'll do , " repeated Michael as he looked back at the

bathroom from the safety of the kitchen , he'd then strip off and put all

his painting clothes into the washing machine ,invariably the light was

fading now , so Michael had the kitchen light on , so his neighbours would

be treated to the dubious privilege of seeing Michael naked and paint

spattered standing in his kitchen .

Star Trek was great as usual , Michael only recognised the

metaphors after the show , but he really enjoyed the show , he'd been

watching it for 30 years now , the original and then the follow on shows .

After his dinner Michael ventured back into the bathroom , "Who needs

decorators , the thieving bastards" . Michael was satisfied with his

handiwork , it'd do till the next time . The next time came , when the

carpet was manky , so Michael threw out the carpet and searched under the

bed in the spare room , that’s where he kept the rest of the carpet . As

luck would have it there was just enough to cover the bathroom floor

again. So once more he got out the dangerous scissors and cut the carpet to

shape , and yes he did do a good job of it , carpet fitting he could do ,

it was painting he was useless at . Jackson Pollark , the artist who threw

paint at the canvas would have been impressed by Michael's bathroom ,

anybody else would have said , "was there an explosion ?"

So time passed and the carpet was manky , so Michael threw it out,

so what would he do next ? He hit upon the brilliant idea of painting the

concrete floor . It only took half an hour and then "hey presto" he had a

redecorated bathroom , only he hadn't thought of one thing . What happens

when you paint a floor white ? It shows all the dirt , and it shows up all

the spiders that are not spiders , if you know what I mean . So Michael

improvised , he was good at improvising , 20 years as a computer operator

and he'd leant to improvise , if nothing else . So he painted the floor

blue , that colour wouldn't show up spiders that weren't spiders . And he

was right . He had another problem now , because he'd used ordinary

emulsion , when it got wet , it came off , so soon the soles of Michael's

slippers went blue , and soon the blue was spattered with white , as

toothpaste and soap suds stained the blue floor . Michael persevered, he

painted the floor blue every couple of weeks or so , blue paint was more

expensive than white , but the one tin enabled him paint it ten times or

so .Eventually the walls needed painting again , so Michael thought he'd

try blue on the walls , only it was too dark , he didn't like it , and

more to the point he ran out of paint halfway through . So he went up to

Fads again for white , though he was nearly tempted into buying a soft

coloured paint as it was half price , but after a bit of soul searching he

stuck with white , five litres for a fiver .

Another problem reared its head , if you try painting over a

strong colour , the colour underneath shows through . So on Boxing Day 98

Michael spent the day painting , or smearing as his mother used to call it

, he spent the day smearing two coats of white over the blue . And yes it

did look dreadful . New Years Eve came and Michael's bathroom was covered

in copies of the Telegraph , it was a good read with great coverage , why

just one copy was enough to cover all Michael's floor , he'd have to write

to the editor to thank him . So Michael got drunk on New Year's Eve and

ended up dancing with his friend Dave , Dave being a Helmult Khol look

alike . Once home with a hangover , Michael realised that in the morning

he'd have to give another coat or two to the bathroom . Michael could see

the light at the end of the tunnel , or rather the bottom of the five

litre tin of paint , once he finished the tin , the job would be finished

whether it was finished or not , the job would be finished . He'd had

enough , and he had a massive headache due to the paint fumes .

"Finished , at last , thank God , " yelled Michael , yes he

had come to the bottom of the tin , so finished or not , it was finished.

So Michael went and watched Star Trek on the satellite . The bathroom took

forever to dry as it was Winter and the atmosphere was cold and wet . So

it was a couple of days before Michael could finish the bathroom

transformation . He found some old curtains he had in his pantry , he had

originally bought them for the kitchen , but once he got them home and

tried hanging them he was annoyed to discover they were too short , so

they had ended up in his pantry on a shelf next to his iron . To his

delight the new curtains were just the right length for his bathroom , and

they were nice and bright too . So what to dod next ? Michael pulled the

panel out from in front of the bath , as luck would have it he had a spare

plastic shower curtain ; so he wrapped the panel in a new shower curtain ,

a flowery pattern on it , and it would match the shower curtain he had

already up . Finally as he had to lay the lino , the lino he swopped a new

pair of shoes for . His brother had some spare lino , and Michael as usual

had a spare pair of shoes in his shoe mountain at the bottom of his

wardrobe . So he got the lino , and his brother got the shoes as a Xmas

present , they had both laughed as they struck the deal during their

regular weekly telephone conversation . Their dead mother would have

approved too , "look after each other" was her motto . There was one snag

though , Michael couldn't find his scissors , so how could he cut the lino?

So he improvised with the bread knife , a flash of the knife here , a

flash of the knife there , it was hard work , he was soon covered in sweat

but after 45 minutes he was finished . So he just had to slip the freshly

covered bath panel back in position . So kicking it back in position ,

Michael had finally transformed his bathroom . Michael stepped back to

admire his handiwork , accidently knocking the bread knife down the toilet

but he didn't hear the splash , as the radio was blaring out a Nat King

Cole song "Let there be Love" . Michael looked at his freshly painted

bathroom , walls and ceiling had been painted , new bright curtains were

hanging down , and the lino was new and bright too , he had even put a

layer of plastic and newspapers underneath to act as insulation , and he

had a little mat too that he could step on when he got out the bath . Yes

it was an utter transformation , the best it had looked in the 12 years

he'd lived there . All this activity had made him really hungry , he'd

bought a loaf from the bakery , an old fashioned big tasty loaf , all he

had to do was cut it into big slices , now where had he left the bread

knife ?

End