Michael G Casey email only michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker(C)
By
Michael Casey
Chapter Seven...And for Your Penance...
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Two weeks passed , during which time Patrick and June spent
every second together , bonding is the technical term for it . Patrick had
bought some superglue for the bed , it was supposed to bond in seconds ,
and last a lifetime , perhaps like Patrick and June's love . One thing was
by now certain , June was pregnant , it was time for Patrick to meet her
parents .
June rode her bike to the bakery , then she got into Patrick's
V.W. , together they would drive to meet her parents in Harbourne . It was
High Noon for this Cinderella , but hopefully no blood would be spilt ,
she had told her father already . Her father had asked just one simple
question , "are you happy ?" , the smile in her eyes as she firmly said
"yes" proved to him that she was . He was on her side , but what about her
mother ?
Patrick licked his lips and played with his tie as he drove to
Harbourne , he hated ties , but June said her mother prefered men to wear
ties .
"Don't be so glum , she's not a dragon , sticks and stones can break your
bones but my mother will only use her tongue , " said June .
"What about the lad you were going to get engaged to , she scratched his
face and your dad kicked his arse , " said a worried Patrick .
"I told you dad's on our side , its just mom we have to convince , besides
its us not them if it comes to it , " said June kissing Patrick on the
cheek .
Percy who was driving towards them in the hearse smiled as he passed by ,
he was pleased for Patrick , even if he had got things in the wrong order.
"See if Percy can smile why cann't you , " chided June .
"He's not driving himself to his own funeral is he , " answered Patrick .
"If you don't cheer up I'll tickle you , " said June as she started to
tickle Patrick .
Patrick laughed and the car veered a little , there was a flash of blue
light and a siren sounded , Patrick slowed and stopped . Luckily it was
Sgt.Mulholland .
"What's got into you Patrick , you could have caused an accident . "
"Sorry Muls , I'm off to meet my future mother-in-law , only she doesn't
know yet that she's going to be a grandmother , " began Patrick .
"He was looking so sad , so I tickled him , its my fault , " said June
interrupting and shrugging her shoulders .
"It's ok I won't arrest you this time , we cann't have the baby being born
in Winson Green Prison after all . But watch it , and don't forget my
wedding invitation , " with that Sgt.Mulholland got back into his squad
car .
From his squad car a smile on his face he said on his loudspeaker , "Well
I hope the superglue works and if the mother-in-law gives you any trouble
I'm in the phone book , 999 , that's me , " laughing at his own joke
Sgt.Mulholland sped off .
June blushed , Patrick muttered "bastard" under his breath .
"Well at least the glue did work , " laughed June .
Patrick laughed too , the mother-in-law would be a doodle now , if not
then they knew Sgt.Mulholland's phone number .
June rang the front door bell , her father opened the door . He
stood there and looked at Patrick , they sized each other up . June felt
tense too , just as she had when she waited for her pregnancy test
results . It was like waiting for the parachute to open on your first
jump , the theory was all very well but the proof was in the pudding , or
the opening chute rather . A full minute went by before Mr Kemp held out
his hand , he was handing over his daughter , he was giving up control .
"Come on in , welcome , I've got to like you , June does so I do , " he
squeezed the life out of Patrick's hand , and placed the other hand on
top .
It was the handshake of welcome , though judging by look in his eye there
was also a warning , hurt my daughter and I'll hurt you . It wasn't spoken
but Patrick knew it was there . June hugged her father , he'd been fair ,
now it was just her mother who'd need convincing . Patrick was led along a
plush corridor to the back living room , for him it felt like the last
walk to the gallows , only instead of the gallows there was June's mother
waiting , a human electric chair .
Patrick entered the room and gulped , they had decided to get
it over and done with quickly , her mother would sense what was to come as
soon as a man arrived , so they'd make things plain as soon as possible .
"Who was that at the door ? " smiled Mrs Kemp .
She noticed Patrick , he was holding June's hand , the current was
switched on , Mrs Kemp's eyes registered power on .
"Oh , its June , she's brought us her young man , " replied Mr Kemp ,
hoping to earth his wife .
Mrs Kemp straigtened , current rising , the cat jumped from her lap , the
cat showed its claws , all Mrs Kemp needed was a witch's hat .
"He's holding your hand , he must know you rather well , " her smile grew
as did the current , the hair on Patrick's head began to rise .
"Yes mum , he knows me well , " June replied , squeezing Patrick's hand
even harder .
Mr Kemp could feel the power surge so he moved in to dampen it , he'd have
to make a big sacrifice but June was worth it . He went to the drinks
cabinet and poured his wife a large measure from the bottle of Wayne's
Special Reserve , he'd been given it when he had finished help lay Wayne's
new carpet . Mrs Kemp took the glass and sipped it , then as the sparks
flashed from her eyes she finished off the whisky , it was a very good
drop but nothing was going to divert her .
"I guessed he knows you very well , but I do hope he's not like the last
boy , " Mrs Kemp flexed her fingers , they were like flick knives , she'd
only just finished painting them , they were blood red .
The current ebbed and flowed in her , she was like a tiger on the prowl ,
just waiting for the right moment to pounce .
"Patrick is not like the last lad , he's special , in fact very special ,
he's a gentle and kind man , he likes dogs too , " June said , though she
felt like King Canute trying to stop her mother's surge .
"Doesn't he have a tongue in his head , or is he the dumb kind ? " asked
Mrs Kemp smiling sweetly , though her sweet smile meant the opposite .
"Of course he does , here let me get you a refill , " said Mr Kemp again
trying to discharge the current .
This time Mr Kemp filled the glass to the brim , it was a waste of good
whisky , yet June was worth it .
"Of course I have a tongue , and teeth too , " said Patrick the current
had stung him .
"So why are you honouring us with your presence , " asked Mrs Kemp , her
words felt like a cattle prod .
June and Patrick exchanged looks , both gulped , Mr Kemp closed his eyes .
"Well I've come here to ask your permission to marry June , " said Patrick
Mrs Kemp choked on her whisky , then she downed it all in one , Mr Kemp
hurried to refill her glass , if she was drunk then her charge would be
discharged .
"Yes , we are going to be married , we are in love ! " exclaimed June .
"Don't be foolish child , you must only know him a matter of weeks , "
scolded Mrs Kemp , as the charge grew within her .
"Don't call me a child , I am 28 , I am a woman ! " retorted June .
Mr Kemp hovered with the bottle , it was a criminal waste , but he had to
earth his wife some how .
"Woman , you , what do you mean ? " Mrs Kemp's eyes flashed like
lightening , her eyes were trying to fry Patrick .
June blushed , then she kissed Patrick , she kissed him the same way she
had that evening in the Trader . She was proving a point . Mrs Kemp
knocked back another glass of Wayne's Special Reserve , this was terrible
her child was behaving like a common slut .
"So he does know you well , just how well , " Mrs Kemp got out of her
chair , she stood on the cat's tail as she did so , the cat spat , but Mrs
Kemp was spitting even more .
Mr Kemp took a swig from the bottle before filling his wife's glass , he
poured till the glass overflowed ,the cat licked up the Whisky and began
to smile , Whisky is better than Whiskers any day .
"We know each other well enough to want to get married , " said Patrick .
"But you are only a child , look what we saved you from with that last
chap , all he wanted was your money , " Mrs Kemp was ignoring Patrick now.
"We are getting married , I'm going to be Mrs June Murphy ! "
Mrs Kemp flinched , as if the currrent had changed direction and stung
her , was that Murphy she had heard . Mr Kemp took another swig from the
bottle , before filling his wife's glass again .
"Mrs Murphy , that name rings a bell . It's Irish anyway , you cann't
become an Irish wife . The Irish are only good for digging roads and
having hoards of children , " Mrs Kemp stopped , she looked shocked .
"He hasn't has he , " her eyes were pleading .
"He has , and I have , it takes two mother , " said a defiant June .
"Pregnant ! But you cann't be you're a virgin , " Mrs Kemp was confused ,
the current within her was going around and around in circles , the whisky
had finally reached the spot .
"They love each other , cann't you see that , June is a sensible girl , do
you think she'd wait till she was 28 just to get pregnant with the wrong
boy ? " asked Mr Kemp as he took another swig from the bottle .
"Murphy , I remember that name , we leant them money years ago . Oh God
no , we lend them money now the son comes back for the lot , well that's
the Irish for you , " Mrs Kemp grabbed the bottle from her husband's hand
and took a good swig from it .
"Look I'm not after your bloody money you can keep it , all I want is
June , you can have the bloody tie back too , its one of your husband's
June made me wear it ! " Patrick tore off the tie and threw it in Mrs
Kemp's face .
"But do you have to marry him , cann't you have the baby adopted , or not
have it or something ? " begged Mrs Kemp the whisky talking .
"You bitch , don't you ever speak to June like that ! " snapped Patrick .
"Yes , shut up you old bitch ! " snapped Mr Kemp , who had wanted to say
that for years , now thanks to Wayne's Special Reserve he had said it .
