It's all in the Stars

I was wondering is all the noise in my Tinnitus head due to the comets and solar flaring which are happening right now 25/april 2023

So reason for it

here's an old story very funny from almost 25 years ago

before marriage and kids

and hello to all at StatsMR who read this long ago

yet another story about a man on the shelf

Typsos included just for fun

Michael Casey

13/06/98

 

                       Its All In The Stars ©

 

                          

                              By

 

 

                         Michael  Casey

 

 

 

          Louise  just  loved  to  read her stars  in  the  papers,  but

 

gradually  she  became disillusioned,  they were  too  inaccurate,  too

  

general,  she wanted more detail,  a personal touch, she wanted to know

  

how her life would be.  Not "you'll have a happy day today,  a  surprize

  

could be on its way." She wanted more, so she went to see a clairvoyant,

 

the  clairvoyant   was a gypsie who had pitched her caravan  in  the  Bull

  

Ring.  Louise happened to be there buying new knickers for herself outside

  

Saint  Martins  church when she spotted the sign saying "fortunes  told, 

  

cheap prices, under a fiver to know your future. "

  

           So grasping her knickers in the carrier  she climbed  the  four

  

steps into the caravan.  The fortune teller looked like a rugby player in

  

drag,  but thats normal for fortune tellers,  so Louise wasn't afraid. 

  

She  had  30  mins before she had to get back to  Stats  and  some  report

  

writing  for  Derek  the boss.  The bells of  Saint  Martin  peeled,  a

  

lunchtime service was about to begin, as for Louise she held her breath, 

  

what would the future bring ?

 

       Michael also wanted to know the future.  He read his stars  avidly

  

in the papers,  he'd buy his shopping in Safeways, then once through the

  

checkout he'd read his stars in all the newspapers, before discarding the

  

papers  and leaving with just his shopping,  the papers in a heap at  his

  

feet. He always hoped the stars would tell him when he'd meet the love of

  

his life,  what he failed to notice was that while he had his head in the

  

newspaper,  pretty  women were standing right next to him  browsing  the

  

womens magazines. If only he looked up from the stars.  

  

           Fate would bring these two together, in fact they lived in the

  

same street, but their paths had never crossed, Michael lived at number

  

10  and Louise lived in number 25.  Michael had been a computer  operator

  

for 20 years but when the job ended he took the first job that came along

  

, so now he was a security guard, not one of those thick ones in uniforms

  

,  no he was a guard in the new Travel lodge hotel on Broad street,  the

  

biggest hotel in the city.  He wore a suit and had a nice badge with  his

  

name  on  it,  and he had a nice slim radio.  So he was an  upper  class

  

security guard.  It was the perfect job for him because he liked  meeting

  

people and having a gossip.

 

           The fortune teller had told Louise,  that she'd meet  somebody

  

strong  and  reliable,  though perhaps a little  boring,  things  would

  

happen suddenly and she'd be swept off her feet.  Louise liked strong men

  

why  she'd  been to see the Chippendales four times,  so  she  smiled  to

  

herself as she left the caravan,  clutching her carrier of knickers.  The

  

months  passed  and still Louise hadn't found her Mr Reliable,  she  got

  

offers  of course,  she enjoyed strutting her stuff in pubs all over  the

  

Black Country her and her friend Mary.  Only the offers were always  from

  

men just past their sell  by date, men who would buy you a pint and a bag

  

of  chips and then want to feel more than your hips as she danced  to  70s

  

Glamrock.  So Louise said "Sod It !", as she slapped another man across

  

the face.  Why couldn't men be Gay without being Gay,  you know Gay  men

  

treated you like a lady and didn't grope. Just why couldn't one like that

  

turn up.

  

         Michael finished another 12 hour shift and was  wandering  around

  

  his  flat  naked,  scatching his bum and drinking another 2  litres  of

  

  coca cola.  He switched the telly on and surfed teletext, his HiFi was

  

  on too playing Genesis,  he always read the news on all channels before

   

reading his stars on ITV channel 4, channel 5 and Sky. His whole working

  

life involved working odd hours with even odder people, so he'd never met

  

anybody  who would put up with his lifestyle. Now 40 was on the horizon, 

  

was  he  clutching at straws hoping against hope by reading  his  stars  to

  

cheer himself up. Jo from the kitchen had given him a Xmas card saying "I

  

hope  the  girl of your dreams find you in 98 ",  and the year  was  half

  

over. Michael sighed, at least he could have a quiet cry while he watched

  

weepies  on  Sky and the other channels.  Little Women  was  perhaps  his

  

favourite film,  the ending where the Professor says he has empty hands

  

,  he has nothing to give,  but the girl gave him her hands and said "now

  

they are full".  His own father had nothing when he met his mom, yet she

  

married him,  and yet he married her and her false teeth,  and they went

  

on to have six children.  So Michael watched and weeped,  at least there

  

was refuge and solace in prayer, he had taken up regular prayer when he'd

  

 

read about Padre PIO,and when  his mother died, and to his surprise  his  faith  got

  

stronger.  But still he longed for company, to talk with, to laugh with

  

,  to cry with,  and to wake up with. So he prayed and read his stars in

  

equal dozes.

