not many active readers today, you may all be down the pub after finishing your exams
or Boris and Hunt are too busy with photo opps to read my stuff
Though Hunt's Language company could use all my stuff to help teach English
that's if I've got my facts right
What else can I say
They'll be a new story presently, I have a few chores to do
Somebody was reading an old piece from 2010 today so that took me back
In fact one person mentioned in the story walked past me in the street today
Unknown Region was also reading me, which could be the Space Station
or somebody with a filter on their phone.
It's probably the Navy Seals, the read me during their down time
And if you believe that then you believe that I'm a Ballet Dancer too, Ballet not BELLY
which reminds me Birmingham is Ballet so here's that story, which will become part of
Tears for a Butcher, the sequel to The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker
which I'll write or rather dictate when I get a Kpop Singer or Kdrama star to sit and type it
for me as I rattle off the story from my chaise longue
and that will happen when I weigh less than 100kilos,hahaha
Birmingham is Ballet ©
By
Michael Casey
If you have been following me on my site you’ll
know that the pain monster attacked at 4am this morning, I had a cuppa
and as I’d managed to waken my daughter I told her about this story. It
will actually form a chapter in Tears for a Butcher the comic sequel to
The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, assuming I get around to doing
it. I have a vain hope that I could borrow a legal secretary, then in
12 weeks the sequel would be done. I’ll just sit and dictate it.
Now why Ballet? Well as you should also know my
wife’s first friend in Birmingham was a ballerina from the Birmingham
Royal Ballet. I was vetted in a straight bar in the Gay Quarter of
Birmingham, by the ballerina herself. The bar is called The Queens
Tavern, you can have a beer there next time you are in Birmingham at the
ballet, it’s just up the side of the Hippodrome Theatre past the Subway
sandwich place.
Now if you put your 4 pints of Stella down on the
coffee table Boris, and those three Subway sandwiches, eating alone
again, then I’ll begin. Remember as ever these are all my copyrighted
ideas.
Catherine and Damien were ecstatic they had scored
top marks in the Law exam, in fact along with their friends, Peter and
Paul all four had scored top marks. All because one of the partners
suggested they go to visit Marcus in the old people’s home, the one
owned by The Old Forge and Singing Anvil Coop, but that’s another story
which I’ll tell you later. But you may need another 10 pints of Stella
Artois and 6 more Subway sandwiches Boris, but Annie can clear the table
away for you, or Bettie her twin sister.
Now where was I, yes Catherine and Damien and the
other two had visited Marcus in the home, after his stroke he needed a
little help but otherwise he still had it. So with Marcus’s help the
four of them scored the highest ever scores in the Birmingham Law exams.
Now it is a tradition that the Law firm that gets the best results gets
a bottle of whisky from the other firms. As you may know if you wander
around Saint Phillips cathedral area, we have a lot of lawyers in
Birmingham. Obviously I worked at the best firm, Pinsent Masons, but I
digress.
So back to the tale, grace a Marcus as the French
might say, the foyer of Catherine’s company was littered with whisky.
Not bottles but cases of the stuff. As her company the gained the top 4
spots, the other firms thought it was only fair to send not a bottle but
a case of whisky. I am probably underestimating the figure, but 30
firms sending 30 cases of whisky, equals 360 bottles of whisky.
The senior partner arrived and raised half an
eyebrow. It’s the legal results Sir, explained Tony on Security. We got a
case instead of a bottle seeing as we did so well. 360 bottles. Yes Sir
360 bottles, litre ones too. The senior partner smiled, well if you put
5 cases upstairs in the boardroom. And the rest Sir? Well if I remember
rightly it’s your Regimental Reunion soon, would it be an imposition if
I asked you to dispose of it. 300 bottles may be a little too much to
ask you to dispose of? I suppose we might find a good home for it all.
Thank you Tony, said the senior partner. The senior partner stopped for a
second, no he hadn’t changed his mind, oh by the way, ask Maggie our
cleaning lady for the hangover cure, it works wonders, so I am well
informed, touching his nose as he skipped away smiling. It was a happy
ship their firm, one big happy family.
So the night of the Regimental Reunion arrived,
Tony had hired a room in the local bar, in the corner the prize, 25
cases of whisky. Not your rubbish stuff from Asda or any other
supermarket. 40 year old malt whisky, they were lawyers after all, they
had standards to maintain. In a neighboring bar Catherine and the others
were celebrating too. Catherine and Damien were having a quiet fag,
when 3 lads asked could they have a light, when Catherine held out her
lighter one grabbed her arm, they were going to be robbed. Catherine let
out a scream, one of the lads pulled a knife.