June's heart lept , her father was on her side , he really did like
Patrick , she knew it ! . Mrs Kemp slumped in the chair , she drained the
bottle to the last drop . The cat had drunk all the spilt whisky so he now
jumped on Mrs Kemp's lap , the two bitches fell asleep .
"Ignore her , she's a professional virgin , she just doesn't understand
love , I hope you give me lots of grandchildren , " Mr Kemp belched then
fell over unconscience , Patrick only just managed to catch him .
June held up Patrick's hand "A knockout , the winner is love ! "
They kissed again , free of any inhibitions , it was good that June's
parents were both unconscience , they'd have fainted if they saw how the
pair kissed .
A week later Patrick took June to the early Sunday Mass , he
wanted to have a word with Fr.Shaw . All through the Mass Fr.Shaw was
watching them like a hawk , he had to make his mind up about them , if he
wasn't certain , then he wouldn't marry them . June and Patrick were the
last to leave the church that Sunday morning , Patrick wanted to have
Fr.Shaw's undivided attention .
"Can I have a word Father ? " Patrick felt and sounded like a teenager .
"Well its my job isn't it ? " Fr.Shaw looked up at Patrick from under his
large eyebrows , Fr.Shaw had a mischievious look about him , in school in
the thirties his schoolteacher in Castleisland had said that one day he'd
hang .
"Well Father , could you marry me ? " began Patrick .
"What are you asking me , do you know priests don't marry , besides I'm
not one of those quare fellows , so I won't be marrying you , cann't you
get a nice girl like this one here to take a shine to you ? " said Fr.Shaw
as he began to laugh heartily at his own joke .
June laughed , Patrick looked confused before the penny dropped and he
joined in . They followed Fr.Shaw from the porch up into the presbetry ,
once in his study he sat in his old battered armchair and waited for them
to sit down .
"Well Patrick it is nice to see you coming to Mass more regularly ,its not
just because they have stopped the Sunday milk deliveries is it , of
course it isn't , you're a nice good Catholic boy after all . "
"You see Father I want to marry June here , " Patrick glanced at June .
"Well now , marriage is a Holy thing not to be entered into lightly , its
not like a night out at the pictures you know , " Fr.Shaw sounded serious.
"My mother says that too , " said Patrick looking at the ground .
"One should only marry if you mean to stay married , till death do us
part and all , and church isn't just for the photo album either , it makes
me so sad to hear people say how pretty a church is when they only see the
inside of one when they get married , " Fr.Shaw sighed .
"I want to be with Patrick forever , " smiled June .
"So you do my child , so you do , " said Fr.Shaw from beneath his eyebrows
"I feel the same way too , " Patrick looked Fr.Shaw in the eye .
"Now you have done things in the wrong order , haven't you ? " Fr.Shaw
sounded like a doctor rather than a fire and brimstone priest .
"Well that's my fault , but I'm not ashamed , I love Patrick , its just
that , that , " June struggled for the words .
"The volcano exploded , " said Fr.Shaw sucking his lips .
"Yes , " said June .
"Yes , " said Patrick .
"June , you're not a Catholic , would you be willing to let the child grow
up as one ? " Fr.Shaw looked intently at her .
"Well I've never really thought about it , but I went to Saint Paul's ,
my friends there were Catholics .Why not , perhaps some time in the future
I might become a Catholic too , " answered June .
"We don't want to presurise you , the days of the Inquisition are long
over , " Fr.Shaw said softly .
"Well the more I have in common with Patrick the better , " smiled June .
"Well Patrick , June , everybody I have ever married has stayed married ,
till death do us part , so if I agree to marry you I hope you won't go
spoiling my record , " Fr.Shaw scoured their faces .
"We won't ! "
"Fine , I'll marry you at the end of the month , is that ok ? "
"Great , " said June .
"Now the little matter of being early starters , really I should give you
a penance Patrick . June has been a pagan , but you a nice Catholic boy
should have know better than to steal a maiden's virginity . "
June blushed , Patrick squirmed in his chair .
"Well you see I'm an old and simple Jesuit back from the missions , my
health isn't what it used to be , so Patrick for your penance . "
June and Patrick held their breath ,they watched as Fr.Shaw stroked his
eyebrows before he pronounced the penance .
"The penance for stealing a maiden's virginity is , organise a fete for
the children's home this Saturday , you must raise as much as possible for
the children . Then perhaps you will realise that though making children
is fun it is also a responsibility , so raise some money for all the
children in the home . And by the way I want June to spend more time with
her family till the wedding , if you know what I mean , besides it will
give the glue a chance to work ! " with that the old Jesuit began to
laugh .
June blushed , Patrick wanted to swear but couldn't , so instead they all
laughed .
The next day Patrick went around the street with his begging
bowl , he knew Big Sid adored children so he started with him . Big Sid
was tenderising some steak as Patrick came in the shop .
"Bastards , " shouted Sid .
The customers jumped , Sid hammered the steak even more , Sid looked up to
see Patrick standing at the counter .
"It was on the radio just , a man who battered his child to death only got
five years in jail . I know what I'd do , " Sid gave a final wallop to the
meat before serving his customer .
"I hope I've not come at an inconvenient time , its just that Fr.Shaw gave
me a penance for being an early starter , " Patrick looked at the sawdust
on the floor of the shop .
"Oh you mean about you getting June in the family way , I heard all about
it , Percy had an early funeral this morning , him and Fr.Shaw had a right
old laugh at your expense . It's a good idea that , let the penance fit
the crime , " Sid was smiling .
"So you can provide a few things ? " Patrick looked hopeful .
"Well a goose to raffle and a few chickens . "
"Thanks from me and the children's home , " said Patrick as he turned to
leave the butchers .
"Hang on a sec , childrens' home , Percy only said it was for a home , he
didn't mention any children . Stuff the chickens , I'll get you a pig to
roast and a side of beef . Children deserve the best , they are the future
after all , " Big Sid's chest swelled .
"Thanks Sid , " Patrick nodded his appreciation and left the shop .
Sid finished serving his customers then wiping his hands on his apron he
went in the back to make a phone call .
"Hello , its Big Sid here give me Len tell him its most important . "
"Len here what's up , has somebody been trying a fast one ? " Len's voice
sounded urgent he never let anybody get one over him .
"No you're ok , how's the wife ? " asked Sid .
"Fine , the boys too , " Len was relaxing now .
"How's all those grandchildren of yours , " Sid sounded genuine and was .
"Great just great ,I'm gonna be a granddad for the tenth time next week ,
its gonna be a girl , they had one of those scan things , " Len was all
relaxed now as he lit another large cigar .
"You heard on the radio about that man who battered his kid ? " enquired
Sid as he scratched his ear .
"Yes I did , I'd stick the bleeder in my deep freeze till his knackers
dropped off , " said an indignant Len .
"It's always the children that suffer , " sighed Sid .
"Yes the poor kids , just like in Romania , it was on the telly , " sighed
Len .
"It's been nice chatting to you , " Sid was about to hang up .
"Yes , I always enjoy our chats , " Len was about to hang up too .
"Oh , I nearly forgot , a friend on the street got his girl pregnant , so
his priest said that for his penance he had to organise a fete for the
childrens' home , " began Sid .
"God , that's funny , his girl has a bun in the oven and he has to
arrange a fete for the children's home , " Len laughed as he blew smoke
rings .
"Its even funnier , when you think that he's a baker and she has a bun in
the oven , " laughed Sid .
The two laughed heartily .
"So I was wondering can you let me have a pig to roast and a side of beef
too , none of this foreign muck , good old British beef , and at discount
too , as it is for the sake of the children , " asked Big Sid .
"Of course I can , come to think of it you can have it for free , I don't
want anybody to think I don't like kids , me soon to be a granddad for
the tenth time , " Len swelled with pride as if he was carrying the baby
himself .
"I'm willing to pay , " said a sincere Sid .
"Look if I say something I do it , you know me , besides I will be helping
somebody with his penance won't I , " Len laughed heartily and put the
phone down .
Len felt good , he took another puff from his cigar before scratching his
head , just how had he managed to talk himself into giving a few hundred
pounds of meat away . He sighed and took another puff from his cigar ,
what the hell , he was going to be a granddad for the tenth time . As for
Sid he put down the phone and wondered how he'd managed to get Len to do
that , nobody ever pulled a fast one on Len . Sid looked slightly
bemused , he stood staring at the phone , perhaps he should ring Len back
he hadn't given him the details or anything . What the hell , it was for
the sake of the children after all .
Patrick went to see Percy next , just what he was going to ask
he hadn't a clue and how could an undertaker help a fete for children
anyway ? Percy let Patrick in and led him to the office .
"Well you know why I'm here , can you help in anyway ? " asked Patrick .
"I'm sure there's something I can do to help , " said Percy .
Andy came in to write something in the office diary , as he wrote Percy
pondered outloud .
"What can we do for the fete , hum , let me think , " Percy scratched his
head .
"Well I could print off some leaflets on my Atari , now that we've
invested in a laser printer they will come off real fast , " said Andy as
he finished writing the entry in the diary .
"Like you did before , " said Patrick with a wink .
