My Snotty Nose

My Snotty Nose ©

By

Michael Casey

Well Chinese New Year is almost upon us, so we’ve had Valentines, Ash Wednesday and now Chinese New Year all in the same week. 2018 is Year of the Dog, and yes as you have guessed I am a Dog. I am also full of snot as I have managed to get a cold, just as Spring is attempting to be sprung. So as an exercise I’m going to see if I can write snot, and yes I know that Lech and Boris and Gregorgi are thinking about my writing. What they should realise is that I can delete them from the Page and all Eternity, so they should show a little respect. They have just blown a raspberry at me, or I think at least it was a raspberry. They deny it,they say they were just clearing their throats, they will be singing Barry White songs in Polish, Ukrainian and Russian to their wives, Derek inspired them last night.

So while they tune their voices with 5 pints of Stella Artois each, I’ll talk Snot. Why was Snot invented? Was it a Lenten punishment to make people stop chattering in church and listen to the priest? If you all all bunged up, or just dripping snot like a leaky tap all you can do is listen and not talk. Mind you some might say when the priest is full of snot his Sermons are better, because they are shorter. I’m sure Don Camillo would have plenty to say about that.

Snot leads to loads of handkerchiefs, you are forever folding and unfolding this dirty dripping rag, so you can find a dry section to wipe your nose on. I can remember doing this as a child. Before tissues were invented or common place. Tissues are for rich people, poor people used handkerchiefs, or their sleeves, or somebody else’s sleeves if they were not looking. Though very young kids just wipe their nose or snot on the wall. Or if you have a kitten, the kitten develops a shiny coat, thanks to toddlers wiping their nose on kitty.

When I was working at Pinsent Masons Law Firm at the Birmingham office, only in the Print Room, right next door to the Law Library. Well when I was there I had my Easter holiday I think it was, only I had a major cold and went through a toilet roll a day for my snotty nose. 7 rolls of toilet paper in a week. As for my other end I cannot remember what the figure was, though now with kidney problems I use a lot of toilet paper. Luckily I had 190 rolls delivered the other day from Wilco. End to end service no doubt.

Your nose turns red like an alcoholic’s when you have a really bad cold, and the skin flakes off, its so sensitive to touch, rather like my left nipple post quadruple heart bypass. Your family calls you Rudolf too as they laugh at your distress, and they pull their jumpers over their heads to avoid catching your pollution. The usual in my house at any rate. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi burn my used toilet rolls in a tin can outside my house, they cannot take a chance with catching my germs. They have entered a competition to sing all Barry White’s songs, if they win its 15 crates of Japanese Vodka. Of course it will never be as good as their countries’ vodka, but 15 crates of vodka is a good prize, Japanese or not.

I’ve ran out of tissues now and the cat had ran away when she heard me say use kittens to wipe snot away. But the singing Trio have left their Cossack hats inside, so I’ll wipe my nose on their hats. They won’t notice, not until they are half way through their Barry White tribute act, and wipe their faces on their hats. And then it won’t be egg left on their faces, no matter how bad they sing. But really I’ve been listening to them, don’t tell them I told you, but I think they will win. So once they have punished the 15 crates of Japanese Vodka, they won’t notice my snot on their faces.

But please don’t tell them or they will bury me in Warley Woods again, and if they’ve drunk all the Japanese Vodka they’ll never remember where they left me.