Just
the way you are ©
By
Michael
Casey
Moses
was tall and gangly, people used to laugh at him and call him beanstalk. Some
even picked on him, he was regularly bullied, and had his teeth chipped after
fights. Where’s your staff Moses, make the Red Sea part was a common remark.
Only his Nan loved him, and the little girl opposite, she felt pity for him. It
was all so unfair. His Nan was forever taking him to the dentist, but at least
they didn’t pull all his teeth, then he’d look like his Nan even more, with
false teeth. No, Moses got gold fillings, a fist full of gold fillings, because
he’d had fists in his mouth.
Sharon
as the little girl opposite, she smiled and told him he looked great with his
gold teeth. Really was Moses’s reply. And that is how they became friends. On
one visit to the dentist he picked up a Readers Digest, he just flicked though
it. Then one item caught his attention, so on the way out he asked the
receptionist could he have it, a ten year old copy of the Readers Digest. When
he got home he read the article over and over again. He then went over the road
to show Sharon.
Self
Defence, with Judo John. It was all about how to use an attacker’s weight
against them and so defend yourself. And that is how Moses and Sharon
discovered each other. By throwing and grappling with each other, it was fun
and they were good. Over a period of months they learnt the basics. Then they
went to the old Spring Hill Library and got all the old Judo John books out.
They began slowly and read them cover to cover. Judo John was an Olympic
Champion many years ago. As they read they practiced, and with each practice
they got better and better and love grew between then as they flung each other
all over the place. They would laugh as snot dripped from their noses, as their
socks fell down and as they had to tuck in their shirts and blouses. They
didn’t really know it but they were falling deeply in love.
As they
practiced in the back garden they listened to Barry White on a cassette radio
play. It covered the noise of them grunting and groaning as they grabbled.
After a couple of years of this both of them had put on lots of muscles, Moses
was no longer gangly he was bulky now too. And yes the bad boys did try to
bully him one last time, only he knew a bit of Judo now. So he threw them into
the dustbins, and Sharon who felt so empowered now defended her man, she stood
by her man and threw a bully or two into the dustbins too. 4 bullies against
Moses and Sharon did not stand a chance. The word got out at school, and nobody
ever troubled Moses again, now his nickname was Jaws after the James Bond
villain.
Fate
took a hand now, the school was a sports academy, so one day some Judo guys
turned up. Moses was shy, but the school blurted out about how Moses and Sharon
had sorted the bullies. The Judo guys smiled, and Moses and Sharon were asked
to step forward. After a few minutes of grabbling with the Judo experts, the
experts smiled even more. If there was a grading both would get a good grade
and possibly a Brown Belt immediately. Where did you learn they were asked, so
they confessed they had read the Judo John books while listening to Barry
White. The entire school laughed at them , the Judo guys did not. In fact Judo
John was the grandfather of one of the team, and guess what he loved Barry
White too.
So
Moses and Sharon got free tuition at one of the back street Judo schools in the
city centre, in exchange for a bit of tidying up. And that was how they learnt their trade. Moses
was quickly a Black Belt and so was Sharon shortly afterwards. They raced up
the belts, and their confidence grew and grew. They were worried about what to
do after school, but they were offered the business when the owner retired. So
Moses and Sharon Judo School appeared in small letters under JUDO. They laughed
that they had never left school. And their love just grew and grew. Moses’s Nan
had raided her pension pot and re-mortgaged her house to help buy the business,
but soon she was repaid. A female teacher was a selling point.
After
practice Moses would wash Sharon and Sharon would wash Moses, very Oriental,
and yes sometimes Barry White influenced them too much, I can’t get enough of
you baby, as they made love on the practice mats. They were engaged by now, but
there was never a baby, Sharon did not mind, she had Moses and that was enough.
But secretly Moses wanted to be a dad, what was the point in life if you don’t
have kids.
Now
what do Martial Arts people do in the evening, well they work security at
clubs, drinking Hot Chocolate, and yes they loved that music too. Where they
worked there was never any trouble, Moses was 6feet 4inches and 120 kilos of
total muscle by now. Sharon had a pony tail and blonde hair, just like Theresa
May’s body guard lady, she was always smiling because she had here Man, and she
was his Lady. They loved Lionel’s Lady my Sweet lady too. All in all they had a
happy life, though Moses pretended he did not mind not being a dad.