  

        Louise slammed the door of her flat,  and rearranged her  blouse,

 

that bastard had more hands than an octopus, he'd left his thumb print on

  

her boob too,  and the bra strap was broken too. She have to go down the

  

Bull Ring on Monday and get herself a new red bra,  and new red  knickers

  

too, it was a matching set after all. She flicked on the telly, Central

  

Weekend was still on,  Russell Grant was on,  so she didn't switch off. 

  

He was saying that a proper reading involved study.  Louise examined  her

  

bruised boob as he talked,  still listening she practised her  undressing

  

technique,  it'd been in Mary's Cosmo three months before, so she'd been

  

practising it. Once she met a Gay man who wasn't Gay, he'd have the full

  

benefit of it,  it was all about pleasing him,  so to please yourself, 

  

that's  how Cosmo explained it.  So there she was naked before her  telly

  

with  just Russell Grant smiling at her,  "And its about  examining  your

  

potential and optimizing your best  bits ",  Louise was examining her  boob

  

again,  and her bum, she found another bruise there. So it was standing

  

naked before Russell Grant and a studio audience that she decided to do it

  

herself,she'd go to the library and dig out some books. She'd form  her

  

own future, she'd caste her own fortune.

 

          Michael dried the tears from his eyes, and switched the tv off,

 

scratched  his bum,  then got into bed.  If only a millionnairess  would

  

stop at the hotel and fall in love with him,  well it  happened  in films

 

didn't  it.  His  stars had been contradictory as usual,  so  he  just

  

believed the nice ones. Louise had been switched off the telly when she'd

  

glanced out of her window,  only to see a naked man get into bed. Michael

  

was afraid of the dark you see,  so he always left a chink in his curtain

  

,  and Louise by chance or was it fate ? She had seen him, he was fat and

  

very hairy, but at least he had a big chest, she just loved men with big

  

chests. So sniggering Louise headed for her own bed.

 

          The following Monday Louise dashed up to the Library and got  as

  

many do it yourself Horoscopes books as she could find.  There were  five

  

in  fact. She'd read them all then photocopy the best bits on  the  works

  

photocopier.  No more newspapers for her,  she'd do it herself, she had

  

five minutes left of her lunch hour so she went and got a new matching bra

  

and  knickers from the Bull Ring,  and some grapes too,  she just  loved

  

grapes.  Somebody was selling a telescope too,  so on impulse she bought

  

that too, it was only a fiver. She be able to gaze up at the stars.

 

          Michael had a nice day at the hotel, people seemed to like him,

 

well in five minute doses that is,a millionairess did stop at the hotel,

 

only she was a bitch, who knew she was rich and beautiful and intelligent

  

and  she  wanted the whole world to know it.  If only she had a  dose  of

  

humility  that'd change her thought Michael,  if she'd been through  what

  

he'd  been through.  But Michael smiled and carried all her shopping

  

and put it into a waiting taxi,  as she swore at him for not being  quick

  

enough.  But  his stars had said "You will be mixing with the  rich  and

  

famous", and so he was, by carrying her bags.  

  

  

             Louise dashed home with her carrier full of library  books, 

  

she'd know her future tonight, she was a bit impetuous at times, so she'd

  

work out her future tonight.  She saw the light go on in Michael's flat, 

  

and  she did have a telescope,  so she gave into temptation and spied  on

  

him. He was nice, very nice, then she nearly dropped the telescope, he

  

had a horrid birthmark on his left shoulder, a brown stain all covered in

  

hair. He was a bit like the elephant man, Louise laughed, and then went

  

back  to  her  books.  As for Michael he put the Disney  channel  on  and

  

watched Beauty and the Beast,  he could empathise with the Beast,  he'd

  

been called a beast himself because of his birthmark,  girls had run away

  

from  him because of it.They could put up with him being fat,  but  the

  

birthmark as well,  that was too much. So Michael watched Beauty and the

  

Beast and cried and cried,  some say a man should not cry,  but  Michael

  

knew that was bollocks, it was good to be in touch with your emotions, a

  

good  cry  cleanses  then system.  Recently  he'd  started  listening  to

  

ClassicFM,  cos one of the cleaners had told him about it, and that made

  

him cry too, how could just a few violins and so forth touch your soul in

  

seconds.  But it was nice,  besides they'd never be anybody there to see

  

him cry, so he could be true to his soul, and cry and cry. Humility had

  

been forced upon him,  but once he had it he found it suited

  

him,  he always empathised with the scum of society,  he always  sided

  

with the underdog. 