Andy blushed , he was still young and naive enough to think that nobody on
the street had realised it was him the last time .
"Well we could turn up with the cars and give rides in them , œ1 for a
ride of a hundred yards , people love a Rolls , and a look at a hearse
would interest people , " said Percy .
"That sounds great , it starts at noon and goes on till seven or later if
I can get some entertainment , " said Patrick .
"Ok leave it with us , you better get on with your penance , " Percy
paused before adding , " its a bit like a modern fairy tale really . "
Patrick rolled his eyes and left them in the eternal peace of their
undertakers' office .
Outside Patrick was surprised to see June with hairy Amjit
pulling her along the pavement .
"I just thought I'd come and see how you are doing . Amjit has decided he
wants to see his new home too , " said June looking down at Amjit .
"Woof , " said hairy Amjit , who wanted to prove that he was no dumb
animal , hairy yes , dumb no .
In his store Amjit , the none hairy one that is , he heard the enormous
woof , so he came out to see what was happening . Jaswinder followed her
father outside .
"I see both your girlfriends are with you , " Amjit laughed .
"Come over here and I'll introduce them to you properly , " shouted
Patrick .
Amjit and Jaswinder came over the road to say their hellos . Jaswinder hid
behind her dad's legs , June soon persuaded her that though the hairy
Alsation was big he had a heart of gold .
"What's he called then , " asked Jaswinder ready to duck behind her
father's legs at any moment .
"Well you have a teddy called Patrick , so Patrick has a dog called Amjit
the same name as your dad , " June savoured her words .
Amjit's kiss curl visibily straightened ,the smile on his face disappeared
too , the tables had been turned and he knew it .
"But man you cann't do that , I'll have a confused child , man you just
cann't do that , " Amjit held out his hands begging .
"Amjit ! " shouted Jaswinder .
"Woof ! " replied hairy Amjit .
"Amjit ! " laughed Jaswinder as she stole a stroke of his hairy back .
"Woof ! " replied hairy Amjit as he licked her face .
"See daddy , he has the same name as you , " Jaswinder was all smiles , it
was great as far as she was concerned .
"Come on lets go to Big Sid's perhaps he has some pork scratchings for
him , " June held out her hand for Jaswinder .
So Jaswinder skipped up the road , with every skip she shouted out the
dog's name , the barks echoed around the street .
"You're a bastard Patrick , " said Amjit .
"It takes one to know one , besides I owe you one after that Calcutta
Surprise , " laughed Patrick .
Amjit smiled , Patrick was right , in fact Amjit had got off easily .
"Well now that I've got your attention , can you help with the children's
fete this Saturday ? " Patrick still felt uneasy asking people for help .
"Sure , we'll make some pasties and I can donate a few sacks of spuds ,
people always like baked potatoes , " said Amjit as he looked up the
street to see his daughter teaching the dog the Indian for "Sit " and
"Give us the paw " .
"You'll have a very confused dog , " Amjit motioned with his head .
"No , just a multi lingual one , " laughed Patrick .
Hairy Amjit soon mastered Indian , well enough to get himself some pork
scratchings at any rate . Patrick smiled as he started off down the road ,
he'd try Mark's next .
Mark had his cake book on the counter when Patrick came in ,
Henry the road sweeper had been in and he'd told Mark about Patrick's
penance , he'd heard from Michael who had heard from Percy . The grapewine
was working ,in fact Marvin Gaye's "Heard it on the Grapevine" was playing
on Mark's radio as Patrick came in the cafe . So all Patrick had to do was
offer some sacks of flour , the baking would be done in Mark's and at
Patrick's bakery , Mark would make them up first . Patrick left Mark
pondering over what delights he'd make , he'd pop into Smiling Paul's
next .
A heated arguement was going on in Paul's , somebody had lost a
slip and a few hundred pounds , Paul wasn't going to pay out even if they
called him "Scrooge" . Patrick hovered at the door , on impulse he decided
to capitalise on events .
"He's not that bad , " he began .
"He's tighter than a taxman , " somebody yelled .
"No he's not , he's going to be making money for charity this Saturday ,
he'll have a stall at the childrens' home , all profits for the kids . He
should make a thousand pound for them ! " Patrick had let his tongue run
away with him .
"Yes , I'll be there , I'll be making money for charity , so lets have
none of this about me being a bent bookie . Anybody knows , no slip , no
payout ! " shouted Smiling Paul .
"See you all at the children's home this Saturday , " shouted Patrick as
he left Smiling Pauls' .
He had defused things a little and managed to con Smiling Paul into coming
too , Patrick looked perplexed , just how had he done that , he shrugged
his shoulders and forgot about it .
Patrick looked up the street and smiled at June , their smile
was like a ray of sunshine , it warmed and made them both feel glad , they
knew they were made for each other , so what if they were early starters .
Patrick entered the Trader as hairy Amjit was selling his soul for pork
scratchings , just think of the power a little Indian girl called
Jaswinder had in her hand .
"So you went to confession then , " smirked Annie .
"It beats an Our Father and a Glory Be doesn't it , " laughed Betty .
"Look girls , " began Patrick .
"Boys will be boys , " said Annie .
"And girls will be girls , " said Betty .
"And they end up having babies , " finished Patrick , he could see it
coming .
"Well I suppose you want me to run a bar ? " said Wayne getting to the
point .
"I had hoped for a few donations , I wasn't going to ask for a bar , I
mean that would be too much to ask , " Patrick said softly .
"Well don't ask then , but that's what you've got , besides it will be a
day out for the family , I'll stick a note on the door telling my
customers to go to the childrens' home if they want a drink , " Wayne said
it as if he was telling the time , it was all settled .
"Thanks from me and the childrens' home , " Patrick nodded his thanks , he
couldn't believe how nice people were .
When he'd left the pub the twins turned to their father and kissed him .
"Well he is one of your "uncles" after all , " Wayne felt embarrassed .
"Oh daddy can we build sand castles , " joked Annie .
"Can I have a ride on a donkey p l e a s e , " asked Betty fluttering her
eyelashes .
"Stop making a fool of your father and fetch me my diary , I'm sure we can
get the breweries to help too , " Wayne winked , he had an idea .
Outside Patrick bumpted into Jimmy , Patrick said he was sorry
and was about to carry on with his penance when Jimmy called him back .
"Hey aren't you forgetting something , I may be a Jew but I'd like to help
a nice Catholic boy do his penance , " Jimmy held out his hands like a
magician proving they were empty .
"Oh I wasn't going to ask you , I mean the rest of the street are
Christians and it is a Catholic childrens's home , and and , " Patrick
spluttered to a halt , the look on Jimmy's face was of shock .
"Look I know I can help you . I can do a valuation service , œ1 an item ,
the money going to the home . Or was your Kerry belly just thinking of
food ? " Jimmy sounded stern .
"Sorry , I just didn't think , " Patrick looked at the ground .
"That's ok , after all Jesus was a Jew , its just that you Catholics are
Jew's who went wrong , you cann't be blamed , " Jimmy began to laugh .
"That's great Jimmy , really great . I've nearly finished asking everybody
now , it would be nice if we had some live music too but for the life of
me I doubt if I could get anybody at such short notice , " Patrick sighed.
"Well us Jews do have some connections . I'll get you a Jazz band , most
have a Jew playing for them , if not leading them . I hope Jazz will be
ok ? " asked Jimmy with a flourish of his hands , a new trick finished .
"That'd be great ! " a smile lit up Patrick's face .
"Well go on then , finish your penance , I'm afraid with your funny nose
us Jews wouldn't take you back into the fold , " joked Jimmy .
Patrick walked up the street to hug June , everything was going
like a dream . Henry passed by pushing his cart , he felt neglected as he
hadn't been asked to help , so Patrick asked him to come and do what he
did best , collect litter . Wherever there are people there is litter . A
wave of music engulfed Patrick as he kissed June , it came from Winston's
capri , it was so loud that his fluffy dice nearly fell off .
"Hey you l o v e r s , I can advertise on my station , " said Winston .
"Ok , advertise on your station , let a man get on with his work , "
replied Patrick as he kissed June .
"Yes , let a woman get on with her work , " said June arching her eyebrows
and kissing Patrick again .
The engulfing music disappeared , Patrick didn't bother to ask how Winston
knew about the fete , perhaps a birdie had told him , it wouldn't surprise
Patrick in the least . Patrick was tapped on the shoulder , it was Ken .
"About this fete , can I help ? " he was fidgeting with a bundle of
letters , his postman's bag was nearly empty .
For whatever reason , maybe it was out of fun , or perhaps out of a
perverted sense of humour , Patrick led Ken to Big Sid's butchers .
Inside Ken looked first at Patrick and then at Sid , Patrick
smiled , Big Sid smiled , Ken looked bemused . Patrick knew what was Sid's
favourite t.v. program , Sid watched it with his grandchildren . So all
Patrick had to do was smile , Sid could work the rest out for himself .
"He wants to help with the childrens' home fete , " said Patrick .
"Yes , I'll do anything , " said Ken , like a sheep saying it'd be chops .
"Anything ? " asked Sid .
