The Old Lady and the Horse

The Old Lady and the Horse ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I changed my chair today, so I’m sat more upright, and the footprint takes up less room in the study/front room. When you ride a horse they tell you to sit up straight and bounce along with the horse. Not that I know much about horses, though my dad was a Blacksmith and used to shoe them back in Kerry in the 1930s before he came to England and spent his life in a steel works. Me I’m a Wordsmith, but dad’s grandson is training in Sheffield to be a Doctor, quiet a leap in 2 generations.

But today I want to tell you about the old lady and the horse. Shall  we say the old lady lived in Sheffield amongst the hills, and steel of course. Now Mrs Ore was very old, she’d seen a lot and lost her husband in an industrial accident in a steel works long ago. She had a tiny pension and all her children and grandchildren no longer lived in Sheffield, they had moved to Birmingham, why she never knew, she loved Sheffield. She also loved the field just down the road where the horses were, she spent hours talking to the horses.

The horses loved her too, and she was allowed to stroke them and feed them an apple or two. Her husband had planted an apple tree in the garden when they were first wed, so their marriage consisted of lots of apple pie. And while the pie was in the oven they used to go to bed and let it rise, and so they had 8 children. 4 of each. So beware of planting an apple tree in your garden. However they all sent her money from Birmingham, so though her pension was tiny she never worried about money.

The horses came running from the far side of the field when they saw her coming, there was love between them. Though were there is love, there is always the opposite. One day Mrs Ore was attacked by a man high on skunk. She would have died in fact, all the man got was her bus pass and a bag of apples, he threw here bus pass away but kept the apples. Then still stinking of skunk cannabis he shuffled away. The horses gathered around, then one spoke. We have to save her, but we cannot break our cover. Lift her up on my back I’ll take her to their hospital, if I follow the Sheffield Pathway then I’ll soon be there.

So a horse appeared outside a Sheffield hospital with a bloodied Mrs Ore on its back. The porters came running and the doctors too. Mrs Ore was carried inside. The horse went around the back to where the dustbins were, when a porter came to see where the horse had gone all that he found was a lump of manure. But this manure smelt of roses, normally you put your horse manure on flowers to help them grow, then you have the sweet smell of roses. But this horse manure actually smelt of roses. The porter returned to the casualty department.

The horse had disappeared into thin air he reported, as for Mrs Ore she smelt of roses too, like the most expensive of perfumes. The doctors were mystified, but they patched her up and kept her in for a week. All her family came from Birmingham, each one saying she should move to Birmingham and be safe. Mrs Ore insisted Sheffield was her home, so she accepted 8 panic alarms from her children. Does your mother wear expensive perfume asked the doctors, even after a week in hospital she smelt of roses. She only smells of apples explained all her children.

In fact the horses had made her smell like roses, you see the horses were not horses, they were shape shifters from space, aliens in fact. They were on a 5 years mission to boldly go where no shape shifter had gone before. They had met Jim Kirk and made him smell like Brut, that’s how he got all the girls. As they travelled far and wide they had various disguises. They even met Dr Who, and told him/her to Relax, and gave the Doctor a Frankie goes to Hollywood album, don’t be so PC they advised and made him smell of Ck1, it was made for both genders after all. Leaving a nice smell was the aliens trade mark.

Disguised as horses they had been observing Earth, and it was only because of Mrs Ore that it was put on the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Universe best places to stay for aliens. They were writing a travel guide in fact. They loved Mrs Ore so much because of her apples, and they knew a cancer was growing inside her, but she was old, and would not want to be of any trouble to anybody. Even though no Earth doctor could see the cancer even in 5 years time. Aliens have better senses you see.

Mrs Ore dreampt of horses every night, in fact the aliens came and visited her, transforming themselves into porters and then changing back into horses as they gathered around her bed. When the horses spoke to her she was not afraid. She was ready to meet God, so he must have sent them to carry her Home. Mrs Ore do you want to come with us, far away. Further than Birmingham she asked. Much further, to the very stars. I always wanted to travel but with 8 kids I did not, and then when my husband died I was too busy with the kids.

She fell asleep, the horses decided, she’d come with them, her apples were the talk of the Universe. So the 4 horses carried her away in the night. In the morning 4 golden horse shoes were hanging from her bed and bed itself was full of horse manure, but the strange thing was the manure smelt of roses.