Michael the Moaner

Michael the Moaner ©

By

Michael Casey

Michael was such a Moaner, he moaned about everything, he even moaned when he drunk the ink from the inkwell and had a rim of blue all around his lips, as well as a very blue tongue. We all laughed in class and Mr G sent him to wash his mouth out. I suppose it was to be expected, as he did become a writer, though it took a long time for that happen. His blue tongue was in 1968.

Michael moaned about the draught at home, so he taught the cat and dog to lie by the back door, as a living draft excluder. The cat and dog took turns as to who would be right next the door, then swapped over. They’d put their warm chin on the belly of the other, they were such clever animals. But still Michael Moaned and commanded them to keep the draft off his back. He did feed them chips though, which made both animals fart, that and left over kebab. Michael lived next door to the chip shop so always had the left overs, lots of left overs, as Angel fancied him, Angel was tattooed on her knuckles on one hand, and Right was tattooed on the other knuckles. No unless it was Right Angle and was something to do with maths, she was very quick adding up after all.

Michael Moaned about his knuckle too, he hurt it on a stapler, an industrial one from a print room. Everybody in the Print Room just said “SHUT UP” especially John Boy, who looked like one of the Waltons. So Michael muttered, but got no sympathy there.

Michael went ice skating and fell over, it was very slippery after all. He broke the strap on his stretch strap. He did not moan, they all went for beer and chips afterwards.However in the morning he discovered his left elbow hurt. He went to the hospital, only to discover he’d fractured his left elbow. So he had to put his arm in a sling for a month. This slowed him down as he danced around the computer room, this was 1985. He moaned about being slowed down. Years later he’d moan about his elbow twitching in cold weather.

Michael bent down to pick up some paper as he got up he twinged his back, and pulled a muscle or something. Ang who was an Angel, said move out the way old man and I’ll sort it. And so she did, I think she is now the boss there. As for Michael from 2009 onwards he had bouts of bad back, and yes he really did moan about that. He’s such a moaner,in fact he was “crawling like a worm in the dirt” which is another story you can find, but don’t moan to me if you cannot.

Michael’s left hip hurt so much, then finally after much moaning his old GP sent him for surgery. It’s really like putting a Rhino on a trolley then they inject you, it takes a few minutes but you have to have some form of anaesthetic so you have to wait for it  to wear off. Michael didn’t moan about that because he met a giant who was in Gladiator as an extra, who spent a day walking up and down a field being filmed. So that was very interesting, so Michael did not moan about that.

Michael had loads of tests on his back when he wanted the other hip  zapped, a Chinese doctor said its you back not your hip as such. Michael should have moaned but he did not. He’d just have to wait for an Orthopaedic appointment. Then he continued to take the kids up the steep  hill to school, but he loved his kids, so he did not moan.

However he was panting as much as a stalker, so he went to his old GP. The nurse decided to send him for heart tests. And she saved his life.so he’ll never moan about that. Michael  has several tests and waited for the results. One test made the doctor look worried and he stroked back his hair. You will be seeing the specialist sooner rather than later he said.

Then one Saturday 3^rd Jan 2015 Michael’s hips both exploded in pain, after dithering he called 999, and he said his heart was ok. Finally as Michael explained he had lots of tests recently done the ambulance man took him in. And in the hospital they all said his heart was ok, finally Michael Moaned have you looked at the recent tests.

The doctors looked at the recent tests, and said something MUST be done. 10 days later Michael had an unplanned Quadruple Heart bypass. So Michael does not moan about that. Though Michael now gets post operative skeletal muscular pain, and arthritis to scream for, and CKD to use loads of toilet paper for. As well as waking every 2 hours like clockwork, and just for fun Tinnitus has joined the band on the symbols. And if you haven’t guessed I’m Michael, apart from the drinking of the ink, Michael Mone actually did that. So I hope you understand why I moan. However I hope I have turned into a good writer, with ink in my veins, or do you want to shove the quill up my bum, now that would really make me moan.