Toiletries

Toiletries ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I was in need of toiletries this morning, disheveled and a trifle whiffy when my wife’s friend arrived on our front door step, they were off on a shopping trip together with my daughter too. But they needed the toilet, people always do so they had to navigate my circumference, just like Sir Harry, and then with a sniff leave in disgust they left wondered exactly was the chemical reaction that brought me and my wife together 20 years ago. Ok I did not reek but I hadn’t yet brushed my teeth or shaved and I was wearing house PJs with toothpaste all down the front. I have tidied myself up since then and I have shaved and taken 10 years off my age, not the 3 from last night’s film.

I also had a bad night with my pain, but that’s the norm. Anyway I wouldn’t have written the opening paragraph at all, but I have but it is a good intro for my story. What is the difference between men and woman and their toiletries’ habits. Yes I chose my words to make you think and stop, before I stink and stop. For Toiletries are all about smells after all.

The wife, asked me to get some hand wash and shower gel, why can’t women just use carbolic soap just like men? The answer is that they don’t want my carbolics with stray hairs in, to wash their pure bodies. Your soap is only safe and clean if it comes out a bottle. A bar of soap was all we had when I grew up, ok when I grew sideways. But now married life and daughters mean I have to buy body wash and hand wash. For goodness sake what a load of carbolics, reddish pinkish carbolic soap. Nurses used to smell of it, now we have a million varieties of soap. My old aunty made her own from fat and perfume, I remember telling me this 40 years ago,so it must be true.

So naturally I buy the cheapest from our closest cheap shop, I don’t ask advice on FaceBook about the best soap, and I don’t look for reviews of soap and body wash. By the way I’ve inserted the FaceBook reference because I am NOT ON FACEBOOK. I still get junk fake FB messages that get deleted unopened and unread. I met too many mad people on it years ago, this Mark Zuckerberg guy kept on asking about how to handle Chinese wives, so if you want madness just click on my sites. I wash my hands of it, it’s a load of carbolics.

Up the road the nice girl gave me discount on one body wash, so I bought two, I came home triumphant, holding it aloft like an Olympic torch. Only my girls, my 3 girls said it was cheap rubbish, only fit to wash the cat it when she comes home smelly. The cat glows as they always use my anti-dandruff shampoo to wash her in, its as if she is wearing a brand new fur coat like Zsa Zsa Gabor, but Totoro our cat does always wear fur.

So crestfallen I have to resume my search for the perfect body wash, the next day. And what becomes of my cheapest of the cheap body wash. Well we’ll save that for the next time the cat needs a wash, I just hope her dandruff does not return as mine has.

I tried a different cheap shop, they had nice stuff, but at feet level was the cheapest stuff, a cheap sporting boy’s body wash. So I bought that, it was double the price I paid the previous day, a bargain. And still half the price of what they would prefer, but if they don’t like it they can just use my carbolic soap instead. The body wash does smell stronger and nicer, but not nice enough for their noses, but at least the anti bacterial hand wash was acceptable.

They say that this generation gets diseases because they wash too often and have no immunity, if you dig out Steptoe and Son on UTube there is an episode where they are immune to dysentery. Well that’s about it for today, my computer is back together again, perhaps I need to use more soap on its carbolics to keep it clean and healthy. In the beginning I worked on DEC PDP 1170, google image that and you will be amazed, it will feel as if you have soap in your eyes.