"Anything ? " echoed Patrick .
"Yes anything , " Ken even smiled .
"Anything what so ever ? " asked Sid , moving closer .
"Anything at all ? " echoed Patrick moving closer .
"Anything but , " began Ken .
"Postman Pat , " interrupted Big Sid .
"What ? " stammered Ken , hoping his ears weren't working properly .
"Postman Pat , " smiled Sid .
"We want you to be Postman Pat , " Patrick's eyebrows almost nudged Ken .
Ken's left eye developed a twitch , he went quite pale and wanted to be
sick , but how can you say no to an eighteen stone butcher with a meat
cleaver in his hand , and wearing a Postman Pat jumper under his apron .
"Pardon ? " Ken hoped that would be enough to confuse them .
"I want you to be Postman Pat , " Sid moved closer , like a Sumo wrestler
coming in for the kill .
"Er , " mumbled Ken , hoping to shake them off the trail .
"We , the two of us want you to be Postman Pat , " said Patrick .
"Er , " repeated Ken , that'd fox them for sure .
"What do you say ? " asked Patrick plainly .
"Can I have a glass of water , " croaked Ken .
Sid went into the back for water , Ken had thought of dashing out the shop
but hairy Amjit's nose was up against the door , Ken could almost hear his
breathing through the glass .
"You swine , Patrick , " hissed Ken .
"Will you do it ? " demanded Sid as he handed Ken the water .
"Er , " croaked Ken .
"Well will you do it ? " asked Patrick .
Ken gritted his teeth , he looked at Sid , at Patrick , at hairy Amjit ,
there was only one possible reply . Ken took a sip of water and nodded
slowly , like a condemned man chosing how to die .
"Fantastic , just wait till I tell my grandchildren , " yelled Sid , he
was so overjoyed that he patted Ken on the back . Only this made Ken choke
on his water . Sid jumped into action and burped Ken , this made Ken worse
still , so Sid grabbed him and threw him over his shoulder to wind him ,
Sid finished off by sitting him Ken up on the counter .
"Are you o.k. now ? " asked a fatherly Big Sid .
"He looks a little off colour , " said Patrick .
"I'm fine , " croaked Ken .
"Shall I burp him again ? " asked Sid edging towards Ken .
"I think he's o.k. , he's getting his colour back now , " observed Patrick
"I'm fine , just fine , " said Ken as he climbed off the counter , though
now he had a twitch in both eyes .
Outside hairy Amjit jumped forward , as if instinctively knowing Ken was a
postman , Ken jumped out of his skin .
"It's ok Ken , he's just saying hello , " advised an all knowing
Jaswinder .
Ken closed his eyes and hurried away , perhaps there was a rock nearby
which he could crawl under .
The evening before the fete Fr.Shaw was asking Sgt.Mulholland
whether the police would lend a hand , give a display or something .
"I don't know , our new inspector in a tough cookie . He used to live in
the area years ago , now he's come back , only he's the boss now , "
explained Sgt.Mulholland .
"I've been away in the missions for a long time , I'm back too , only that
man there is the boss , " Fr.Shaw pointed to the cross on the wall .
"I could ask for you but he'd more than likely bite my head off , " the
sergeant didn't relish the idea of asking the inspector for a favour .
"Well , I'll do it myself . What's this Dragon's name then , though I'm
certainly no George , " asked a tired Fr.Shaw .
"His name is Inspector T.Howard , " said Sgt.Mulholland .
Fr.Shaw's face cracked , the first light of dawn broke through it .
"And his Christian name ? " asked the old priest .
"Thomas , he insists on Thomas , not Tom , when he's being friendly ,
that's on the rare occasions he is friendly , " explained the sergeant .
The old embers in the priest's eyes glowed again , he knew that name ,
only to him it was little Tommy Howard . The sergeant left the priest to
dwell on the past , or rather on Tommy Howard's past , and how he became
an owner of a bycycle thirty years ago ...
The day of the fete Patrick delivered his milk at breakneck
speed , much of the milk had turned to butter such was the shaking it got
as Patrick scooted around his round . The dairy had donated a float full
of milk too , what with the Bank Holiday it would have gone sour anyway .
At the children's home Mark and Big Sid had arrived early to
get the roast going . Big Sid was amazed to see that Len himself drove the
refridgerated van to the home to deliver the meat .
"Well I had to make sure that only the best got delivered , so I switched
the meat we were going to sent to the Council for some do of theirs for a
third rate piece of foreign stuff . Now the stuff I'm giving you is only
choice meat , the kind you and me have every day at home , " explained Len
"Won't the Council know you've tricked them ? " wondered Big Sid .
"Them burks wouldn't know best British Beef from my arse , besides its the
kids who should have the best not councillors , " Len spoke with passion ,
he'd once tried and failed to get selected for a council seat .
"Thanks Len , " Big Sid's chest swelled with pride , Len might have
reached the heights in the Meat Trade , but he was still a family butcher
at heart .
The pair shook hands , two mighty hands clashed , it was like the sea
crashing on a beach , a coconut could have been crushed , such was the
power of their hands . Meat , friendship , love of children and bullocks
to the Council , all this in one handshake .
"Now you have got some ham for later on haven't you ? I mean people will
get a little peckish later , " Len was really concerned .
"I hadn't thought of that , I suppose I could dash back to my shop and get
some , " Big Sid started to take his apron off .
"Sid , Sid , this is my shout , besides I'm celebrating . My granddaughter
was born last night , 10 pounds 12 ounzes , a bit on the light size for my
family but she's a beauty is little Catherine " Len smiled from ear to ear .
"That's really good , and her mother ate a lot of liver while she was
expecting ? " asked Big Sid .
"Of course . Anyway I'll get some ham ordered , " Len winked , as he
reached into his pocket and brought out a cellular phone .
"Hello its Len here , give me my son Tim . Hello , Tim can you switch the
ham . You know the stuff we were saving for the football team do , you
know the council salutes our heros , as if they'd fought a war or
something . Anyway send that lot down here for four o'clock , if you look
at the back of the number fourteen freezer we have some other ham ,
that'll do our precious heros . Yes , that's all , thanks Tim , " Len
smiled as he put the phone back in his pocket .
"Your a real gem Len , a real gem , " Big Sid hugged Len .
"I'm just doing my bit , besides if you didn't tip me off all those years
ago I'd still only have the one shop , " Len looked at the ground he
didn't have the words to say thanks , but he had the meat !
Patrick arrived on site to see that he had a display of vans ,
they had all happened to park in a row . So now he had the butcher , the
baker , the undertaker , David's dumper truck , Frank's furniture van ,
Peter's Plaice van plus the float he had arrived on . Jimmy had a cloth
spread over the front of his Gold BMW and was valueing things already .
Frank came rushing up to explain his presence .
"You see for two years I've tried to sell this three piece suite , but
nobody wants to know , I even offered to throw in furniture covers but
nobody wants to know . It makes me sick every time I look at the thing , I
cann't believe that I ordered it . Though I did order it for the formica
end of my shop , not for the quality end you see . So all I'm asking is
let me raffle it , œ1 a ticket for a œ350 suite is a bargain . I just want
to get rid of the thing ,as soon as its won I will personally deliver it ,
just to make sure that I never have to see the bloody thing again ! "
Frank was almost begging , he sounded like a manic depressive Arthur
Negus , slagging off furniture instead of praising it .
"Sure Frank , sure , " said an astonished Patrick .
Frank kissed his hand , and skipped away as happy as a sandboy .
Hairy Amjit came running up to his master , in fact Amjit
flattened Patrick , he sat on his chest and licked his face . June dressed
as a baker stood by Patrick's head and laughed .
"That's what I want to see more often , my future husband at my feet ,
adoring me ! " she tossed back her head and laughed .
Hairy Amjit howled , his spit dripping all over Patrick's face . Big Sid
noticed Patrick's position so he whistled for Amjit to come to him . Now
when a butcher whistles a dog comes running , Amjit was no exception and
no fool . Patrick's face was clean enough for now , Amjit had better
things to think about , mainly his stomach . So leaping backwards and
treading on Patrick's naughty bits Amjit was gone , stomach first so to
speak . Patrick his face wet from Amjit , slowly got to his feet , a
pained expression on his face . June laughed again , so Patrick went
crosseyed .
"I hope there's no permanent damage , " she smirked .
"I'll get you at playtime , " said Patrick as he started to tickle her .
Winston and Curly arrived behind them were a Pentecostal Choir
its leader being Wiston's mum .
"Mum insisted on coming , they are off to London in a few days for a
competition , but mum said it would open their throats , " explained
Winston as he shrugged his shoulders .
"I also said that I'd kick him , Curly and their damnation Pirate Radio
out of my house if they didn't let us sing the Praises of The Lord , "
beamed his mother from under her Sunday best large hat .
"Well sing then , " said Patrick not knowing what to say .