Now in
clubs the girls dance around the handbags, or designate the fattest girl to
mind them the most, as she drinks her lemon and lime alone as they dance. Now Moses
spotted the girl and spoke into his radio, do you mind if I dance with another
lady tonight, just this once? Sharon looked around and knew what he was going
to do. You do know I am a Black Belt 4th Dan? Yes, and you can tie
me to our bed with it tonight, after you take my Black Belt 7th Dan
off my naked body. Sharon laughed aloud.
Moses
smiled at the girl guarding the handbags, would you care to dance? Theresa
looked up, she nearly fainted so he picked her up and carried her to the middle
of the dance floor he, then held her in his arms, and now she was his lady. The
other girls nearly fainted, Moses was the absolute hunk of the hunkiest, and he
was dancing with Theresa. Sharon was not to be outdone so she picked a fat boy
and led him to the dance floor. Sharon was a big girl but totally curvaceous,
and she knew how to move. Everybody stopped to watch Sharon and the fat boy and
Moses and Theresa. Then Moses bent and kissed Theresa’s hand, they swopped
partners, Moses danced with Sharon, and Theresa danced with Kevin, for that was
his name. Barry White was singing, Can’t Get enough of your Love Babe. And that
was how Theresa met the boy of her dreams Kevin.
An
opportunist thought he’d steal from the pile of handbags, only small Peter was
also working that night. Peter was less than 5 feet tall, but he had a 56 inch
chest after years of Judo. So the would be thief laughed at “titch” only to
find himself on the floor. He was ejected and banned for life. Kevin and
Theresa were so happy, they both thought they’d just be watching handbags all
their life, but this was the beginning of something big.
Theresa
and Kevin were made for each other, so obviously they told everybody they knew,
and fat people always have lots of friends, even if they lack boyfriends or
girlfriends. So more and more people came to the club in the hope of finding
the one true love. Moses and Sharon thought they’d help things along, so it
became a feature, Moses would dance with a girl who’d been abandoned to the
handbags. And Sharon would grab a boy who’d been hiding in a corner pretending
he didn’t mind. Barry White of course played his part too, Baby We better Try
and get it together, was very popular, as well as It may be Winter outside but
in my heart it’s Spring. Sharon and Moses picked 2 lonely people, and then they
got it on with each other. John Travolta in Pulp Fiction would have died for
it. Watching Moses and Sharon was electric, and then the whole dance floor
filled and heaved. Afterwards the bar was flooded, dancing was so thirsty
everybody needed a drink.
Eventually
the club had a “Big Girls Don’t Cry” night, dancing for boys and girls of the
bigger dimensions. Everybody was happy, things could not be any better. But
Fate always steps in. One of the boys who bullied Moses years before came to
town after he’d got out of Jail. By chance he heard about Moses, it was his
friend been barred for life.
So that
night with evil in his heart Barry came to hurt Moses, why this happens you’ll
have to watch a BBC documentary, or a ITV daytime tv show. Barry weaved his way
through the dance floor, something shinny in his hand, he had 2 others on
either side flanking him. It was he night Theresa got engaged to Kevin as she
descended the stairs from the toilets she saw what was afoot.
Theresa
was a teacher so she knew how to scream. FAT GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR, Kevin was
also a teacher, a P.E. teacher so he knew how to scream too. He knew Theresa
needed help, he felt it, he just knew. So he screamed too, FAT BOYS ON THE
DANCE FLOOR.
The
dance floor flooded and Moses was swept away by a flood of sweaty fat bodies, Sharon
could see what was happening now. She had seconds to save her Moses before he’d
be in a wicker basket coffin. So she grabbed “titch” Peter and threw him
through the crowd. Barry was tumbled, the assassins were rumbled. Fat Girls to
the left, fat Boys to the right. Then they all Irish danced towards the
assassins. The Lard was in the frying pan and it was time to spit and hiss and
burn. They may be fat, but they were all Dancing Queens, they high kicked their
way over the dance hall. Moses their leader and they would defend him. In short
Barry and his 4 henchmen were Irish Dance Kicked into submission. Never under
estimate a fat girl EVER.
Moses
and Sharon embraced. The Police came and took Barry his four friends away. The
Police also booked the club for their works do too. Maybe it was the sense of
relief that Moses and Sharon felt, or whatever reason, but that night Sharon conceived.
After that all Moses had to do was look at Sharon and she got pregnant. They
could not decide how many kids to have, but as Moses was a Black Belt 7th
Dan, they decided 7 was a good number. And if you are all wondering if this
tale is true, well kind of. Because one of this writer’s earliest memories is
being bounced on Moses’s knee as he smiled his smile full of gold fillings at
me.
15 years ago maybe
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