On my desk

On my Desk ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I’ve come back from the shops and am glad to be back in the shade. I said I’d try and write about what’s on my desk so here I go, you can join in where ever you are, and write something so much better than that fat old guy in Birmingham. Some of you are so cruel, I bet you don’t own a mirror, nor a comb, nor a razor, or if you own a razor you are a woman who really really needs it. So beware this writer does bite you know as Laura once said.

Now putting my fake smile back on, I am a Politician after all. When you look at your desk what do you see? Is it so cluttered you cannot even see the colour of the desk? If it is then stop and get a bucket and throw away the rubbish first. Yes those fast food containers, those mugs with the dregs of coffee or tea inside, with a half eaten banana stuffed inside. Those pencil sharpenings in a pile like a micro piece of Modern Art, and what are those marks all along the edge of your desk. You Dirty Pig, you wiped your nose all along the edge of your desk, because you were too lazy to ask for a tissue. And is that spit all wrapped in a piece of paper. And where exactly is the contents page of the Mueller report? Its full of your spit, no wonder it’s a toxic report.

Ok, so once you have cleared your desk of a mound of paper, which is supposed to prove just how busy you are, but in actual fact just proves you are a PIG. Then I can start. Though in my early computer room days 40 years ago I had to spend 15 mins clearing up before I could start my night shift on DEC PDP 1170s The lads are probably all senior IT people now, I just worked with the machines they were never the love of my life. PC as we called PC he really loved his computers, I have another story about PC but I won’t talk about that now, he’s a very Lucky Horseshoe shall we say.

A desk reveals a lot, and the drawers underneath even more, so don’t leave uneaten sandwiches inside to fester, nor any girlie magazines. Just lock your drawers, which might be good advice for any young person, and yes that is a metaphor too. I’ll ask a simple question would you trust somebody with your money if their desk was a total mess. A Mad Scientist maybe, but the bank manager, or a locksmith losing keys, or a child-minder? Or would you eat in a dirty cafe with mess everywhere? If you are somewhere rub you finger over the table, if it feels greasy then get up and leave just do not eat there. And yes I’ve been to a couple of places like that, with grime on the tables, with Food Poisoning the most popular speciality. And yes I’ve had food poisoning twice, losing 7 kilos in a week is no fun, but it does improve the waistline.

Which brings me back to my desk. On my desk is the old tv, 9 years old I think, but by having it here in the “Study”, don’t laugh it is where I write and my daughter studies when she’s not on the phone to the BF. That phone will lose her a grade across the board, but hopefully she’ll amaze me. So the old tv is a tv, but it is also a very large screen for the computer, just press a button. The tv sound goes funny if you leave it on too long via computer use, so I still use my old but very cheap speakers that have great sound quality. As I like music on all the time, provided my daughter isn’t in the room. However underneath my desk are my 30 year old Memorex headphones so I can put them on so as not to annoy my daughter while she studies. She is very bright, but she won’t be reading this, so she’ll never know I said it.

I also have 2 pairs of shades in cases on my desk, too many years in dark computer rooms means that I squint when I go outside in low sunlight. Or do you think I’m just a POSER, moi, a poser. Sorry to disappoint I’m no Poser, I’m just a Pretentious Writer, NOT. I also wear the shades to prevent eye strain due to long hours in front of the PC. Once I was on the PC constantly at work, and I went “blind for a day” this was 10 years ago, so I’m even more careful now.

What else is on my desk. A mug of coffee, then tea so I don’t drink too much coffee. Underneath is scrap paper so I don’t mark my desk, and I also use it to scribble things down. Obviously I neither spit nor wipe my nose on those pieces of paper, I just open the window and do it on passing neighbours. Garde de L’eau and all that. I can hear you all scream YUCK all over the world. See the power of my words, and your imagination.

And that is about everything on my desk, or should I add my IMAGINATION, or would that be pretentious? The keyboard is normally on my lap, and the mouse in my palm, hence the typos. I was going to get you all to speak for 2 mins about every object on my desk. But it’s time I ate so for homework I want all of you to speak for 2 mins about the 5 objects on your desk. Take it in turns and give each other positive feedback to help each other. That is how I learnt how to speak in April 1998, then  days later I was in the Czech Republic visiting an old pen friend, I wrote about it in Czech Story.

And Gangham, yes I know Cindy is sat on your desk, but no writing about her, too much Seoul may make the rest of the word blush.