The Bad Housewife

The Bad Housewife ©

By

Michael Casey

Now as you know I am a Hausfrau, my German readers will appreciate that word, so at least one word in today’s story will strike a cord with somebody. The rest may be total pants, which used to be Jon the Hippy’s favourite word about 30 years ago, before he became rich and successful. Jon taught me to ride a bike, after a fashion and to appreciate alcohol, though I never drunk more than 2 pints at a time. So what has this got to do with alcohol? Well let me go and have a drink then I’ll tell you, you can go and have a drink yourselves and then come back to the screen. Is that a deal?

Well I had a snack so my stomach feels better now, and much fatter too, you are all so unkind, Lech, Boris and Gregorgi have not returned but I’ll resume without them. I sure they are busy with the still in Warley Woods, listening to me is not a priority for them at the moment. 1000 litres of fresh Woods Own Vodka is much more important. That’s what they call it, as a marketing device, though they sell it in old plastic bottles. English Vodka would not sound as nice, so they call it Woods Own Vodka. It would be poured down the drain if the Police and Excise ever found it. Luckily it’s on Sgt.Mulholland’s patch so it is safe. He gets a bottle from the first tasting, in a glass bottle too, 2 litres as well. It’s all about Community Relations after all, and Sgt. Mulholland is descended from generations of Kerry Potcheen makers after all.

The point being if you are a Bad Housewife you can easily become a good alcoholic, as you are home alone, and a nip here and a nip there in between chores easily amounts to alcoholism. I must go and make another snack now. It’s supposed to be better if you have smaller meals  instead of big ones. It’s better for digestion, is that why I’m still so fat, you lot are so cruel, I’m going to sulk.

I sulked for 3 days, did you miss me, did you even notice? Ok I’m lying, the date is on my talks, so I cannot trick you. Back to the plot. If you don’t have a plot then you will get lost. So a plot is a good idea, or a pencil and the back of an envelope. What’s this got to do with being a Bad Housewife? Well if you have a list then you can work your way through it, or as my mother used to say, throw salt at it, and it will keep. You will procrastinate forever if you don’t have a list. You can chip away at the list and bit by bit the hausfrau’s chores are done. Though chores really is an American word, errands is more English I suppose, bits and pieces is a kind of word an old lady called Louise might use. Or I’m just going to the shops, any requests? Is what I say most of all, and the girls always answer CHOCOLATE.

So a  good housewife will have a plan, and by having a shopping list you save money and don’t buy rubbish, or that’s the theory. In my case I buy all the offers and try and save money that way. However some things are just too heavy for me, having it delivered by a man in a van is always a good option. Try carrying bags up a very steep hill after your breastbone has been split, even now 4 years on it hurts if I do that. So I have to live within my limitations, and budget, like any good housewife. Yes maybe I should get a donkey, literally and figuratively, to share my burden.

A good housewife has a plan for all occasions, and eggs in reserve. You can make a meal with eggs. Fried egg, scrambled egg, hard boiled egg, French toast,just add bread to the egg.  That’s 4 different things and flavours. If you have some mushrooms left over you can make a mushroom omelette, add any left over cheese, or any bits of meat, it turns into a Spanish omelette. You can even add left over potatoes. A housewife can save the pennies and feed her pigs. That’s what we call our girls, our little pigs. What do you call your own kids?

I won’t repeat what I just heard hurled from the other side of the screen, but I did laugh. Being a Hausfrau is a busy life, a different life, I stumbled into it myself. It has meant I’ve spent 10 times more time with my girls than the average dad. If you always wanted a family, then having Time with your kids is great, even if you never have enough money to do all you’d wish you could do. Am I a bad housewife? I won’t answer that, I hope I’m a good dad, and only you can say if I’m a better writer.