Inside the Regimental Reunion things were going
well, very well in fact, half the Tonys were tipsy.Ex army tend to work
as security in Law Firms, and they always but always are called Tony,its
almost like a religious cult. Ex army,law firms and the name Tony. If
you don’t believe me ask Tony Cruise,the action film guy, is real name
is Tony by the way. Catherine’s scream was heard, and like a mother
running to save her baby half the room exited. But they were too late,
blood had been spilled and bodies were on the floor.
Somebody else had heard Catherine’s call, it was a
ballet dancer new in town, like a new gun slinger. It was Anton
Bollockoff from Russia. He had dashed and pranced and pranced and
dashed, three times in fact. He had kicked them high and low, and low
and high and high and low again. The assassins were on the floor
bleeding. Are you ok, my dear said Anton looking into Catherine’s eyes
and she looked into his. It was thunder and lightning, may I introduce
myself. Damien screamed,the Tonys ran faster, as fast as 40 year old
malt whisky allows you. You are THE Aton Bollockoff, the ballet dancer,
screamed Damien, he was so excited. He had been rescued by THE Anton
Bollockoff, nobody would believe him down the gay bar.
The Tonys arrived and bounced the three criminals
against a wall or two. You are banned from Birmingham yelled a RSM,
another Tony took their photos, do you hear me YOU ARE BANNED FROM
BIRMINGHAM, yelled the RSM. Now get lost, he would have used stronger
language, the kind RSM have qualifications in but there was a lady
present. Damien explained all. Tony from Catherine’s law firm thanked
Anton Bollockoff if ever you need a favour just ask, you saved one of my
girls and boys, I owe you.
Anton Bollockoff knew when to leap so he leapt. If
I could get into a good Italian restaurant tonight with the beautiful
lady that would reward enough. Catherine swooned, delayed shock, Anton
caught her in his arms. This was love at first sight, and the Tonys were
there to see it, Damien was slightly disappointed, but he believed in
love, he has watched Moulin Rouge 12 times already.
So Tony took their photos too, he explained
henceforth they were on the Angel list, never wait, straight to Heaven
at any place in Birmingham where there was security. As for the 3 bad
guys, they were on the Hell list, forever barred. Photos were appearing
on mobiles all over Birmingham as he spoke.
So thanking the Tonys, Damien, Catherine and Anton
Bollockoff made their way across town to the new gay bar and then to
the Italian restaurant. Were they afraid of meeting any nasty people
along the way? No because Anton was with them. Besides every security
camera along the way was following them and as they passed every bar and
eatery a security guy or girl waved and spoke into their radio. It was
as if the Queen was strolling by, with security watching.
Damien had everything, a bright future in the law
beckoned, but he wanted love. And you cannot buy love. He waved
Catherine and Anton away as he queued outside of the new happening gay
bar. He had a slight tear in his eye, all he wanted was somebody to
love. He’d have a great future but without somebody to share it with. He
brushed a tear of envy away from his eye. At that moment Martin
appeared, Martin was the head of security, he was just checking the
lines. Do you want a tissue he asked as he handed Damien a tissue, then
looking at his phone he said, you are on the Angel list come with me.
Once inside Damien had a cocoa with Martin, you
can’t have alcohol while you are working after all. Damien offloaded his
life to Martin, it turned out that as well as being a body builder,
Martin’s dad was a lawyer. Only they had argued so Martin ended up
having a security company instead of a law firm. They say that God works
in mysterious ways, but that night they had found each other, 60 years
they were together, but I’ll leave the future to God.
Meanwhile Anton Bollockoff and Catherine were
walking hand in hand through the backstreets till they arrived at the
best Italian Restaurant in Birmingham. All the time security cameras and
doormen charting their progress. The Regimental Reunion was I full
swing, Tony was happy his eyes were everywhere protecting his children.
At Don Camillo’s Anton and Catherine instinctively
queued, a security giant and his small blonde pig-tailed girlfriend
ushered them in. Paolo was a ballet nut and when he saw walked through
the door he screamed. The best table in the house given to them, best
food and wine was produced. Catherine was all loved up, here in front of
her was THE Anton Bollockoff from Russia. He was wearing a very tight
shirt and even tighter cream coloured trousers. She was in love in lust
and in love again.
People would have asked for autographs but one
look from the pig-tailed security girl stopped that. Paolo refused
payment, Anton said why not come to the ballet tomorrow for a full dress
rehearsal, and the nice security people. So it was settled. Anton told
Paulo to step outside then he asked Catherine to lean on a lamppost.