David and Patrick dashed into the children's home for a few benches for
the choir to sit and stand on . In a few minutes time the Black Country
Pentecostal Choir Champions began singing . Winston put up a sign saying
"Jesus Jukebox" , his mother was going to belt him , Sunday best or no
Sunday best . June tactfully said it was true and did they know "Abide
with Me " . So that's what they became , the "Jesus Jukebox" , throw a
pound in a bucket and shout out your request . Now the saying is the Devil
has all the best tunes , today he didn't . The girls in Pentecostal Choirs
always look as if they could be the Devil's playthings , such is their
beauty , but these beauties were the Lord's . They sung like angels though
some passing stranger might wish they weren't !
Wayne had not been a slouch either , he'd recently seen a
documentary on Bob Geldof , so Wayne had copied his tactics . He had told
several breweries that he needed a few barrels at short notice for the
childrens' home fete , could he have time to pay , as the pub was going
through a bad patch and he was even thinking of selling up . Now the men
from the breweries began to twitch when they heard this news , so much so
that they offered the beer for free , it was good public relations after
all , the kind breweries helping a childrens' home . Of course the thought
didn't cross their minds that Wayne might look kindly on them , should he
decide to sell . All Wayne had said was that he was thinking of selling .
Wayne had arranged the loan of a tent or two or three for that
matter from the breweries . He had also arranged that the beer would be
delivered at the same time . So when the breweries unloaded they saw that
another brewery was helping too , now they wouldn't want to be outdone
would they ? So what started as one barrel each became two barrels each
and so on , till for a finish Wayne had five barrels each off all the
breweries , Bob Geldof would have been proud of him . Wayne had made the
breweries play a game of poker with each other , only there was one winner
and it wasn't the breweries ! Betty and Annie had thought their father
was daft to have all the beer come at once , when they realised what their
old dad was up to they were proud , so proud , the old dog certainly knew
a few tricks . Now that much beer would be more than enough , in fact too
much , only Real Ale drinkers could drink so much . So Wayne had dialed
the daisy chain line of the Real Ale Magazine , his one call had led to
hundereds in the Black Country alone , all are called but only few answer,
but when they answer you know about it . Real men had cried like little
boys as their wifes had said yes , but with the usual strings attached ,
an enormous grunt went up over the Black Country as forgotten tasks were
done ; these men weren't bitter , the tasks over they were on their way to
heaven , a Real Ale heaven , and a children's home would benefit .
Everything seemed to be going well , people had drifted in and
a crowd of two hundred or so were there . Then Patrick started to hop
about and cluck like a chicken , he'd realised they had no P.A.
"What's up , you look as if you'd discovered you were pregnant , " asked
an anxious June .
"We've got no P.A. that's what's up , I mean we need it for announcements
and things , " replied a flustered Patrick .
"We're doing o.k. so far , why bother ? " asked a practical June .
"We just need it that's all , " answered Patrick , the skin tightening
over his face as he shook his head at her .
At that moment Georgio , a friend of Franks arrived , he was
driving one ice cream van and two of his ten children were driving two
more vans . Frank had forgotten to tell Patrick that Georgio would be
coming , people always like ice cream at fetes , so Georgio would be there
to do his bit , profits for the day going to the children's home .
"Come on buy me an ice cream , it'll calm me down , " said June taking
Patrick by the hand and leading him to the first ice cream van .
Patrick bought a 99 for himself and a triple 99 for June . Mrs Georgio
smiled ,she looked like a Goddess , bearing ten children had had no effect
on her figure .
"When is the baby due ? " asked Mrs Georgio .
"How do you know ? " asked June as she devoured her ice cream .
"How do I know and me a mother of ten , its in your eyes , its in your
breasts , that's how I know . Besides I used to eat triple 99s when I was
pregnant too ! " laughed Mrs Georgio .
"Five is a nice number , but ten is even better , " boomed Georgio , as he
rolled up his sleeves revealing his strong as steel arms .
June arched her eyebrows and looked at Patrick , he blushed , he was
beginning to hate this penance business , everybody seemed to be making
suggestions . Patrick looked at the sky and sighed , it was then that he
noticed the loudspeakers on the ice cream vans . He kissed June because he
was so happy , only June still had the ice cream to her face , the pair of
them looked like mucky children .
Patrick ran away to find Winston and Curly , June had another
triple 99 , they were very good . If she knew that Georgio's 99s had an
aphrodisiac effect she wouldn't have , that's how Mrs Georgio was a mother
of ten after all ! Patrick returned and pointed to the loudspeakersa on
top of the ice cream van .
"I suppose we could rig something up , from my van to these , it wouldn't
be very good . And you'd have to space out the ice cream vans , but its
possible , " said Wiston as he played with his Babylon badged .
So that was settled , a P.A. system was devised from three ice cream vans
and Winston's van . Curly raced back and forth wiring everything up , the
stereo speakers from Winston's van were taken out and placed on top of the
van , they were as big as suitcases . Winston liked his music loud , with
a capital L . With a little more jiggery pokery at the end of fourty five
minutes a P.A. system was set up . Mrs Georgio gave June a third triple
99 , she also pondered on June herself .
"How many brothers and sisters do you and your man have ? " asked Mrs
Georgio , standing with her hands on her hips .
"We are both only children , " slurped June .
"Then having looked at your breasts I think five children will be good for
you , " she said solemnly .
"No six is a better number , " observed Mr Georgio .
Mrs Georgio leant out from the ice cream van and squeezed June's left
breast , it had to be the left one , the one by the heart .
"Yes , you are right , six children will be just right for you , " Mrs
Georgio nodded , the verdict had been made .
The P.A. system was ready , Winston came up with the microphone in his
hand . Patrick didn't know what to say , June solved his problem .
"Mrs Georgio has looked at my breasts and she says six children would be
good for them , or rather for us , so it'll have to be six , once this
first one is born , what do you think Patrick ? " June's voice echoed all
over the children's home playing field .
"Er , er , er , " was Patrick's echoed startled reply .
The crowd all looked in their direction , a hugh smile on everybody's
face .
"Well is that a yes ? " asked June her voice echoing all over .
"Er , er , yes ? " said a confused Patrick .
A cheer went up , Winston fed a tape through the system by accident , it
was "Cann't get enough of Your Love " . Laughter rained on them , Patrick
wished the earth would swallow him up .
"Come on , cheer up , you do love me don't you , why be ashamed ? " June
looked Patrick in the eye .
"I'm not ashamed , its just that I never seem to get any privacy that's
all , " Patrick looked at the ground , why was there never any normality
for him , everything seemed to be advertised , he just wanted to be alone
with June .
"Come on then give us a kiss , " teased June .
So they kissed , Patrick didn't care that June tasted of ice cream and
Cadbury's chocolate flake , in fact it made it better ! Mrs Georgio and
her husband looked on , it reminded them of themselves , their first had
been conceived in an ice cream van .
"I think that with a bit of effort they could have ten , " observed Mrs
Georgio .
Her husband kissed her , perhaps they would make it eleven for themselves.
Mrs Murphy was making her way through the crowd when she heard
the P.A. announcement , it had made her heart jump with joy . That Italian
woman certainly knew what she was talking about , and wouldn't it be
great . Mr and Mrs Kemp had also heard the announcement , they were making
their way through the crowd from another direction . Both arrived by the
ice cream van to see June and Patrick kissing , Georgio and his wife were
doing the same . Mrs Murphy glowed , this was great , she wanted more of
this. Mrs Kemp was disgusted she needed a drink , so Mr Kemp went with her
to the drinks tent .
The drinks tent was being ran by Wayne and family . His girls
had dressed for the part , like Saint Trinians school girls , with short
skirts and stocking and suspenders . They provided the leering looks
themselves , Wayne had tried to persuade them not to dress like that but
girls will be girls , and the twins were certainly the twins . So Wayne
did what any father would do , he put up a large sign . It read "Yes they
are my daughters , and yes I do have a shotgun behind the bar " , in fact
he had a horn with a compressed gas can attached to it . Any nonsense and
he'd hoot , and then he'd beat the living daylights out of them !
Crowds had built up at the fete and in the bar , and why ? Well
Fr.Shaw had spoken to Inspector T. Howard . He had reminded him when he
was little Tommy Howard , and how he had stolen a priest's bycycle ,
Fr.Shaw's bycycle , now he wasn't one to tell tales , a priest hears
confession and doesn't spill the beans . Yet , he could be tempted , as
the inspector wasn't a Catholic and a crime is a crime after all , and
there is no Statute of Limitations in England after all . So with a little
arm twisting the inspector had decided to help .
Now a policeman must always do his duty and show no favour , so
Tommy Howard did that . And how ? Well there are emergency plans and civil
defence plans which get dusted off occasionally , rather like the old
Green Godesses . So that Saturday happened to be chosen as a day for civil
defence practice , which means get all traffic off main roads and divert
them down small roads . Now the children's home was off a small road , so
if people who were diverted happened to pass it , once or twice or even
three times , thanks to careful civil defence planning , then it was their
free will to go into the childrens' home and enjoy a fun day out . It
would be better than driving backwards and forwards for an hour or so ,
the Police have to do their duty after all , for the good of us all , and
should a childrens' home benefit then that was no fault of the Police was
it ? It might be the fault of a Police Inspector , but the fault of the
Police , nothing to do with them , nothing at all . Little Tommy Howard
wasn't an inspector for nothing was he ?