 

         Louise looked up from her books,  she'd spent five hours reading

  

the  future was hers,  she picked up the telescope again,  this time  to

  

look for Uranus, but the sky had clouded over. So she watched Michael's

  

bum  as he got into bed.  Louise spent weeks reading,  she even went  to

  

West Bromwich library in search of books,  she was confident she knew she

  

always be ok for money,  and that was all that mattered as far as she was

  

concerned,  so long as she could pay the bloody mortgage and could  feed

  

her cat Sam.  One night Mary couldn't come on the razzle,  strutting her

  

stuff  with Louise,  and as Louise had a bit of a cold she stayed in  and

  

watched the telly.  Elephant Man was on, the music was good, but Louise

  

hated the black and white,  and was going to switch it off,  but it  was

  

compelling  in a horrible sort of way.  As she watched she looked out  the

  

window and could see naked Michael, she laughed, then looked back at the

  

Elephant Man, then she laughed "Elephant Man lives over the road, Sam",

 

then the music touched her,  she felt guilty,  a silent tear fell.  She

  

couldn't  bear her guilt so she got up and switched the telly  off,  she

  

didn't  have a remote control.  She put HeartFM on loud to cheer  herself

  

up,  but her eyes were drawn over the road towards Michael's back, so she

  

picked  up the telescope.  "It's not that bad I suppose,  if I were  his

  

girlfriend  I'd shave it." Then she dropped the telescope,  and  reached

  

for  her chocolate, and soon forgot him, HeartFM was great.

 

         Hazel had the flu, so would anybody like a ticket to see Phantom

  

of The Opera. So as it was free Louise had it, she liked classical music

  

too as well as glam rock, so it would be a night out for her and Mary.

 

The Phantom was great, a bit like Disney's Beauty and the Beast really or

  

even  the  Hunchback Of NotreDame,  about  love  crossing  insurmountable

  

barriers.  Michael had once said to his mom,  that he wasn't good enough

  

for  anybody,  and his mother had chided that of course he  was,  Love

  

Conquers All was her message.  And so was the message of Phantom. Louise

  

ate  her chips on the bench outside the Hippodrome,  her mind troubled, 

  

Mary  thought  she was a bit quiet.  Louise lied and said  she  was  only

  

tired.  But once home she got her telescope out and watched Michael's back

  

as  she played the CD of the show that she'd bought. Guilt  overcame  her

  

and she cried, she cried just like a little girl.

 

               Now sometimes fate cannot wait no longer it bursts  on  the

  

scene,  it  demands attention.  Louise was returning the books  to  the

  

library,  she had just bought more knickers from the  Bull Ring. It was

 

while she was crossing the road at the top of Hill Street that she  nearly

  

walked under a bus,  had it not been for a strong hand pulling at her bra

  

strap she would have been dead.  "Pervert" was on her lips,  as she fell

  

backwards, but the noise and shadow of the bus drowned her words.

 

"I could have been killed, " she stuttered, as she got to her feet.

 

"That's why I grabbed you,  your bra strap was what saved you, " replied

  

Michael.

 

Louise looked up to see who had saved her,  she looked deep into his eyes

  

,  his child like eyes.  She screamed and fainted,  he caught her in his

  

strong arms. A full minute later she opened her eyes.

 

"But  its  you,  I've never seen you with your clothes  on,  "  stammered

  

Louise.

 

"Pardon ? " replied Michael not knowing her guilt secret.

 

"You  see,  we are neighbours in Miracle Road  Hillwood,  "  explained

  

Louise.

 

"Here's your knickers," replied Michael as he picked up her carrier  and

  

its spilled contents.

 

"But,  you  saved my life,  " said Louise,  before smothering  him  in

  

kisses, he had saved her life after all.

 

"Let's  go for a coffee in Dunkin Donuts,  " suggested Michael "you  have

  

had  a shock after all.

 

        And so that was how they finally met, it was all in the stars, I

  

think they went on to have twelve children and lived happily ever after, 

  

you get a lot of family allowance with twelve children after all.