What happened next cannot really be explained by a
ballet baby such as I. But I will do my best, with Paolo standing on
the steps of his restaurant Anton floated back and forth only to return
to stroke Catherine’s hair, her face and shoulders. Away and return,
away and return. A crowd of hundreds appeared, held back by security.
This went on and on and on, like singing in the rain but without the
rain, this is Birmingham not Manchester after all. Anton stroked her
hair, her face, her shoulders, her behind, her breast, her thighs. Ever
so gently, ever so romantically. Women and men fainted in the crowd,
erotic dancing, ballet dancing while fully clothed. Catherine’s
breathing increased, the crowds breathing increased. Anton Bollockoff
was making love to every woman in the crowd.
Finally it was just too much, 40 mins of balletic
foreplay, Anton stroked a stroke too far. Catherine wheeled and sprung,
she tore his shirt off in the street, Bollockoff shirt off in the
street. This would be The Sun’s headline in the morning. She jumped on
him and began to devour him on the bench outside the old church that was
was now a 70s disco nightclub. For God’s sake get her to the church on
time.
The security saved the day as ever, the couple, it
was close but not quiet, the couple were grabbed and carried up the
street to the Novotel. They were flung through the doors of the
Presidential suite. But then something wonderful happened as they stood
naked in front of each other. Not the urge, the urge was there, very
much there. They just showered together and each other but then they
stopped, naked but in love. They spent the night talking, they were up
all night, talking. Can it be true, can it be really true? Yes. The
exact same thing was happening for Damien and his new life long love.
Both couples had stopped on the verge of coupling. They wanted to be
sure it was LOVE.
Then they slept.
In the morning the Sun screamed out Bollockoff
Shirtoff in the Street. As the couple talked and slept their love had
gone viral. Everybody but everybody in the crowd had filmed it and
uploaded it. Ballet Lovers Website crashed 14 times, such was the pull
of the ballet. By afternoon on the streets of Bangkok you could buy a
DVD of Bollockoff and the Mystery girl. To say Bollockoff was huge was a
massive understatement. But what would transpire after breakfast would
dwarf.
Catherine arrived at her law firm and Tony smiled,
she kissed him on the cheek. Tony on security blushed, he was like a
proud dad, as all law firm security people are. Now a major new client
had been visiting and as Catherine spoke fluent Italian she was ushered
to the boardroom just to be on hand. Now as luck or Fate would have it,
the client had been at Paolo’s restaurant the night before. This could
be tricky very tricky, but he was a Ballet Nut. He did not want to want
to talk about contracts just ballet. Catherine looked helpless and
trapped for a moment, the senior stepped in, not as elegantly as
Bollockoff but just as nice.
If Catherine doesn’t feel too overwhelmed then
I’ll permit it, he ventured, senior partners love their staff almost as
the Tonys on reception, but with much posher language. Forgive me, I am
just a farmer replied the Italian in clothes worth at least 10,000. He
bowed and kissed her hand. So they talked business with Catherine doing a
bit of translation. As talks had gone well, extremely well, the Italian
could not keep his mind off Bollockoff’s performance. Catherine decided
to do some of her own venturing.
Actually, there is a full dress rehearsal today
and Anton said I should sneak out over a long lunch break and come and
see him perform. The Italian screamed and dropped his man-bag leaving a
tiny tiny scratch on it. Could we, please, we have finished here, my
cousin Marco would be so jealous if I saw Bollockoff first. The Italian
gave his best pleading eyes to he senior partner. Well if you are sure
the business is closed. The Italian drew out his most expensive yet
stylist pen and signed the 200million deal.
Let’s go and see Bollockoff he screamed in
delight. The senior partner leaned over his phone and asked Tony on
reception to tell the Italian’s driver to be ready. In the ride down in
the lift Catherine told the Italian how she had met Bollockoff. So when
the lift doors opened Tony was a superhero, putting Bollockoff on the
angel list had been angels’ delight for the Italian. Bollockoff was at
the restaurant as the Italian magnate and he had seen him dance in the
street. The Italian kissed Tony on both cheeks, you should have a
reward, Tony’s eyebrows formed question marks. The senior partner
shrugged his shoulders, the Italian asked sheepishly would his man-bag
be a suitable reward. The tiny scratch on it meant the Italian would not
be seen dead with it. With the senior partner nodding his assent Tony
accepted the gift. It was a PacoMacotaco man-bag not that Tony knew that
till he googled the label inside. Retail value 4000.