So it was that Fr.Shaw was in the bar telling Wayne all this ,
Sgt. Mulholland was at his side having a refreshing cup of coffee , he
couldn't drink on duty could he . The fact that it was 50% proof coffee
now that was a natural calamity , a pity to ruin good Nescafe , but when a
police officer is invited to have a coffee it is his civic duty to accept
and should it turn out to be 50% proof then he just has to suffer , for
the sake of good community relations . As Sgt.Mulholland was a very good
Community Policeman he suffered for his duty , three or four times he
suffered , but he didn't complain , because that's the kind of copper he
was . The perfect laughing policeman , when he had heard about his
inspector .
Wayne waddled out from behind the bar when he saw Mrs Murphy
enter the tent , rushing towards her he shook her hand , after all in a
manner of speaking the do for the children's home was Patrick's and June's
Engagement Party . He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of
Guinness , he handed it to her and began looking for a glass .
"Oh its alright , no need for a glass , " Mrs Murphy put the bottle to her
lips and drank .
Mrs Kemp looked around to see Mrs Murphy , she would never drink from a
bottle , she'd forgotten how she had the other day when she heard she was
to be a grannie .
"In every bottle of Guinness a baby is born , no doubt that's how her son
took advantage of our daughter , " she said looking down her nose .
"This is supposed to be a celebration for the children's home , not a
vendetta , " said Mr Kemp .
"Vendetta sounds such a nice word sometimes , " said Mrs Kemp looking at
her nails , as if readying them to scratch somebody's eyes out .
"Come on , lets get a drink , " urged Mr Kemp as he made his way through
the crowd in the bar .
Betty climbed on top of a table so she could shout .
"Can we have those glasses please , no glasses means no drink ! "
"Yes no glasses means no drink ! " echoed Annie who had got Mathew to lift
her up above the crowd .
A shout went up , a slow procession of men in duffle coats were carrying
eight barrels of beer towards the tent , all they lacked was a trumpet
blowing herald . Annie and Betty ran to greet them .
"Uncles , uncles , uncles , " yes it was the men from Uncle alright , the
duffle coats gave them away , it was the Real Ale Men .
Don the lead uncle handed a fistful of labels to the twins , the girls
laughed , he hadn't forgotten . So the girls quickly ran about tying the
labels to the men . There were 150 Real Ale men to be labeled , all
wearing their duffle coats in honour of Wayne's girls , it took quite a
while for all to be labeled but labeled they had to be . Others in the
crowd began to laugh at the sight , but the Real Ale Men took these things
seriously , Tradition was Tradition after all . With all due ceremony
their gift was brought into the bar , Wayne smiled his thanks and wiped
away a tear . His one phone call had brought this , all for the sake of
the children .
"Well , we wanted to help , so we got some of the brewers in other areas
to help too , " Don waved his hand over the two" four packs" they were
carrying .
"I think we might run out of glasses , " said Wayne sucking his bottom
lip.
"No problem , " said Don as he coughed before addressing the duffle coated
army .
"Men , present arms ! " he ordered .
As one in a giant flourish they each brandished two plastic glasses . The
coat pockets of the duffle coats do have their uses after all . A round of
applause greeted the sight of their glasses , Betty and Annie did
cartwheels , showing their navy blue knickers . This brought another round
of applause , Maureen their mother fainted and Wayne blew his horn and
told his daughters to stop flashing their knickers . The girls then had an
idea , as they hated washing glasses , why not make people pay to do it ,
a few more pounds for the home would be raised too . They both had read
Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn as children , as well as Paddington Bear .
Soon from the massed ranks of the Paddington Bears and the normal people a
queue had formed , to pay for the priviledge of washing glasses !
Smiling Paul had turned up too , he wanted to put a sign up
saying "Honest Smiling Paul Your Bookie" , only Sgt.Mulholland had warned
him of the Trade Description act , so his sign just said "Bet Here" .
People did bet too , Smiling Paul took bets on anything . The colour of
the next person to bet's shirt , the age of the third person to walk past
his pitch . He even had spiders in a jar , he had spider races , he even
had a handicap system to race the spiders . He handicaped them by taking
one of the legs off , all done most humanely with his cigarette lighter ,
only a few times the whole spider ignited and the spider scrambled away
like a dying comet . So Smiling Paul took bets on how long a spider would
burn , of course with bets like these it was the children who lost the
most money , but they loved it the most . Smiling Paul even had a guess
the weight of his briefcase competition , the answer would be revealed at
the end of the day when the weight of money would be taken . Guess the
number of drunks to fall over within a ten yard range of the beer tent was
a particular favourite , with drunks who hadn't yet fallen over . He even
had bets on telling the time . How this one worked was somebody would look
at their watch , as soon as this happened Smiling Paul would ask them the
time , if the person DIDN'T look at their watch again then Paul had to pay
out to the man making the bet . As people always look at their watch when
you ask them the time , even if it is seconds since they last looked at it
Paul was Smiling . People always look at their watch , so Paul won all the
time on that one , Private Walker of Dad's Army would have been proud of
him .
The Pentecostal Choir were beginning to flag , the last notes of
When the Saints Go Marching In drifted over the field , only they didn't
fade away for the tune was taken up by a band . Faint at first but growing
in strength and power , the sound was unmistakable . It grew and grew till
it was bold and brassy , it became a quality sleeze sound . And who was
making this devilish sound , none other than Jimmy's Jewish Jazz Band , a
collection of 25 of the best Jazz men from the Midlands . Each wore a
tee shirt with Jimmy's Jewish Jazz Band on it , Jonathon the son of one
of them was in the screen printing business , so he'd made up the tee
shirts . The Jazz men glided through the crowd , Jazz musicians never
hurry they just ooze , they play as easily as they breath . This is how
the band made its way to headquarters , Jazz men are no fools so as they
played they headed straight for the beer tent . All but four of them that
is , four went towards the main building , when one tune had finished the
four by the main building began playing Strangers On The Shore , the old
Acker Bilk hit sounded great as it echoed off the walls of the childrens'
home . As they played the other 21 had a drink or two or three , then
seemingly without effort they joined in , a Jazz man could fall down the
stairs such as at the Waterworks Club and still be in tune as he hits the
bottom , and then he'd have a drink , say hello to his friends before
effortlessly joining in whatever is playing . If the Pentecostal Choir was
the Jesus Jukebox , then Jazz is the Devil's own music , for it reaches
the parts other music cannot reach , which is appropriate as Jazz and
drinking go hand in hand , and why not ?
Jimmy smiled from ear to ear as he saw and listened to the sound ,
his one phone call had brought all this , a band with 1000 years of
experience in it , even Methousella would be impressed . Ronnie Scott has
finally reached the Midlands , he too would have been impressed , only he
wasn't there . Mr Kemp was , he decided on the spot to get Jimmy's Jewish
Jazz band to play at the forthcoming Freemasons function .
"Abraham , Issac , David , Jossua , Moses , Zac , Saul , " began Jimmy as
he went around slapping the band on the back , shaking his head in
amazement .
"It's ok , its like you said , Catholics are just Jews gone wrong , beside
its for the sake of the children , " said Moshae with a smile , before
pausing to play his part in the next tune , then breaking off again to
have a drink , then laughing .
Fr.Shaw came and blessed the band , he even had a word or two
for them in Yiddish , he laughed the most went told that Catholics were
just Jews who'd gone wrong . From the confessions he heard he knew just
how far wrong Catholics could go ! One of the many cars to be misdirected
accidently on purpose towards the childrens' home was a Rolls Royce . In
the Rolls Royce was a very important man , a Japanese man , a man who'd
been this way before , sixteen years or more before . By his side was a
man grown fat on the profits of hard work , bloody hard work , his name
was John Allenby . As the car went past the Japanese man looked , though
old his eyesight was still good , wasn't that Wayne the publican . So John
Allenby and the Japanese man came in to say hello .
The old Japanese man looked at Wayne , he saw two girls dressed
most strangely , he noticed a weeping willow of a woman . He licked his
lips , he had remembered the Special Reserve , though he had finished his
bottle years ago , he still had the empty bottle . The men in the duffle
coats with labels on seem most strange , his English had improved , but
the customs of the English always seemed to fox him . While the old
Japanese man was thinking of the past , the present touched his arm . It
was Fr.Shaw , in perfect Japanese he was welcomed , the mystery of the men
in duffle coats was explained . They talked in Japanese .
"But how do you a priest know Japanese ? " he asked .
"I was a missionary in Africa for years , the only company I had was the
radio . So I started listening to the shortwave , I found Radio Japan and
learnt the language from it . I even wrote saying it was a pity I did
not have a cassette thingy otherwise I could record the language lessons.
So they sent me a fancy radio cassette thingy plus some solar cell things,
it was very nice of them , " explained Fr.Shaw .
"But Japanese is a very hard language for the English to learn . "
"For the English maybe , but I'm Irish , Kerry Irish , from Castleisland .
