Trump and Putin make Peace

Trump and Putin make Peace ©

By Michael Casey

Well its Boxing Day and George Michael died yesterday, Last Christmas is playing on Spotify, my Arthur my athritis is playing up but at least I made the family gathering yesterday. I’ve got up and taken my heart pills, after being up earlier in the night due to pain. As I finished my toast we have a sunny morning in Birmingham, there is a flash and Totoro our cat is on the kitchen windowsill rubbing her bum on the window pane, she wants to come back in, she’s visited the half Japanese child and the Polish brothers now she wants to sleep the morning off.

So I wonder what shall I write about, or rather talk about today, then I thought of Peace and Goodwill to All Men, which brings me to Trump and Putin making Peace. Trump tweets Putin, he sends a Christmas email, if it was good enough for Hillary its good enough for him. There are dancing Elves in bikinis with sashes saying Trump 45 on them, plus a crying Hillary having a tantrum on the floor, its everybody’s fault but mine she screams, as cartoon FBI cuff her and drag her away. Like Simpsons but this is real, or surreal.

Putin sends a carrier pigeon in reply, Trump can eat it after it squawks the reply, Putin has a soft side to him that nobody knows, Snowden is living in Putin’s attic above the Kremlin, in the onion thing you see as a tourist. And now he sends Moscow’s answer to KFC especially to Trump.

Trump wants to meet in some place North and cold, but Putin remembers how Reagan played a blinder before so he wants some place hot, so they agree to meet in the sauna at the old post office in DC, its now a Trump hotel.

They arrive and sit naked facing each other, Trump bring out some chilled water, Trump water, they will be drinking Trump’s water, though not Trump’s water, that would be very much like Ghandi. Putin brings best Russian vodka, but Trump who does not drink himself knows that Polish vodka is better so has is substituted while Putin’s back is turned.

So sat naked opposite each other the talks begin. If you can’t stand the heat you should not be in the kitchen after all. Putin compliments Trump on the size of his hands, Trump blushed before putting, putting not Putin, a baseball cap with 45 on his head. The secret service need to be able to tell Trump and Putin apart in all the steam, and after days of negotiation the baseball cap was allowed by the KGB or is it PSB or PMT or GMT, it was some 3 letters anyways.

Putin realised his vodka had been switched and he just loved it to death, why complain when its to your advantage.Polish vodka is so good because Poland has been invaded so many times it would drive you to drink, so vodka really is a reflection of History, but ask your local drinker and he will give you a very drunken History lesson.

Trump just stares at Putin and drinks his water, he smiles his gleaming smile, the dazzling teeth are like a laser and Putin has to squint, a very drunken squint. Trump uses catchphrase after catchphrase, lock her up is replaced with we will send Sarah Palin to Moscow as our ambassador. Putin downs an entire bottle of Polish vodka, that was sneaky and underhand, he thought Trump was a fool that’s why he hit the ceiling  with the broom handle and told Snowden in the attic to screw the Democrats and help Trump.

Putin’s head swam and who let Trump’s dog, mad dog out, all it did was howl and howl. So Putin threw a bottle of vodka at it, only this mad dog just caught it and drained it before  howling the more. Putin realised Trump was no fool it was just a front, so he drained another bottle of vodka. Trump must have a Costco card, how else could he get that many pallets of Polish Vodka, and it was only a Tuesday.

This much Polish vodka on a Tuesday, he must have pull with the alcohol sales replenishment team, or he must have worked in hotels. Putin’s head throbbed, wasn’t Trump a hotelier, he seemed to remember something from his pre talk briefing, but that was 9 or 17 bottles of Polish vodka ago. Putin cursed and threw 2 more bottles of vodka at Trump’s howling mad dog, who just smiled and drained them.

Lets play hide and seek suggested Putin who ran screaming and naked from the old post office without even a stamp to hide his modesty. Trump just laughed and clicked his fingers, his red, white and blue shell suit was zipped up around him, he didn’t want to show his hands after all.

Putin ran to his sub parked in the river, and soon he was down the hatch. Mad dog laughed like Mutley, the secret service surrounded Trump, all naked with their weapons on show, and yes the  secret service have great big weapons. Trump knocked on the hatch, open up open up or I’ll huff and I’ll puff. Putin refused, Trump improvised, his mad dog peed all over the Russia nuclear submarine. Ok I’ll give you 3 hours head start and then I’m coming to get you, he’d seen the film The Hunt for Red October after all.

Mad dog had peed an awful lot on top of the USSR Stalin, it was actually a fluorescent marker which would leave a trail, dogs, mad dogs love following trails after all. Trump went and played a round of golf with Barron while Putin had his head start. The secret service did put their clothes back on, they impounded all the Polish vodka first, after switching the labels for Trump water. Their mess room in the White House could always do with a bit of extra water.

Barron beat his dad at golf, again, Trump did not mind at all, in fact it made him proud so proud. Meanwhile Putin wanted to drive the submarine only he pressed the wrong button and the submarine sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor. Mad dog had finished leaving his scent everywhere when he got the message, the USSR Stalin was stuck, tow trucks don’t do that stuck.

So Trump resisted the temptation to say leave him there, and said save the USSR Stalin, mad dog whimpered for a bit, but he liked moustaches, Stalin had one like John Bolton’s the Fox pundit who failed to make the grade for Trump 45, so like a good puppy dog he asked his friends in the Marines to save Putin.

Now this event was played as a signal of future cooperation between two great powers. While Putin was down there in the dark he had his Religious conversion, for it was not just Polish vodka he’d been consuming, Timothy Leary himself was added to the vodka, but the USA had “borrowed”an Olympic anti drugs person from the USSR. So nobody was the wiser, if you want to fool a fool then you use the fool’s own fool.

Putin realised that he didn’t have enough money for an arms race but  he could teach USA about the Ocean floor, his subs had spent decades hiding there, and they could cooperate on Space travel, and it would be so much cheaper, and he could be a hero, without taking his shirt off and riding a horse.

3 days later when Putin was saved he gave Trump his idea, in return for a train load of Polish vodka, marked as Trump water. They say that somebody is so mean they wouldn’t even give you their piss, but Donald was giving his water, which was really Polish vodka, in disguise.  

The Pope praised both, he knew all about water being turned into wine, but not about Trump water turned into Polish vodka. To celebrate Trump took Putin for a game of golf, and Putin slaughtered Trump. Trump laughed, he’d negotiated international peace and a 50% nuke cut, so losing a game of golf did not matter. Putin did reveal how his golf was so good, he had gotten Snowden who lived in his attic to hack Tiger Woods’ computer. So you see Putin had done his homework. Putin did ask when they had stopped laughing and Trump had paid  Putin 100dollars for the loss of the golf game. Where did you get your dog from, no not Barron’s dog but the little mad dog. Oh I got him from the United States Marines Corp, he was a present, replied Trump his chest swelling with pride.