The car whisked them to the ballet, the lights had
gone down but they were ushered to a box. The music started and the
lights came on. As their eyes adjusted to the light Catherine could see
the security from the restaurant and Paulo from the restaurant in the
boxes beside them. Then as she looked about she realised the Hippodrome
home of the Birmingham Royal Ballet was overflowing. Every security in
Birmingham had come. Invite one, invite all.
Bollockoff and the Birmingham Royal Ballet were on
fire, his energy had supercharged everybody. The fact that the other
newspapers had followed up on the Sun’s headline really made everybody
feel happy. The show was an entire tour de force or whatever the French
say. At the interval a miracle happened. Everybody got a drink, the
Chairman of the Federation of Security Personnel Birmingham Branch had
slapped down his American Express card and said fill everything and have
every ice-cream in the building ready. It was a military operation,
everybody but everybody was fed and watered in those 20 mins.
Happy with smudges of ice-cream on their lips
which eager girlfriends more than eager to lick off slowly, the security
all sat in eager anticipation. They were not denied anything.
Ballerinas danced and Ballet dancers pranced. It was like Christmas for a
child. Grown men cried and their girlfriends had to console them, and
they’d console them much more when they got home to bed. Afternoon
delights are a regular feature if you work late nights.
The Italian sneaked out his iphone and streamed a
minute to his cousin in Milan. The cousin was so lividly jealous. As the
curtain fell the entire audience leapt to their feet. The community of
Birmingham security has lost their Ballet Virginity, and they wanted
more,and when they got home they would have more ballet, but the
horizontal variety. The corps to ballet bowed and the audience screamed.
Bollockoff stepped forward, I am sorry if my
performance was not perfect it’s my first time on this stage but I
promise to improve here in my new home, Birmingham. I met somebody so
special last night and we spent the entire night talking , just talking.
So did I screamed Damien and Martin in unison. The audience roared
their approval. Things could not get any better. Catherine screamed out,
I love you. Italian and the senior partner could go to hell she was in
love. The entire audience screamed out I love you.
The corps to ballet bowed, the applause and
screaming lasted 10 full minutes was like a pop concert. Then when the
screaming stopped Catherine screamed again. It’s me, I love you. The
spotlight moved to cover her, he’s seen her in the Sun now he’d spotted
her in the crowd. The audience gasped it was her, the girl dancing or
rather ripping his shirt off from Bollockoff. Anton saw the love of his
life and dived into the crowd. His ballet dancing had lifted them up,
now it was their turn to lift him up. So walking on palms Anton
Bollockoff reached his girl. It was like Romeo and Juliette. Marry me
and have all my babies he said in Russian. What did he say asked the
audience? The Italian who also spoke Russia stood and with tears in his
eyes translated. He said Marry Me and have all my babies.
Versuvius erupted, Catherine was lowered to
Bollockoff’s level and still standing on the hands of security they
kissed. Then hand in hand they walked over the hands to the stage. The
Italian kissed the senior partner he was so happy. His Milanese cousin
would die, absolutely die. After a few more bows the corps to ballet
were about to leave the stage when Anton hissed, do you trust me? Yes.
So the Corps de ballet left the stage by walking over the hands of the
audience.
It took 90 seconds to empty the theatre they were
all trained security personnel. Then outside the Hippodrome Anton
reprised his dance from the night before, but with the Birmingham Royal
Ballet improvising around him. If my mother were alive she would have
thrown a bucket of water on them. As it was the Fire Brigade had been
doing some routine checks so they decided to sprinkle the ballet. It was
an utter internet sensation. Kirov can Bollockoff was the headline on
the Sun the next day. Two days with 2 ballet headlines in the sun, was
the editor drunk, or just drunk on ballet.
Linking his arm through the senior partner’s arm
the Italian walked back to the law office, the crowds had gathered, his
car could never get through now. I like you, your firm, your security
Tony, I like everything, like a family, and I adore the ballet. This is
the happiest day of my business life ever. Only when I bought the racing
car company comes a 2nd closest, to this day. Ballet in Birmingham day, I think I’ll tell my biographer to write a whole page about it, maybe two.
The Birmingham Royal Ballet went inside to change,
Catherine and Anton decided to consummate their love in a box of the
Hippodrome. Damien and Martin were ahead of them, in a box on the other
side of the Hippodrome. As they say Ballet is Universal, the Birmingham
Royal Ballet encapsulates it all. And yes I really was vetted by a
Chinese Ballerina from the Birmingham Royal Ballet in the Queens Tavern
about 20 years ago. Where do you thing the ideas come from?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/l/B00571G0YC to buy my 18 books
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