Besides I am a Jesuit , the Samuri of The Church , " said Fr.Shaw from
beneath his eyebrows .
John Allenby returned from the bar with a bottle of Special Reserve ,Wayne
always had some ready for special friends . The old Japanese man's face
lit up like a Christmas tree , he had a tear in his eye , there was magic
in the air that day he knew it . Fr.Shaw knew it , perhaps he could
persuade the Japanese man to invest in the future , in the children .
Fr.Shaw looked around , his gaze fell on Mrs Murphy , her hand immediately
went into her pocket . She would help him , no she didn't have a gun in
her pocket , but he was glad to see her do it . Her pocket breathed , it
jumped , it was as if there was a frog inside it . The only frog inside ,
was a pair a frog rosary beads , a friend had brought them back from
Lourdes for Mrs Murphy . With one hand in her pocket Mrs Murphy had begun
to pray , her other hand held a Guinness , but what of it , she prayed
anywhere . The look on Fr.Shaw's face told her to pray , so pray she did ,
even if it did look as if she had a frog in her pocket .
The Jazz band played in one corner of the grounds , a refreshed
Pentecostal Choir sang in another , people bet and drank . Ken the Postman
Pat arrived and the kids got on his nerves . While all this went on
around the childrens' home , at the eye of the storm were Mrs Murphy , and
Fr.Shaw wrestling in Japanese .
After the seventh hundreth time being called Postman Pat , Ken
had developed a twitch again , so he decided to hide in the crowd . The
children thought it was just a great game , so they followed him , but Ken
was very light footed . First he hide in the beer tent , he downed two
pints of Guinness and one of bitter , then he borrowed one of the Real Ale
men's duffle coat . So he was undetectable , or so he thought , Mathew
brought him an enormous sandwich with compliments from Big Sid .
"It's fun being Postman Pat , I wish I could do that . " said Mathew .
"All that glitters is not gold , " was Ken's sage reply .
"Yes you are right , sometimes its Cadbury's chocolate , " observed Mathew
as he went away .
Ken scratched his head and wondered what that meant , sometimes he thought
Mathew wasn't simple at all , just too deep for understanding , Ken had
now had his fourth pint . He belched , the contented belch of a happy man.
One enterprising child stood in the doorway or flap rather of
the beer tent , she tapped her foot and folded her arms in disgust , fancy
Postman Pat drinking even if he wasn't the real Postman Pat . She tapped
her foot again , as she tapped more and more children gathered , they were
like Red Indians surrounding the settlers . Her foot tapping was like the
drums beating , behind her Big Sid and Mark's pig roast provided the smoke
signals . One by one the duffle coated army turned to see why there was a
crowd of children in the entrance .
"I'll count to ten , then we're coming for you , " shouted the little Miss
Ken looked around in alarm , he bolted like a frightened deer , breaking
from his camouflage of a duffle coat . He had forgotton to take his hat
and sack off , so it wasn't very good in the first place . As Ken ran out
the back entrance the children stormed through the tent in hot pursuit ,
they patted their mouths making the best Red Indian noises they could .
From his grandstand postion by the food Big Sid's chest swelled
with pride , how nice Ken was being just for the sake of the children .
"He's a good un is our Ken , " said Sid .
"He's a fine fellow that's sure , " added Mark .
Ring a ring of roses a pocket full of posees , ashes in the water ashes in
the sea , and we all fell down . First Ken ran one way around the crowd ,
then turning on his heels as he did when he saw dogs on his round , he ran
the other way . Round and round the garden like a teddy bear , one step
two steps , ran Ken like the bear running away from Teddy Roosevelt .
Goosey goosey gander where shall I wander , unstairs and downstairs and in
my lady's chamber . It was as if all the worse parts of Nursery Rhymnes ,
were coming to pass , and Ken was the victim . Go up into the attic , go
down into the cellar , you can do them both together Cinderella . When
over one hundred and fifty children are chasing you , you tend to imagine
all sorts of things . Ken shook them off by diving into the ladies loo .
Which way did he go , did you see a princess ? I saw no
princess just a servant , she was dressed in rags , she did not look like
a princess , replied the guards in their high hats and blue stockings .
A scream went up , a battered Ken emerged from the ladies loo , Mrs Kemp
was leading the battering , she had a good left hook on her , Henry Cooper
would have stood no chance . "Leave him alone " yelled the children , for
a minute they felt sad for him , they closed their eyes and counted and
shouted to ten , then they'd be after him . With fear in his eyes Ken
flew , straight into the arms of Wiston .
"Help hide me quick , " begged Ken , his eyes gone wild like balls in a
pin ball machine , only he was losing points not gaining them .
Winston shoved him into his van and covered him with a coat , Ken was
deafened as the van was the source of the P.A. and music . He felt like
the Hunchback of Notre Dame , only he was the Postie hiding from the Damn
Children , the P.A. , the P.A. .
Mathew came with food from Big Sid and drink from Wayne , they
both knew where Ken was , in fact all the adults knew , but luckily for
Ken the children did not . The gulf between adults and children was
proving to be a lfe saver that day . Hairy Amjit even came to say hello ,
Ken bribed him with a piece of beef . Once the beef was eaten hairy Amjit
let out a howl and ran away from the van as if he was following Ken . This
gave Ken a chance to escape from the sound of music , there were no hills
just the sound of music .
So while the children ran one way after hairy Amjit , Ken ran
the other , he was out in the open he had to find cover . So he went and
hid amongst the Jesus Jukebox . Meanwhile Smiling Paul had taken advantage
of this random hare race , he was taking bets as to where Ken would be
found next and how long it would take the kids . If there was a sixpence
to be made then Smiling Paul would make it and turn it into a shilling .
Smiling Paul was excited , once he had done a bit of on course betting ,
that had been a thrill , but here amongst the crowds it was open season .
He even had bets on how many people would tie up their shoe laces in a
given five minute period , naturally all the Chinese in the Crowd had
gravitated towards him . There was no kidding them , Smiling Paul may look
like an pale Asterix the Gaul , but they could tell , he was really a
Chinaman ! Between them they formed a human Nintendo game , Smiling Paul
firing the ball and it bouncing off all of them , their eyes registering
the scores and the near misses . To bet on Ken was the ultimate bet , it
was almost a blood sport .
Ken found his voice amongst the choir , he began to enjoy
himself , he sang his heart out . Only he had made a slight mistake , he
was the only white man , in the West Indian choir , children sometimes
cannot see the wood for the trees but he ws pushing his luck a little .
The little Miss came and stood in front of the choir , she scratched her
head , as the rest of them ran one way then another after hairy Amjit . It
is amazing what a dog will do for a bribe , besides Amjit liked being
chased . The little Miss looked all about , then she scratched her head
again , till slowly she turned around , she had him in her sights . She
folded her arms and shook her head , he had been caught cheating again ,
she gave him her best policewoman's stare like W.P.C. Martella off The
Bill . Ken gulped , he knew the game was up , though he did wriggle on the
line , he changed his position in the choir . The little Miss shook her
head , the other children still rushed by , one or two stopped . Ken
changed his position in the choir , one or two more children stopped by
the choir , the little Miss shook her head again . Hairy Amjit howled , he
was trying to distract the children again , but it was no use , little by
little they all stopped next to the little Miss .
Smiling Paul changed the bet with the Chinese , he had a trick
in the tail even if Ken haddn't . The Chinese took the new bet , as one
they yelled encouragement as only the Chinese can . Ken changed his
position in the choir several more times , he was trying to hide in
somebody else's aura . The little Miss shook her head again and again and
again . The Jesus Jukebox sang Amazing Grace , and the little Miss who
would one day be a Police Inspector smiled and even laughed , Grace was
her name after all , the little girl laughted to see such fun and the dish
ran away with the spoon , or rather Ken clutching his bag bolted .
While all this went on Fr.Shaw and the Japanese man wrestled ,
their ring was Mrs Murphy's beads , a deal was to be had , just a little
persuasion was needed . Balbinder , Amjit's wife , was holding a Sari
dressing competition , Ken came running towards her . As quick as a flash
Ken was engulfed in a saffron sari , though he did look more like a mummy
than an Indian lady . The children dashed back and forwards , they had
lost him . Ken breathed easily for a while , Mathew came with a pint and a
straw for him , while Mathew held the drink Ken sipped . Ken was very
thirsty what with all the running about , so Mathew brought another pint
and a straw , when you drink through a straw you get drunk fast , as no
air is mixing with the drink . Perhaps the same thing happens with babies
and mothers milk , no air just pure milk , so babies like drunks have that
wide eyed happy expression . Whatever the truth of it Ken was now
dribbling like a baby .
Little miss Grace stopped and let her eyes do the walking ,
perhaps she'd sell Yellow Pages in the future , if she wasn't a Police
Inspector , who knows ? Soon she spotted him , his hat and sack were
engulfed in saffron but the Postman Pat look could not be be hidden , he
looked as if he was covered in saffron cling film to keep him fresh .
Balbinder saw little miss Grace , she whispered in Ken's ear , on the
count of three . With a mighty heave , like a crack of a whip , Ken
rippled out of his covering and spun like a top , he glided like a
Birmingham Royal Ballet dancer , straight through a gap in the massed
ranks of the duffle coated Real Ale drinkers . It was only a small gap
but Ken spun through it , Balbinder had put a lot of spin on her pull ,
she had recently been bowling at Stirchley , now the technique had been
put to good use . Ken was safe .
"After him ! " yelled Grace just like the Wicked Witch of the West.
The hoards of children stormed through the gap , Ken's very life was at
stake now , Balbinder crossed her fingers for him . Go Ken , go . The
Chinese screamed too , they had just lost another bet to Smiling Paul ,
but the excitement of it all , it was too much . Ken had more lives than a
cat , the lucky dog . Frank was displaying a carpet just as Ken came
hurtling through the duffle coats , Ken fell , the children would tear him
linb from limb . Oh no they wouldn't , oh yes they would , you wanna bet ,
show me your money , Smiling Paul took another hundred . Frank quickly
wrapped Ken up in the carpet , just as sweets used to be wrapped in a
paper cone , now it was a carpet of Ken . Then with a heave Ken was thrown
into the back of Franks furniture van .
Ken had disappeared off the face of the earth , alliens must
have taken him , so though the kids . At that moment a Rolls Royce
appeared , Andy was driving , he parked next to the Japanese man's Rolls .
There were newly weds inside , the bride had been brought up at the home ,
so she had insisted in coming back to say hello . June let go of Patrick ,
it was lucky to catch the bouquet , she was going to catch it , by hook or
by crook that bouquet was hers . Smiling Paul saw the look in June's eye ,
she looked just like her mother for a second .
Smiling Paul took bets on who would catch the bouquet , the
Chinese nearly wet themselves with excitement , he really must be Chinese
they were sure of it ! June whispered something in hairy Amjit's ear , she
had promised him a whole tube of Rolo , Amjit's soul was hers . So the
wolf behowled the moon and the sea of people parted , the bouquet was
thrown and June caught it , she had the prize , and the hairy dog laughed
to see such fun , and ran away with a tube of Rolo .
Everybody was having a fun day , everybody that is except for
Martin , he'd been diverted to the fair too . He'd seen all the fun , he'd
seen Jimmy and the Jazz band too , it was Jimmy's son's fault that he was
short of cash . So some poxy childrens' home was making all this dough ,
while he barely had enough for his habbit . Martin noticed Smiling Paul's
bulging briefcase , there must be a few thousand in it . Martin looked all
around people were crowding around the Rolls with the bride and groom in .
Martin had an idea , his duffle coat was a great disguise , all he had to
do was grab the money , he could hide amongst the massed ranks of the Real
Ale men .
So it was that Martin won against all the odds . Only
Jaswinder had seen him , she scrambled after him . He saw her and tripped
over his shoe lace , the shoe came off . Smiling Paul wiped his face with
a handkerchief , it had been a great day , the best day in his life . He
may as well start counting his money . Martin was already counting his
chickens before they had hatched , he'd lost a shoe but gained thousands .
"Where's the suitcase gone ! " asked a panic stricken Smiling Paul .
"That man took it , " said Jaswinder .
"Which one love , " asked Paul urgently .
"The one in the duffle coat , " said Jaswinder .
"There's a lot of duffle coats Jaswinder , " said Paul trying to stay
calm .
"He called me a Wog when I saw him , " said Jawinder starting to cry .
"Don't cry Jaswinder , " sighed Paul .
The Chinese looked sad , they had had so much fun and this should happen ,
it was not fair . One of them noticed the shoe on its own .
"Who's shoe is this , " asked a confused Chinaman .
"The man in the duffle coat lost it , he swore at me too , " explained
Jaswinder beginning to cry again .
"We've no chance of catching him now , not in all the crowd , " said a sad
Smiling Paul .
The massed ranks of the children ran by still searching for Ken , Fr.Shaw
and the Japanese man still spoke in Japanese , in a Black Country field .
June and Patrick were kissing again , Big Sid was feeding the five
thousand , though not with five loaves and two fishes . Everybody was
happy , Martin was very happy , yet in one quite corner there was a sad
bookie , he'd had the happiest day of his life now it was spoiled . As for
hairy Amjit he'd sold his soul for a tube of Rolo , but if the sinner
truly repent there is always hope , hope beyond reason , hope beyond hope.
Hairy Amjit came to lick Jaswinders tears away , just who had
hurt his little Indian Princess , upset her and you upset him . He sat in
front of her , his ears down . One of the Chinese suggested half heartedly
that perhaps the animal could find the man , they had his shoe though he
was no Cinderella , he was a thief , the worst kind of thief , who had
stolen from children , and a bookie .
Jaswinder gave hairy Amjit the shoe to smell , then she said the
one word that all dogs the world over love to hear .
"Fetch Amjit , fetch , " said Jaswinder wiping a tear away .
Amjit looked at her , he licked the tear away , then his ears pricked up .
The hare may have a head start put this hound was on the trail . As
one the Chinese leapt for joy , there was another bet to be made , how
many seconds before the thief was caught . They thrust money into Smiling
Paul's hands , he didn't understand it , they were shouting and screaming
in Chinese , it was like Black Monday on the Hong Kong stock exchange .
Amjit let out a blood curdling howl , birds scattered from trees
and babies began to cry , people spun around , Martin began to sweat . The
wolf was after Little Red Riding Hood , come to me my precious precious ,
Amjit licked his lips , he stopped to sniff the air . Howl , howl , howl
he went , there was flavour in the air , there was joy , there were kisses
of love and laughter . There was hope and there was fear , Amjit could
smell the fear , that was the scent he was after . The Chinese leapt every
time Amjit howled , they were his echo , they were his cheer leaders from
behind , they were the pack while he was the dog . Every dog has his day
and today was Amjit's , howl , howl , howl he went .
The sea of duffle coats parted , the Pentecostal Choir sang
Lord of the Dance . The words rang out , its hard to dance with the Devil
on your back , Martin knew what that meant , he really knew , he was
sweating buckets now . Amjit sniffed several of the duffle coated men , no
the duffle coat was not the main scent ,it was the thieving Cinderella's
shoe he was after . Ba ba black sheep have you any wool , yes sir , yes
sir three bags full , echoed over the field . The Jazz men played The
Devil's got my Soul , Amjit had sold his soul for a tube of Rolo , but now
he wanted it back , and the money for the childrens' home too . Howl ,
howl howl he went . Martin began to run , his heart began to pound , fear
was about him . He had given him self away , Amjit howled for joy , in the
distance other dogs echoed his howl , there was fear in the air , and
Amjit was about to eat it . Amjit leapt , Martin spun around , Amjit had
bitten a peice from his duffle coat . The next bite would be him , so
Martin shoved the briefcase down Amjit's throat .
"Heel , Amjit , heel , sit ! " shouted Patrick , who thought his
dog had gone wild .
Martin escaped , Amjit sat with the money between his paws . Patrick came
running up , Smiling Paul and the excited Chinese came running up . The
stop watch showed the winner of the ultimate bet .
"Good boy , good boy , " shouted Smiling Paul hugging all his Chinese
friends .
"What's going on ? " asked Patrick .
"Amjit , saved the day , that man had stolen the money ! " explained
Smiling Paul .
"Oh , " said Patrick his jaw dropping .
Patrick said sorry to Amjit , and reaching into his pocket he gave Amjit
his last Rolo , Amjit had regained his soul too .
"Thanks for your help today , lads " said Smiling Paul .
"We have great day , you come with us to Restaurant and Casino in Hurst
Street Birmingham , we would be honoured , " enthused the Chinese .
"But why ? " asked a happy Smiling Paul .
"We like you , " they all said .
Smiling Paul began to cry , he' thought he'd lost all the monmey ,
including the side bets he'd taken too , and now not only had he got all
his money back , he'd also made friends . It was all too much for him .
But that night he'd celebrate like he'd never celebrated before .
Fr. Shaw spat on his hand and held it out , the most important
Japanese man looked at him for a second , then he spat on his hand and
they shook hands . A deal had been done just as they do deals at Puck Fair
in Fr.Shaw's beloved Kerry . Mrs Murphy leapt for joy , she brought out
her hand from her pocket to applaud , in doing so she sent her beads
flying , they landed on the handshake.
"God works in mysterious ways , " said Fr.Shaw .
"I thought she had a gun in her pocket , " said the Japanese man .
The three of them laughed , but it was the children who had the last laugh
because Japan was going to invest in the children's home , with computers
and electrical material . Fr.Shaw had begged for second hand stuff ,
instead he got the best .
So the childrens' home fete was a great success , everybody was
more than happy , all except Martin . As for Ken he came out of hiding to
hitch a lift home in the back of a hearse , he was dead tired after all
the running around . The children cheered and waved him goodbye , it was
the first time ever that a hearse had been cheered , but perhaps ever
cloud does have a silver lining .
|
mainly comic stories from Birmingham read in 162 countries so far PODAST TOO https://open.spotify.com/show/1wSSIExkhsR97u1jqj0iiR
Sunday, 16 August 2020
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